For Newcomers: Those that struggle the most.....

[SteveLW]

...do a very poor job of GAL.

I've been repeating this over and over in other people's threads lately, and feel that it needs to be stated in a central location. The vets here stress, over and over again about how important GAL is. And often times newcomers ignore that.

I remember a while back, asking someone that was struggling mightily in their sitch, "What is your plans for GAL tonight?" The answer: "Sit home and be bored out of my mind!" And they wondered why their WAS was taking up so much of their head space!!

GAL is crucial. It does several things. But first it keeps you busy. It keeps you occupied. It helps you to not think so hard about your sitch. The opposite of GAL is sitting around stewing in your own juices. Letting the sitch gnaw at you. Letting the WAS control your emotions, thoughts, and actions!

GAL also shows the WAS that your life after them is going to be just fine. That you as the LBS can be healthy, happy and fulfilled without the WAS. Remember they expect you to be miserable and sad and to sit around waiting for them to come back. GAL shows them that if they come back that door may not be open anymore. Remember, humans want what they can't have!

More importantly than showing the WAS that your life is going to be grand without them, it teaches the LBS the same lesson! So many LBS sit and think about how their life is over without the WAS. That their life will never be good again. That they will not ever be happy without WAS. GAL teaches you all of that is hogwash! That your life and happiness has very little to do with your WAS. GAL shows you just how bad you had become at owning your own happiness within the bounds of the MR.

Two common complaints about GAL, and rebuttals to them:

1st, GAL is too expensive. This is a cop-out of epic proportions. Admittedly, a lot of the GAL activities suggested do cost money. Gym memberships, etc. But even then you can find memberships for $10-15/month. But there are a lot of activities that cost little or nothing. You can go jogging or walking. You can go to the mall and just browse. Hang out with friends either at their place or yours. Get involved in the local community center. Most have drop in basketball or volleyball. Call up a friend you haven't connected with recently and go for coffee. Where there is a will there is a way!

2nd, I am too consumed with my sitch to be able to put energy into other things. Again, this is a cop-out. A few years ago I did a weight training program called Stronglifts 5x5. It was a great program where you worked out 3 nights a week, using an Olympic barbell and weights. Squats were the main exercise and you did them every night, with the other two exercises rotating between 4 other exercises. After a couple of workouts my legs and thighs were extremely sore. I was considering "resting" to let the soreness subside, but I went onto the stronglifts website to see what they said about soreness. What I found was interesting. The creator of the program said that if you pushed through the soreness and worked out on schedule, it would actually make you less sore! I was skeptical but went that night and did the program. And you know what, it worked! The first few reps of squats were painful as I was sore, but by the third set the soreness was gone! GAL is like that. If you push yourself to GAL even when you don't feel like it, you will enjoy it and it will help get your mind off of your sitch. No matter how skeptical you are going in.

So how important is GAL? It is critical. Without GAL well 180s and detachment are almost impossible. So stop making excuses. Stop cycling through the same ups and downs. Stop stewing in your own juices over your sitch and being paralyzed in despair. GAL like crazy, and watch how easy the 180s and detaching becomes as a result.

[neffer]

GAL is a must! GAL helps you take anxiety out, it´s mind freeing.

Doing some regular physical exercises help you balance energy metabolism. Meditation is important to your
mental health, it´s a way to relax, clears your mind, recharges your energy and lets you get back into the thick of things.

[Davide]

Absolutely. GAL is essential.

For me, yoga is the perfect combination of exercise, meditation, mindfulness, socialization - nearly everything I need in my life right now. I always feel better after a class. If it is too expensive to take a class, there are lots of routines you can find for free on youtube.

[ovrrnbw]

Good writeup. It's hard to believe when the bomb first drops and you're sitting there all alone, but GAL really is the best thing to do.

The Divorce "Remedy" is dual meaning:

1. Potentially save your marriage (Reconciling, saving the MR)

2. Saving you (LBS rises from the ashes and makes a better life for him/herself

Which outcome isn't always up to us, but the process is the same.

[endofit]

GAL literally saved my life!! It is in my opinion the number one mist important step!!!!

[RR17]

Great post Steve85!

IMO, Detachment is the goal of GAL. This concept is a process more than a mear destination. Regaining control over one's own happiness and releasing that control. Regardless of how one's sitch turns out, detachment is key.

We have to learn how to love in a way that the other person feels free.

[SteveLW]

Thanks for the responses and the additional input. All good stuff. I feel that if more LBSs would double down on GAL, they would greatly improve the time it takes to resolve their sitches and get through their emotions.

The sitting and worrying and over-thinking always makes me think of Matthew 6:27:

Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

[lost8]

Hey Steve, what are your thoughts on my sitch. I think I have been successfully GAL, detaching etc but my WW has not changed a thing although she has noticed and has told me so. My impatience is from the fact I am supporting the entire household as she runs around as she pleases. Won't D won't R just leaning on her issues and how she is broken, her financial sitch is getting worse. I keep thinking I need to engage to get her out or get her moving in a different direction because it is affecting my S14. I think she is content with this limbo where she pays nothing and continues to live independently.

I feel like that is the only reason I come back to pushing an issue to get some sort of resolution. Can one live in this limbo, purgatory for a long term?

[Twofeet]

For me GAL is easy. Go workout, go for a walk/run, visit family, friends, tinker in the garage, stay busy. Have kids? Go GAL with them, take them to the park, zoo, family, whatever. Plan your weekly GAL schedule.

I think the harder thing to achieve is true detachment.

[Davide]

Detachment is the goal. GAL is (part of) the means.