In a nutshell My W was left on her own with lodgers acting as her guardian when she was 13 years old. This has caused her to have abandonment issues throughout her adult life and she has suffered from depression for quite a lot of our 11 years of marriage. She also has been a heavy drinker but since her mother passed two years ago she became abusive to me and this was witnessed by our children on occasion too. I’ve had cancer three times which has put me strain on us and put me in debt too.
My W went on a massive alcohol binge two months ago, while taking two anti depressants which caused a bad interaction leading to a nervous breakdown. She spent a month in a private psychiatric hospital and after a few days contacted me to say she no longer wanted to be married and would be speaking to a D lawyer. I hoped that a period of therapy and counselling would help her but shortly before she was discharged she filed for divorce. She moved out of our house this weekend.
We have two boys aged 10+8 who are currently living with me in the family home.
I have been suffering from anxiety attacks in the early hours of the morning since BD and have been exercising, eating well, visiting old friends and spending quality time with the kids, but still struggling daily with feelings of sadness and regret.
In woke up at 2.50am and again just now at 5:20am - both times in a cold sweat after having had vivid dreams I really freaked out because my W’s recent actions have been very clear- she has filed for D three weeks ago and has moved out to a new rented house on saturday. I have been GAL - meeting old friends and spending quality time’s with my kids since they’ve come home from holiday, but the more stuff I read about D it’s clear my W is going full steam ahead with this divorce.
I’m so scared - I just can’t bear the thought that I’ve lost her.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
I’m so scared - I just can’t bear the thought that I’ve lost her.
Why? What about losing her scares you? It sounds like your MR has been fraught with problems. From what you've outlined:
- She's an alcoholic. - She's abusive to a three time cancer survivor! - She had to be committed.
What are you trying to save? Is it your marriage to her? Or your marriage to the ideal of her?
Is this the life you want for your boys? To live with a mother that is so damaged?
Jaylove, if you want to save her you need to save yourself and your boys first. Move on, let her go, and become the best father that you can be for those two precious boys! Their mom will either wake up and come home, or she won't. But what does R look like to you? Would you accept her back as the psychiatric, alcoholic abuser she was? Or only if she is willing to do the work necessary to get healhty?
Do you not see your own value? You deserve better! More importantly those two boys deserve better! The damage she has done is already going to affect them for the rest of their lives! Please get yourself into IC, and then get them into IC too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m so scared - I just can’t bear the thought that I’ve lost her.
Why? What about losing her scares you? It sounds like your MR has been fraught with problems. From what you've outlined:
- She's an alcoholic. - She's abusive to a three time cancer survivor! - She had to be committed.
What are you trying to save? Is it your marriage to her? Or your marriage to the ideal of her?
Is this the life you want for your boys? To live with a mother that is so damaged?
Jaylove, if you want to save her you need to save yourself and your boys first. Move on, let her go, and become the best father that you can be for those two precious boys! Their mom will either wake up and come home, or she won't. But what does R look like to you? Would you accept her back as the psychiatric, alcoholic abuser she was? Or only if she is willing to do the work necessary to get healhty?
Do you not see your own value? You deserve better! More importantly those two boys deserve better! The damage she has done is already going to affect them for the rest of their lives! Please get yourself into IC, and then get them into IC too.
Steve I lOVE your frankness. Tbh I’m sure if I hadn’t have lost my first wife in such tragic circumstances aged 34 I’d have given W2 the boot a long while ago. My self esteem has been shattered In this current marriage and though we have had good happy times, her problems have always reared their head and caused me to be perpetually treading on egg shells.
From what I’ve been told by therapists - when sleeping the logical (left side ) of the brain rests, while the right side (emotional) side process stuff, without the help of the logical side, hence in situations like mine I’m having vivid and disturbing dreams, waking up at 02:30am drenched in sweat and feeling very sad about the sitch. -I’m inferring from that that I’m still desperate to try and keep this marriage together, or at least my sub-conscious is?
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Yep, the psychology behind that is all tough. No question. I went through it too. I slept very little. IN the first 2 months of my sitch. Had bad dreams about me chasing and her running. Or her with OM. It was awful.
Some actually have to get medications to help them. I battled through it.
And yes your sub-conscious is trying to hang on. However, your sub-conscious wants the ideal of her, not what she has become. That is the part that is difficult for LBSs to get through. The girl you married is gone. Maybe never to return.
So what are you going to do to help yourself? You mention your shattered self-esteem. Get back into IC and rebuild it!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I went to see our family doctor to find out about what counselling would be available for our kids. I was with the Dr for an hour and went over some of the examples of abusive behaviour from W over the past few years. The Dr said she thought it amounted to “clear case of child abuse” and has made a report to the local Child welfare people, who today visited my W in her New rented house. Apparently they had misunderstood certain things I’d said to the doctor, which further infuriated my W. Looks like this is going full ahead for Divorce. I’ve stupidly contacted mutual friends in the last few weeks trying to get their opinion on why W has turned on me and blamed me for her many problems but of course this has back fired and W has found out and is my determined Than ever to this divorce. Some days are better than others for me, i am still exercising every day but not really losing as much weight as I was a few weeks ago
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Jaylove, go straight to a solicitor and say you want custody of the kids asap. Do it without delay because it will go through a mediation process that can take months unless W is a danger.
So I went to see our family doctor to find out about what counselling would be available for our kids. I was with the Dr for an hour and went over some of the examples of abusive behaviour from W over the past few years. The Dr said she thought it amounted to “clear case of child abuse” and has made a report to the local Child welfare people, who today visited my W in her New rented house. Apparently they had misunderstood certain things I’d said to the doctor, which further infuriated my W. Looks like this is going full ahead for Divorce. I’ve stupidly contacted mutual friends in the last few weeks trying to get their opinion on why W has turned on me and blamed me for her many problems but of course this has back fired and W has found out and is my determined Than ever to this divorce. Some days are better than others for me, i am still exercising every day but not really losing as much weight as I was a few weeks ago
This is why I caution LBS about claiming abuse of their children when there is no clear abuse. Drs, CPS, all of them will always error on the side of caution. To limit their own liability. And remember, you aren't exactly unbiased when it comes to this. Especially when the LBS is hurt and angry. They can make things seem worse than they are to get back at the WAS. Or for other motivation (to try to get custody).
So let me ask you, and please answer honestly.....has your wife physically abused your kids? Do you believe it to the point where you would want criminal charges filed?
And yes, telling people close to you is always dangerous and almost always backfires.
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So what are you going to do to help yourself? You mention your shattered self-esteem. Get back into IC and rebuild it!
So last time we spoke I offered this advice. Instead you went to your Dr. and convinced him that the kids were being abused by your W. How did that work for you?You really need to get into an IC and work on you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - it’s been psychological abuse rather than physical - repeatedly coming home in the early hours drunk and being unable to open the door with a key, so she had to ring the doorbell, then coming up the stairs swearing at me when the kids have been awoken by the doorbell and able to hear what she has been saying to me, , then W not being in a good state in the morning when making the kid’s breakfast and taking them to school. That has had an effect on the kids for sure. The kids have expressed concern that their mum is often drunk and worry about her ability to look after them going forwards when she has them in her house. Overall I truly believe that our kids need to have both their mum and dad in their lives, but hopefully now that officials are involved there will be some safeguards or checks put in place to make sure they are safe when they are at their mum’s house. I have been seeing a cognitive analytical therapist under the supervision of a psychiatrist for six months, which tbh I don’t find that helpful, it’s good to talk and be listened to, but having lost my first wife (she was electrocuted ) and had cancer three times subsequently, there’s a lot to unravel and I sometimes think it’s untealsitic for me to have expectations of being “happy” When I went to the doctor I didn’t try and convince her about anything, I just told her about what had actually happened at home over the last few years - and it was all the honest truth
Last edited by jaylove; 08/22/1805:19 PM.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Okay, nothing I see there is qualification for abuse. Maybe some neglect at worse? But I am just saying I think I would have headed the DR off at the pass on reporting it as abuse.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
