W has appointment near our house today and just texted me she wants to pick up some of her things from the house. NGS would say "sure, help yourself". But I don't want her going into my (legally our) house unsupervised. Tuesdays are busy for me, and I wasn't planning on being home today until late in the evening. I shouldn't have to change my plans for her convenience to pick up a few movies and other things she left behind. We don't have that relationship anymore. I think I will tell her I am busy and won't be home to let her in today. She has a key but the front door has a latch that can only be undone from the inside.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Sigh.. I do want her to get her stuff out of the house though. I also fear consequences for locking her out of the house which she is legally allowed to enter. I read her full message and she did at least ask me if I wanted to be there while she was, so she is somewhat trying to respect that boundary. I just still wrinkle at her choosing the time that is convenient for her then asking me at the last minute. Maybe I'll ask her to schedule a pickup and give me more advance notice.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Do what works for you. If it doesn't inconvenience you to let her come by today then let her. But if she can't get in because the door is latched from the inside then just explain that to her and ask her to give you some more advanced notice so you can leave it unlatched.
Steve, I don't feel like playing games like that anymore. I think she could tell if I'd read the message anyway. I just gave her a short response and a 30 minute window for her to get her stuff while I'm there.
AS, your option sounds good. I thought briefly of that and thought I would have ended up being too wordy. I was afraid I would get the wording wrong or just cause more problems. Soooo NGS anyway I guess. I also reset the garage door opener codes a while ago so hers doesn't work anymore. It really is inconvenient for me today. So I'm just going to focus on the positive of having more of her stuff gone. She'll have her dad's pickup so hopefully she gets a significant amount out. Whatever remains I hope I can stuff in a closet or two then finally start using that room for myself.
And I can talk to IC about this on Friday for a debriefing.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
W emailed me tonight telling me she is flying out of state in a couple weeks and won't be back to take son to school on Tuesday. I normally drop him off with W before school on Mondays. W asked if my mom could do the Tuesday school drop-off son since hers couldn't, saying scheduling was hard for her on Tuesdays.
I'm thinking NOT MY PROBLEM but also think I should wait to respond so I don't sound like an a-hole. Or maybe I need to stop caring about sounding like an a-hole. Sigh. It's hard not to just be angry about this. I have a lot of judgments about this trip of W's as well as assumptions that may be incorrect. I think I am in the habit of expecting the worst from her now.
I knew W had bought some plane tickets because she used our joint card. I need to talk to W about closing that card again because I don't want my name on it anymore, and she has started using it more often and is only making minimum payments on it now.
I am angry that W can throw wrenches in my life like this and they affect me so much. For now I am writing this post and will not think about it more until tomorrow. Truth is I need to think about it, but I hate my anxious obsessing over things like this and I hate how worried I am about how to respond. Sorry W, now's not a good time.
Btw, it's nice having W's stuff out of that room. I used the space in there today to reglaze a window pane in my front storm door. Son even came in to ask if I needed his help, which was heartwarming. I showed him what I was doing with the glazing putty and I had him hold the putty in place while I pressed it in with the putty knife. He did that for about 30 seconds then he had enough. Was nice to have him there though
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
If it's a one time thing (or infrequent), I'd do it. It's nice to give each other a little flexibility. There may come a time when you'll need her to return the favor.
W emailed me tonight telling me she is flying out of state in a couple weeks and won't be back to take son to school on Tuesday. I normally drop him off with W before school on Mondays. W asked if my mom could do the Tuesday school drop-off son since hers couldn't, saying scheduling was hard for her on Tuesdays.
I'm thinking NOT MY PROBLEM but also think I should wait to respond so I don't sound like an a-hole. Or maybe I need to stop caring about sounding like an a-hole. Sigh. It's hard not to just be angry about this. I have a lot of judgments about this trip of W's as well as assumptions that may be incorrect. I think I am in the habit of expecting the worst from her now.
Well on the one hand you don't want her just taking advantage of you, but on the other hand as Harvey said you never know when you might need the favor returned. My ex did the same thing early on asking me to drop off or pick up the kids and as long as it wasn't a big inconvenience for me I did it. As it turns out I was the one that ended up having a lot of last minute work trips and had to ask HER to help out, and she always did and still does. All these years later we're still asking each other for help with S16 now and then.
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I knew W had bought some plane tickets because she used our joint card. I need to talk to W about closing that card again because I don't want my name on it anymore, and she has started using it more often and is only making minimum payments on it now.
If you're carrying a balance on the card then you can't close it out until it's paid down to zero because the bank wants the option to go after either of you if needed. You also do not have the option of removing just one party, you have to close the account and open new ones. Credit cards are always messy business in S and D.
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I am angry that W can throw wrenches in my life like this and they affect me so much.
Yeah, no one gets married thinking they need to protect themselves from stuff like this! It's unfortunate that we have to go through the financial headaches on top of the emotional ones, I think that's part of what makes it so gut-wrenching. It's like we're getting slammed from every angle. It gets better so hang in there! Sorry you're going through this!
When I dropped off son with W this morning she asked me if I got her email. I just said I did and that she'll have to ask my mom about it. W then started telling me about the logistical difficulties for that day, then kinda trailed off with "I guess we'll have to figure that out ourselves though.." (we meaning her and her parents I think). So I think she understands that I'm not her fixer for these kinds of problems. I'm not interested in exchanging favors with her right now. All that matters is that my son is taken care of. I'll do whatever I have to do for son if W fails to make arrangements for his care. I'll just leave it alone for a few days and then ask if she's got son's care figured out.
I was locked out of my house a couple weeks ago and I asked W to give my mom a key (after trying everything I could think of short of breaking a window). W gave my mom a key, I didn't give it back, and W didn't ask for it back. If she hadn't agreed to give me a key, I would have figured something else out, like calling a locksmith. I am not obligated to help her with her vacation planning oopsie.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
If you're carrying a balance on the card then you can't close it out until it's paid down to zero because the bank wants the option to go after either of you if needed. You also do not have the option of removing just one party, you have to close the account and open new ones. Credit cards are always messy business in S and D.
I am painfully aware of these obstacles, found them out last summer when I called the bank to ask to be removed from the account. What I would like is for W to transfer the balance to a card of her own and close the joint card. All I can do is ask though, or maybe negotiate with something in return.
I took W off car insurance a couple weeks ago hoping to save some money, but because of the increased mileage I reported from all the interstate travel for son and the marital status change to separated, I owe $20 more instead of $100 less like I thought I would. That was a rude awakening.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
