Keep walking Lane. You need to detach, no expectations. She chose her road, her loss. Give her time and space. No need to do R talks, no OM talks, only about the children. Try to go as DARK as you can.
Its been awhile since I've updated anything on my sitch. Nothing has improved at all. We've talked a few times and I know I backslid and Im pissed about it. I let her move into our rental home. She actually came over and picked up some things and I kind of helped her move in. It felt like the good ole days being with her and riding in the same vehicle together etc. So I did get my hopes high and started talking about "us". I asked if she wanted to go get a bite to eat sometime..she said no that she didn't want to. Okay, I knew I shouldn't have done that. Later on she went out with my D to eat and a movie. My daughter told me she is using a credit card to pay for everything. I just asked her the day before how she was paying for everything. I asked if she was using a credit card..she straight up lied to me. So the next time I saw her I called her on it. She had the deer in the headlights. She also told D that she has an attorney writing up the papers. I did not know she had hired an attorney. So I asked her about it. She verified that she has one and is in the process of getting papers written up for what she wants. I asked what she wanted. She said just the Rental house and that's it and child support. She said we could sit down together with her attorney and go over the details etc. This was all on the phone. I asked her why she wants to D me so bad. She didn't have an answer. She could not tell me why she wanted to D me. I asked if she was still dating OM and she said no that he was not ready for her. Any ways, she told me she was never coming home and that we will never be together and that the bad out weighed the good etc. She told me that she never felt like she could do anything on her own and that she wanted to prove she could do this all by her self... I kept my mouth shut but she lives in the house I bought before we got married and she is driving a car that is in my name. All of her medical bills are going to collection and credit cards are past due and one is in collection. She is like watching a train wreck. Needless to say she is in trouble and I probably talked way too much. She still knows I care for her deeply and that's the problem. 2 nights ago we had to go to the High school for my D15. We sat next to each other. We are decent to each other and act like like normal people. In fact no one would know we were separated. After the event, she said goodbye and off she went. Yesterday she went out of town to look at a car with her brother. I used to be in the car business for years. She called me and texted me wanting to know if they were getting a good deal or not etc. So now today, I am going back to no contact. I feel like she still wants to have a relationship, just not the kind I want. I feel like I back slid big time by giving into all the conversation and telling her I still had feeling for her etc. It totally backfired on me. She is still living the fantasy and thinks the grass is way greener over there. Not sure what to do but go no contact/dark for a while. Its tough when you have kids though. One thing is that we are very polite especially in front of the kids. She did tell me the other day that shes not in a big hurry to do papers because shes so busy, but would like to get them done. The equity in the house is roughly 70k. She plans on paying off her car thats in my name and the credit cards that she wracked up under my name. I told her that rental was our retirement investment and for our kids college. She just doesn't get it. Both our home and rental would be paid off in 7 years or less. Anyways, this is going longer than I want.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Sorry to hear all of that. Throw a truth dart at her. Definitely don't pursue like you did. You probably feel dumb for doing so. Quit talking to her so much. GAL. Seriously, go start your new life. Your old life is gone. So make a new, better one. Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You backslid big time so now get yourself up dust yourself up and start moving forward. No more pursuit. Everything you do from here on in is what's best for you and the kids.
Your problem right now is you are trying to use logic and reason with an emotional human being. She can give two $hits about retirement and college funds. Everything for her is about how she feels right now. She is not happy and she thinks you are the reason she is unhappy. With time and space she will realize that you were not the cause of her unhappiness.
Now having said that, she is probably not coming back to the same marriage. She is not attracted to you right now because you are acting weak and needy. What can you do to change that? You join a gym, eat healthy, learn to play guitar. You get the jist of it. Take the time and fall in love with yourself.
When you do you will no longer be interested in chasing women who are rejecting you.
Yes, there was alot said between us and it didn't make one bit of difference. Obviously she thinks the grass is greener no matter what. Today I've been thinking about alot of things. I realize that the only way is to step completely back and let it run its course. I have absolutely no control of anything she does whether it's good or bad. I can see a train wreck in the making. So sad to watch. My kids don't deserve any of this and I'm trying so hard to protect them from it.
I do feel helpless and at times very weak. I know that's a total turn off for W. I worry about what the future holds for everyone especially the kids. The sooner I can move on the better off I will be. I need to get out and meet new friends that I can forget about this hell. My expectations need to go away. My hopes need to be less. I need her to sense that I'm moving on. I know WW can say thing that are crushing. Probably shouldn't believe everything or anything at all but I asked for it. Time for me to toughen up. GAL and be a better version of me.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Hello everyone. I think there comes a point in everyone's sitch where the WS has gone too far, created too much hurt, and has done way too much damage. You hit a point where you just don't want to do it anymore. I call it acceptance. I know my WW will not change. So, I'm done trying. I know I held on for dear life for 4 months. I would detach for a week or 2. But would always slip back into puppy dog mode. Last Tuesday was the day I decided I don't want to do this anymore. She is in a full on relationship with OM. They spend the night together. So yeah, everything shes doing is wrong and hurtful. I now find myself not caring as much for her. I get a little angry thinking about this guy and my W wrecking my family. I then tell myself its over and not worth the fight. The energy that is put into this could be spent easily elsewhere. Last night she sent me a text. I saw it and didn't even care to respond. It was about kids so I did respond this morning. I hope this attitude I've had will stick. It feels good to have confidence and find a little pride in myself knowing I am a great person. I am a great father and have absolutely nothing to be sorry for anymore. When people say you need to detach and GAL. Im finally just getting a taste of it now. And it feels great ! For those of you still hanging on for dear life. I recommend letting go 100% for just a few days just to see how it feels. Don't look at your phone. Don't drive by their house, dont sit and wait for any opportunity to make the tiniest bit of contact. Just go about your day like a single person would do. Smile at yourself in the mirror while your driving and listen to your music loud. Go have fun and let it all go. You all have so much left to do with my life! So, here the other part. Dont expect anything to happen except your own life getting better. If my WW came back today or next week. I am literally at the point of saying " I dont have the energy for you anymore".
Don't get me wrong. I'm still very heartbroken, but its time to move on. I love and miss my old W. But she is gone. The new person is so different and I'm not interested this wayward, lying,cheating, untrustworthy person. She tried to tell me she was a good person the other day and a great mother. I just validated as the lies spewed out of her mouth. Her life is pathetic to say the least. We were a religious family with great morals. She was a modest woman and had a great heart and personality. She is now a very selfish person with a cheating heart. Good luck to her and her new life.
I am finally feeling happy to go do things with out the turmoil in my mind and heart. Im on the mend!!!
Like I said, I hope I can keep this up!!
Lane
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Sounds like you are in a good place right now but keep in mind you are still very early in the process and are likely to circle back through the stages of grief.
Also you may want to read up more on validation. There is no need to validate lies.
Take it one day at a time and just keep moving forward.
Awesome for you Lane! You will always have my support brother!
As LH said dont get down on yourself if you have a setback, its going to be a process. As long as your starting to have more and more good days, your on the right path.
Edit: yes dont validate lies.
Last edited by equalzr; 10/05/1809:16 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
You are doing great. Just remember setbacks are opportunities to learn. Don't get down on yourself and don't feel bad for being angry, for hurting or still loving your WW. Just remember to love and respect yourself more.
Onward and upward.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I always keep what jj says: onward and forward. You know, there is all these cycle of highs and lows but we need to get the direction straight. No matter how low we feel on the cycle we need to go onward and forward with them! So it gets better with time and it all depends on us. We are doing the walk. Just keep moving.
