Endofit I just read a bunch of your posts. Sounds like you were awakened. I so wish I could get to that point in my R. In fact I wish I would have read your awoke posts before my WW just came and dropped off my kids. I know she can sense my doushyness. I am faking it like you did for a while. I act like I'm totally good. But not far inside I am a just freaking kitten.I asked to many questions. Like, if you're off work tomorrow, why dont you pick up kids and hang with them. She said. 'because I have plans "...right then I should have let it be....instead I say sarcastically...alright then.the way to make her feel guilty I guess....idiot move on my part. She turned and walked out the door I said "see ya later"....no reply back from her..so yeah ...I screwed the pooch on that one....Endofit, thanks for chiming in...it made me feel a little more confident . Check back on me anytime...it always helps.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I asked to many questions. Like, if you're off work tomorrow, why dont you pick up kids and hang with them. She said. 'because I have plans ".
Be very, very honest with yourself. Were you wanting her to hang out with the kids at your place (b/c you miss her), or were you just wanting her to spend time with them anywhere? Either way is no good. It comes off looking like pursuit and control. You have to stop suggesting to her what she needs to do with the kids. It's her life and her choice. She's an adult and doesn't appreciate your suggestions as to how she spends her time......especially since you are separated. You can't make her be the parent you believe your kids needs, and everytime you say something like this......she resents you deeply. Resentment is one of the big ingredients that goes into the foundation of waywardness. In other words, it helped to get you in this mess, and everytime you say something along these lines to her.....it just digs the marital grave deeper. You can't continue to do the same action and expect different results.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Sandi, good to hear from you today. To answer your question. Yes , I wanted her to spend time with them any where. Especially during the day while I'm at work. She told me she was off all day today. I know she resents me more than I know. I do miss her, but never show that side of me. I need to get to where I don't care...the sooner the better. So she did text me early this morning and asked if she could pick up the 2 younger kids from school and keep them for 2 hours. Of course I just said yes. We get along great on texts b/c brief. Phone calls are just short and to the point. Face to face is more intense. Today I just wanted to stop thinking about everything. My mind wanders all over the place. I'm mad, then sad and lonely and then just neutral then jealous. Tonight, my oldest D15 and I went to a college football game for a while until she got bored and wanted to leave. Trying to stay busy is challenging for me when I'm not at work. Tomorrow the kids and I are going to visit family. Hopefully I dont get stuck in thinking mode...as in I wish we were all together for holiday weekend like last year. I literally cant go anywhere with out something reminding me of how the family once was. Anywho, I hope my dam attitude improves. Going to read some DR now and then come check back.
Last edited by LANE777; 09/01/1803:47 AM.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
It's not so much about not caring, b/c you will probably always care to some degree. Think of it as on the job training, where you develop new skills. You have to intentionally set you mind to let go and stop controlling what she does. I think you are more controlling than you realize. It may be subtle, but I guarantee you that your W picks up on every little hint of control.
I thought I posted this short version of DB detaching, but couldn't find it. I really like it. Please read it carefully and start applying it. This is your map to detaching. Will it stop you from caring about her? Probably not. That's not the real purpose of detaching, IMHO. Detaching is letting go of the other person, and setting them free. The concept and application is the guide to having a healthier interaction and relationship with your W. Detaching takes self discipline. When you read the copied post below, I think you'll see what I mean.
Definition of Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love (known as to lovingly detach*), we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my duty/job to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she really is rather than who I want him/her to be.
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
* Added for clarification.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So I've had alot of time on my hand the last couple of days. The good news is that I'm not home to stew. I'm having fun with my kids and my family at the cabin. It's been nice. My mind has been occupied by doing other things. So the time on my hands. Again I went back to read all the posts from the vets. Sandi, Vapo, Joseph, Endofit and many others. I'm so glad I did. I pick up on more stuff that I might have missed and I'm starting to understand everything a little bit better. I never dreamed I would be here checking in on the DB forums. Sandi, thanks for taking the time to send the detach info. I have read through it carefully and know I am still trying to control things without even thinking about it. As I read back a couple weeks, you laid it out that my W will have to experience many things and it will take a while before anything might happen. The sooner and faster I can detach (for real) the sooner things will happen. I believe this will be about the time I will notice I'm finding joy in my life. I do worry and care about the mother of my children, however she has other things going on that have nothing to do with me. Yesterday when I took s6 to her, it was very early in the morning, her parents were taking him camping. I didn't say much to her. We were pleasant and I didn't stay long. I asked if she could look after our dog while we were gone for a few days. She said yes...I said thanks and off I went. So , I definitely am trying not to act like I miss her. I know she still has her guard of steel way up. So, nothing I can do but try to move on. I do miss having her on these long weekends. I do hope she realizes she's missing out on family fun. But shes totally in a different mindset right now. Forcing the new way of life. She did unfollow me on Instagram. Its stupid things like that for some reason gets in my head and bothers me...I don't know, probably no big deal. I just post pics of our kids is all. While here, my family (my siblings and their spouse) will want to talk about the sitch. I get tired of talking about it. Just want to relax..so I usually cut it short or change the subject, even though it's on my mind..lol. So I continue to battle. Thanks for the encouragement. It totally helps us new guys and gals.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Not much has happened between me and my W. The only contact was when she called me yesterday to see about when I would be home to pick up 6s. When I did pick him up, he came out and got in the car. So she did not come out to see her other 3 kids but they also didn't go in and see her. Part of me still thinks I should be able to call or sit down and have a conversation about us. But then I remember a couple months ago, it just pushed her to say she wanted a D and then to go get the D packet from the courthouse and fill them out. So far since I have backed way off, she has slowed down...maybe. She still has not mentioned anything about her little get away next week. I'm sorry but I get the biggest knot in my gut over this still. I know if I was detaching it wouldn't bother me so bad and I wish it didn't but it does. We were never able to go do things alone because we had kids and we were always broke. Now shes going off on a 5 day trip with her "just a friend" staying in hotels etc...hate thinking about it. It really hurts.
Like a lot of people, I come here to vent and get advice and what or what not to expect.
Is it good that we don't have much contact at all? When we do, we are nice to each other and its always about kids and schedule etc.
As far as a WW goes, do they even think about the good times they had and the good times they are missing out on right now? There's so many things we would doing right now as a family. Like right now we would be going to the fair. I just wonder if it even affects them and are they fighting off feelings themselves? I've been tempted to ask if she would like to go to the fair with me and kids. But I know its not the time to do ask. I guess I just miss doing all the fun stuff as a family and wonder if it even crosses her mind. Or is she so wrapped up in fantasy fog it just doesn't matter atm.
I know I am going to hear it from the vets about needing to forget about all this stuff and GAL. But I cant help but wonder if it even bothers a WW.
Today is a day of getting back into the grind of work and try to get through the next 2 weeks.
Peace
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
