Everybody is entitled to their opinion - as long as the end goal is in the best interests of the poster.
Since the start I have advised you of the stance to take - and warned you it would go this way. I believe I said stop leaving the door open for this person while she gets her playing pieces in position. And lo and behold that is happening.
Now we are staring at the possibility of you losing kids, house and having to move out of the area - this is because you gave her the power and you were in a reaction mode - rather than taking total control of your actions - basically because you hoped for recon and didn't want to upset her and push her closer to D by angering her.
Certain people on this board have advised to keep the door open for this women and not file for divorce, when in reality this isnt a marriage, its an example of a guy getting took to the cleaners because he is trying to be a nice guy in hope of a recon rather than facing the reality that if you give her room to breath, she will slowly take everything she needs and leave you in a heap on the ground.
I loosely assume that you are talking about me here. If youre not, then I apologize for any misunderstanding.
NOWHERE have I said that David should be a "nice guy" waiting for a chance to possibly recon. If thats what you have taken from my advice, then I feel like I am doing a very bad job of communicating.
My point was and is that divorce is just a legal agreement to a relationship status. Whether or not you "FILE FOR DIVORCE" doesnt really matter to me. It isnt something to be afraid of. It isnt something to use as a weapon. It just IS. It's as meaningless in the grand scheme of things as your relationship status on facebook.
What Im trying to say is that filing for divorce isnt and shouldnt be the trigger for detachment. It shouldnt be done as a means to "Wake up your WW." It should be done because you are finished with the marriage and moving on with your life. From David's posts, it was and is clear that he is NOT finished with the idea of a relationship with W. So, I still say, what is the benefit of divorce? If there is one financially, custodially (if that a word :lol:), or some other way, then sure, go ahead and file. Protect yourself and your assets.
Hoping that someday there might be reconciliation is NOT what has gotten David into this situation. I hope that someday I win the lottery. Does that mean Im going to be bankrupt later? I say no. I say living your life like that is going to happen or not planning in case that doesnt happen is more to blame. I strongly disagree that hope is the issue.
Originally Posted by Benito
you need to stop being a good person and start being a man in control - because this situation will continue to deteriorate until you do.
This makes NO sense to me. What does being a 'good person' have to do with being in control of your domain. David can and should certainly strive to be a good person. That doesnt mean he needs to let himself be bent over a barrel and take whatever W is willing to give.
That’s fantastic news David, I’m really pleased for you. I had my first joint mediation session with my W on Monday. It’s amazing how she unashamedly can sit in a room a lie. We made a bit of progress discussing childcare arrangements, next up is financial disclosure. What a horrible process this is. Good luck moving forward
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
FIL (who is very influential on W and they live together) said last week that he'd noticed my changes and said it seemed like a religious wakening. He suggested to me last week that W & I should do some counselling and to give it time. He could just be saying that and playing for time to hide more money.
Given that W is incredibly stubborn and wouldn't make the first move even if she wanted to do so, should I suggest it to W and say it was her father's idea?
Congrats David, so glad to hear you went to bat for your kids and it paid off! Well done!!!! Very proud of you brother!! And check you out, getting flirted with by young women! Love it!
Given that W is incredibly stubborn and wouldn't make the first move even if she wanted to do so, should I suggest it to W and say it was her father's idea?
I think the advice you got is pretty clear on this, but let me try to get you thinking. Knowing what you know about DB'ing, if someone else posted this in their thread how would you respond?
Thanks all for your advice. My dilemma is this... even if W was willing to re-consider MR:
A) The day after W left she said to me "You'll never be able to trust me ever again". I know enough about us to know that she really will think that, so she will think there's no point in her even trying. However, I would be willing to see what's possible.
B) W won't want to admit anything to me that could hurt me (and there could be more that I don't yet know about).
C) Her pride and ego will get in the way because she likes everyone to think how wonderful she is.
D) W really is incredibly stubborn and always has been. She doesn't say 'sorry' unless prompted.
E) W has used our problems to gain attention and sympathy.
F) W has used our problems as an excuse for failing exams and work issues.
G) W reacts badly to anything that could be seen as any kind as a personal criticism.
H) W lives with her parents who are very supportive of her (but they have both said they have noticed good changes in me).
I) W won't talk about anything MR related. I've not approached the subject for a couple of months or so.
W looked so unhappy at the court case, withdrew her claims against me because I was willing to show the court they were exaggerated, twisted taken out of context, and BS. W couldn't look at me, and we got a 50/50 deal for the kids. That 'might' be a bit of a wake-up call for her. If it is, W is unlikely to say to me because of the above reasons. I know W well enough that she needs a door left open. That's my logic behind saying that her father had suggested counselling.
Amazing that other than point H) I bet 99.9% of the WS described in this forum do the exact same thing. There must be a chemical released in a cheating spouses brain that causes these exact same actions in them.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
