My wife's midlife crisis

[kiro]

My W always dealt the same way with everything, suppressing it and pretending it didn't happen. I always warned her about it, but she never listened.

And then after BD, she started blaming me for everything and bringing up small ridiculous stuff from 5, 10 and 15 years ago. I can't believe she kept track of such ridiculous things and was using them as justification for what she was doing. And at the same time, she totally forgot all the good times and joy she had. Unbelievable but true!

One example she brought up and then even went and told her father about it was that I once unplugged the power cord for the light next to her side of the bed and I didn't put it back. Wow! Really? She remembers that but she doesn't remember all the intimate times, the vacations, the dinners, the Valentine dates, the gifts, the long daily conversations, etc.

I read something about Analysis Paralysis yesterday. I (we) need to stop over-analyzing her behavior because I will never reach any good explanation.

[MarvinF]

It's either that they all follow the same source (books, articles, forums, ...whatever) or this MLC thing is a real psychological disorder that must be officially recognized by all therapists and psychiatrists.

I think it is a compound psychological event that is still not properly recognized or thought in psychology. The underlying components are all knows, they have to do with development disruptions in critical times in childhood, which then lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms that prevent repair of adjustment, and over time the way the sufferers cope stops working or actually seems to increase the damage and pain. That is what leads to the "explosion" where they just can't deal with it anymore.

Their behaviour, the disorders, the bad coping we all see, the components are all understood. But it seems the larger patterns are not and this is really a problem. Even if an MLC sufferer goes to a therapist without this bigger picture understanding most will use the wrong paradigms and will NOT realize what is really going on through the distortion.

This is what I have learned through this with my wife. And I have the advantage of involving my sister who is a trained therapist and has known my wife for almost as long as I knew her. So we can throughly see what has changed from what she saw before. And as she does more and more research she is surprised how there is so little literature and almost no training for psychologists that she is finding.

I am encouraging her to maybe start specializing in this. She can help people.

[kiro]

MarvinF, I totally agree and that would be a great idea if some professionals start specializing in this area.

I personally don't buy the idea that there is nothing that can be done to help someone in MLC other than waiting for them to go through it, do all the wrong things and damage everything in their lives.

Yes, it is probably true that there are no tools today to help MLCers, but these could be developed with more research.

One of the reasons MLCers can't be helped is because there is no good professional literature about the topic, based on scientific research and experiments. Most of the stuff either on the net or in bookstores is written by people like me, who are not professionals, but have lived through a MLC experience either as a MLCer or a LBS.

Even MWD's books DB and DR don't really address this topic in any detail.

When MLCers are in pain (before BD), they are looking for answers. They want to know what's going on with themselves, and so they look for books, videos, movies and articles about others who are going through similar pains. And they usually reach out to friends who are also going through MLC. But all of these people give them the wrong advice because they don't understand what's going on and because the only data they have is coming from their limited personal experience.

And many (maybe most) therapists are also skeptical about MLC because they have no data/research to support it. And so they insist on treating any MLC patients as if they were regular patients and using regular treatment options that we all know don't work for a MLC. These treatments only reinforce the MLC feelings of entitlement and selfishness.

I think generations ago, parents of a MLCer (and maybe priests) played an important role to advise their children that this is a only phase and that their long-term benefit is to be patient and not surrender to temptation. This doesn't exist anymore.

But I am sure that if there were professional material to guide MLCers through and out of their crisis, MLCers would be the first ones to jump on it.

[FaceMan]

Kiro - useful insight - I agree there is nothing written on the subject. There is a useful website I have read detailing the authors experience of MLC. It sums it up quite well for me.

My wife is moving out in the next two months as soon as the paperwork is complete. She says her feelings are real and moving out to be alone is what she wants.

The question I now have to ask is do I get on with my life or sit around in the hope she comes out of MLC within the next few years. I guess you can wait around and get on with your life at the same time?!?

Some would argue life is too short to sit around and wait; I'm sometimes of the view I want to keep my family together and uphold the vows I made to her 25yrs ago.

Some forums suggest she will come out of it in time and realise the damage she has caused and try to turn the clock back; others suggest divorce is inevitable.

I do love my wife to bits but at the moment, the feelings are not mutual and haven't been for a while. Her wedding vows mean nothing to her. Her behaviour is what is right for her, despite the pain she knows she is putting everyone through.

Why would someone want to go and live on their own when they have a loving family at their side to help and support them?

For now, I have found an inner peace when I am away from her doing things I enjoy with people I like being around.

[kiro]

You are asking the 1 M dollar question. I think you know the answer you will get.

Let her go and detach. What do you mean by moving on and life is too short? I guess you mean a new relationship. My opinion is that you ate probably not ready for a new relation. So you need to live as if she is gone and will not come back. The only thing that you dont have to do yourself is divorce. If she files, then accept it.

Then when you detach and give her the space she wants, you will be able to revisit this question then. Give it at least 6 to 12 month though.

You definitely should not wait for her to come back. If you think like that, you will be disappointed and wont be able to fully detach.

And work on yourself. I am sure, like most of us, you are partially responsible for problems in your marriage. Face your issues and work on them.

[FaceMan]

I do need to let her go. It’s pretty difficult though with mixed, confusing messages. She told me she can file for divorce. She then told me she asked her lawyer if she could stop the process at any time if she changed her mind!

Some close friends have just told me to forget about her and find someone else. I’m not ready for another relationship and won’t be for some time. My kids are my priority at the moment.

I feel a failure, betrayed, let down.....she says it’s all her and not me. Not wanting to be a victim in all this but it’s pretty hard to let go after 25yrs.

[kiro]

Do NOT believe anything she says! This is one of the first rules.

I have read dozens, maybe hundreds of stories on this forum and other sites. I have not seen 1 story where the MLCer/WAS returns at this stage. All of them without exception will take their space for a long time.

Most of them will leave. Others will stay but will distance themselves.

Most of them will have an affair, but not all of them.

Some of them will file for divorce. Others will be content with physical separation and won't ask for divorce for a long time.

You are still early in the process. And you already have high expectations. You seem to be completely attached to her behavior. This will only bring you down.

At this stage, it seems that most (but not all) LBSs hope that their situation will be different and that their MLCer will wake up all of a sudden. I haven't seen it happen. I don't know if anyone here has seen this happen.

What I did when I used to struggle with these thoughts 9 or 10 months ago, when I was at that stage, is accept my feelings. Don't fight your feelings. Don't blame yourself for not being able to detach. It is normal. This is a process and it takes time. You won't be able to detach and GAL at once. Do it one small step at a time.

IMO, your real question should be: "Will I accept her back in a few years if she wakes up from her fog and chooses to come back to me?"

And your answer should be something in the line of "I don't know how I feel in a few years"

If you have been reading the articles on the other site, you should know what the process is and what the different phases of MLC are. If she comes back now and you accept her as she is without either her or you doing the necessary work, it will not work because she will still be broken and will not be ready to commit or work on the marriage. Rebuilding the marriage after what just happened will be a difficult task and will require 2 mature individuals fully dedicated. She's not there yet and won't be there for a long time.

[kiro]

I Some close friends have just told me to forget about her and find someone else. I’m not ready for another relationship and won’t be for some time.

Your friends (and anyone who has not been a LBS) have no idea what they are talking about. And they will never understand what is going on with a MLC and how it needs to be handled because it is counter-intuitive.

I have many friends who as soon as they got separated started dating. I can tell you that several years later, most of them are not in any serious relationship and obviously never got back to their original wives. They just keep on jumping from relationship to the next. And they're always frustrated.

My father in law divorced my MIL after 17 years of marriage. Then, he got married to another woman less than 6 months later. This was 23 years ago. He is still married to the other woman (which is a good thing), but till this day he still regrets get remarried so quickly and not being patient because he loved his first wife and he thinks that they could have reconciled a few years later after emotions calmed down. We'll never know.

My point is you don't know if she will come back and you can't control her. But at any time, you have a choice to end it. You obviously still love her and don't want to end it. So why the rush? Why start thinking about a new relationship?

If you GAL and focus on yourself, you don't have to worry about life being too short.

[EZdozit]

I feel the same way. My wife has filed but the pace is at a slow crawl. W and I are still on speaking terms and are cordial to each other during our drop offs of our son.

I try to detach with love and seem to make good progress but then W says something that I construe as a tiny sliver of hope and I start back at square one.

[kiro]

What detaching with love means is to move your love to her from your heart to your mind. You archive it somewhere until a later time when you may retrieve it back. But for now, your target is to reach a point that whatever she says or does has no effect on your emotions. It’s not easy and takes time.