Thank you FS. I do love you...lol. I know we have not met but I feel like we are kindred spirits. I think the fact that I don�t want to scream or yell right now means that I have moved on a little bit. And if there is an OW, I am pretty sure she does not know about me and if she does, my H has described our relationship as �something that was over long ago� and told her all the reasons why (his version minus the years of lying) and she will feel bad for him, etc... Maybe she is a good person looking for love in maybe she is not a good person who is just looking for some fun. Who knows? I can only hope she is a fat, ugly version of me...lol. My H really is a charismatic person who masks his insecurities and shortcomings very, very well. I have no doubt there are a number of women out there who would fall for his charms. He also has no qualms about stretching the truth or just plain fabricating lies to suit his needs and the person he lies to the most is himself. I feel sorry for him in that regard. That he just may go to his grave without evolving into the person he COULD be. Sadly, I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the idea that that may never happen. Certainly it will not happen for his father who, sadly, my H is a lot more like than he cares to admit. But he was not the only role model in my H�s life. He has a number of beloved uncles. The one he was the closest to and he looked up to the most passed away a few years ago. He left behind his wife of at least 50 years. This uncle would be very ashamed of my H right now... as would his other uncle who passed away last year. There is nothing about what my H has done since his death that is remotely admirable and that is really sad.
Anyway... gotta run... face lasering time!! Nervous...lol. (((HUGS)))
[quote=DejaVu6] I think it would be really, really easy to try to fill up the hole this crisis has caused with the kind of excitement that comes with dating and meeting new people
I think this is exactly what my H is possibly doing. No specific evidence yet, though. A wise friend, whose ex went from one woman to another, said that Hs like ours find others immediately because they can't stand to be with themselves. That really was a profound revelation for me. I believe my H is so discussed with himself that he needs constant external validation. This resulted in infidelity, porn addiction and more. The more I am finding happiness in doing the things I enjoy for MYSELF and just the very small pleasures of life (like seeing a mommy duck followed by 10 babies on my walk a few days ago), the more it makes me sad H probably has no inner happiness. I pray he is able to some day.
Awww Grace. Another kindred spirit you are. I have the same hopes for my H. Sometimes I really do not know how he managed to look himself in the mirror for the past few years. Even when he was home for those 8 months, he was still lying to me about where he was at in his mind. He was �trying� to be happy, he said. I am sad that he still thinks life works that way. I take ownership of some of the things in our marriage but no more than 50%. My H and I were rarely intimate over the past few years. Partly because he was never home but even when he was, there was an imaginary wall between us that I was aware of. I never tried to break through it. I think it always felt too risky. I remember many nights lying next to him listening to his breathing and just trying to will myself to reach out and touch him. But I didn�t. Too scared of rejection, I think. I wish I had had the courage but even if I had, I�m not sure it would have changed much. But...no point in spending time in the past. Whenever I do, one of two things happens. I either get really sad or really mad - neither emotion serves me well. They just keep me stuck. So I am trying to live in the moment and to try to steer clear of future predictions as well. That just makes me anxious and scared. Christmas is looming. I have not discussed this with H and I don�t want to. I am going to wait for him to bring it up. My kids� birthday is five days before so that week is going to be a bit stressful and awkward, I think. Oh well... fake it till you make it, right? My H is a master at that. Me, not so much.
... but I just could not do that to someone else... invite them into this situation knowing all the while that I�m not over my marriage and that my marriage is not [legally] over. It would be the height of selfish behaviour, I think
When I think of my H dating, I think that it is incredibly selfish of him. His response of 'we've been separated for 7 months ... this is what we are supposed to be doing" (he didn't say the this is what we are supposed to be doing bit, but that's what he meant) didn't quite cut it with me. But, then I am looking at it from my own lens and my own values. Right now, I could not fathom starting another relationship. But the thought of casual intimacy has crossed my mind more than once, and sometimes I even rationalise it with an "as long as I am upfront about what I want and what I can offer". But these thoughts pass because I know they are coming from a place of loneliness and I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I won't lie, the need to be held at times can be overwhelming.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
The one he was the closest to and he looked up to the most passed away a few years ago. He left behind his wife of at least 50 years. (((HUGS)))
They say that MLC is sometimes triggered by the death of someone they are close to. A spiritual crises of sorts. It makes them face their mortality, question the choices they've made, wonder if there is more and if it is too late. H's grandmother who practically raised him, died a few years ago. I think it all built up culminating in him turning 40 at christmas. Doesn't change anything. We are where we are, but it's something to think about anyway DjV.
Originally Posted by Grace21
The more I am finding happiness in doing the things I enjoy for MYSELF and just the very small pleasures of life (like seeing a mommy duck followed by 10 babies on my walk a few days ago), the more it makes me sad H probably has no inner happiness.
Finding little moments of happiness - watching D12 having her eyebrows threaded, the way she held her breath because it hurt so much but did not waver in her resolve to have it done. Watching her growing up she reminds me more and more of me. For a moment I was happy. [Censored] our H's and their inner unhappiness. It is not our problem.
D12 reminds me of H too. She has a short fuse and when she is sad, everyone suffers ...
I am sad that Christmas is looming. I have not discussed this with H and I don�t want to. I am going to wait for him to bring it up.
I am getting very anxious for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I mulled it over on my own thread about asking H to come to dinner or not for Thanksgiving. Then a friend on Friday night said "Won't that be awkward, having him sitting across from you at the table?" The truth is, I have no idea how it would feel. I think we would all pretend nothing is happening. It's sad and depressing to think about. Then I think "I don't hate him, so why can't we just have a friendly time together". I think this is a bit more likely, with a little bit of sadness mixed in. *Sigh* This is exhausting.
Sometimes I get really mad, that we let them destroy our holidays. I do did dread the holidays, but try to turn my thinking around. They have no right to take our holiday spirit away, and we can not allow them to do so.The holiday season has so many good things about it, only few of them are actually related to our spouses, so I am trying to look forward to It a little bit....but that does not always work, I am also still in the process of figuring out how much time I want to give to him over Thabksgiving and Christmas.
I think this is my weekend of epiphanies...lol. I bought a magazine yesterday that was all about happiness. I started to browse throught it this morning and came across a small article, only two pages, called Think Yourself Happy. Sounds like something I would be interested in doing so why not. WOW!!! The premise of the article is that you really only need to know three things about how your brain works in order to have it fully cooperate with you in achieving what you want out of life. 1. Your mind does what it thinks you want it to do and is wired to move you towards pleasure and away from pain. 2. The way you feel about any situation is linked to only two things: the pictures you make in your mind and the words you say to yourself. 3. Your mind loves and wants to return to what is familiar (thought-wise). To achieve success, you must work at making the familiar unfamiliar and the unfamiliar familiar. For example: How many times have you gone on a diet and then been confronted with a piece of chocolate cake and thought to yourself...�I really want that piece of cake but I can�t have it because I am on a diet.� Remember fact #1. Your brain wants to get you what you want so your desire for that piece of cake actually increases. So what you say to yourself instead is �I have chosen not to eat that piece of cake and have chosen to feel great about that because I have chosen to drop down a dress size.� The specificity of it is apparently important because it very clearly instructs your mind what it is you want. So...today, instead of me saying to myself that �I really want H but I can�t have him,� which only increases my want of him and my sadness and my regret and my anger, etc... Instead I have been saying, �I have chosen not to want H right now and to feel good about it because I have chosen to live a better and a more satisfying life for ME.� Bam!!!! Feeling so much better today.
My H was here this morning and we had a nice chat. He said he has mostly been working this weekend. He did not volunteer any info about Friday�s trip to the city and I did not ask. I am choosing not to care what he is doing and am feeling good about it because I choose to not put myself through any further pain over something I cannot control.� See what I did there? There could be any number of reasons he was there. Clearly it was not a romantic dinner as the restaurant was not that kind of restaurant and it was not enough $ to be paying for two but who really knows. Again...choosing not to care.
The other interesting thing about the mind is that it�s job is not to make you happy. It�s job is to make sure you survive on the planet. It does this by remembering anything that hurt you so you can avoid it in the future. It is a hardwired survival instinct. Has anyone ever had the experience when you are dreading an event or a day at work and the morning of, you wake up with a migraine or the flu? That could very well be your brain giving you what you want which is to avoid doing that thing that you didn�t want to do. It is such a simple concept but also very illuminating when you think of how it works.
Also... pay attention to your words and images as they make a big difference. Think about going on vacation and during the flight thinking about the beaches and beautiful scenery you are going to see. You will have a very different experience of that plane ride than the person beside you who is thinking all about crashing in midair. Soften your words...make them less negative. I.e. �This client is hell,� changes to �this client is a challenge.�
Anyway... I really loved this article because it is just so darn simplistic but also makes so much sense. I already feel so much better. Every time I think of my H now, I am changing my thoughts to that one sentence. I think it is going to really help me over the coming months and hopefully my brain will just start to believe it and I won�t have to keep consciously telling myself that. That�s GAL at its core!!!
Despite all my epiphanies of late, nights are still tough. Currently I am trapped in my bedroom with my dog cause my kids are having a rather loud sleepover with some friends. What was I thinking?!? So I am here with my thoughts and reading all of the posts. I�m continuing to tell my brain some positive messages which helps. But I have to be honest and say that despite all of the bright spots in my days, I am still grieving. Even though my H was not around much, when he was, he was my friend. I miss my friend and it is very hard to come to terms with the fact that he does not miss me. I am really looking forward to the day when I can know that and it no longer hurts. I think having the kids and everything that entails makes that day a little further off than I would like. What is that saying? �Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.� One day I will agree with that again.
You are assuming that he doesn't miss you. Don't mind read, don't assume. As for worrying about whether your H misses you, that is only going to cause you pain. It'd be best to let him have the opportunity to miss you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks Ovrrnbw. I think I feel that way because of how long my H has been actively avoiding me without me knowing what was going on. In my reality, my H has only been gone for two months. In his, it has been nine months. He is used to not seeing me. If it weren�t for the kids, I don�t think I would hear from him at all. He has so much guilt and shame around how he has treated me that even if he started to waiver, the sheer weight of it would quickly send him running back to safety. He is prepared to sacrifice everything we have built so he doesn�t have to face himself and feel those feelings. He is convinced that we will all be better off as long as he is happy and he does not think he will ever be that with me. He doesn�t think you should have to make an effort in relationships. He thinks you are either with the right person or you are not... end of story. My H is simply biding his time right now...
Question: I am 99.9% sure that my H will be telling me he wants a D after the holidays. He likely has not looked into it enough to realize that we have to wait a year. When he brings it up, how am I supposed to react? I have been going over it in my head and I just see it being so emotional. I worry that I am going to say or do something that only reinforces his decision.
I have the same hopes for my H. Sometimes I really do not know how he managed to look himself in the mirror for the past few years. Even when he was home for those 8 months, he was still lying to me about where he was at in his mind. He was �trying� to be happy, he said. I am sad that he still thinks life works that way. I take ownership of some of the things in our marriage but no more than 50%. My H and I were rarely intimate over the past few years. Partly because he was never home but even when he was, there was an imaginary wall between us that I was aware of. I never tried to break through it. I think it always felt too risky. I remember many nights lying next to him listening to his breathing and just trying to will myself to reach out and touch him. But I didn�t. Too scared of rejection, I think. I wish I had had the courage but even if I had, I�m not sure it would have changed much. But...no point in spending time in the past. Whenever I do, one of two things happens. I either get really sad or really mad - neither emotion serves me well. They just keep me stuck. So I am trying to live in the moment and to try to steer clear of future predictions as well. That just makes me anxious and scared. Christmas is looming. I have not discussed this with H and I don�t want to. I am going to wait for him to bring it up. My kids� birthday is five days before so that week is going to be a bit stressful and awkward, I think. Oh well... fake it till you make it, right? My H is a master at that. Me, not so much. 