I appreciate any help as I too am a newbie. My wife of 9 years dropped the bomb on me 4 weeks ago that she wanted a D. My story, we met 12 years ago, she moved to my city to live with me after 1 month, engaged after 2 years and married after 3. We were best friends where we did everything together. She was supportive,sweet and loving. We both came from divorced families, where we saw the effects of D on people that we love and promised to never cheat. A little background on my W, her and her 2 sisters were abandoned when they were 5,3,1 by their mother left to be raised by their father. Her mother was a cheater, her grandfather was a cheater and her aunt has been married 6 times so she hasnt had the best relationship role models. However, she was the most loyal wife, she never even mentioned a another guy let alone look at 1. She is an utterly breathtaking women, but she struggles with low self esteem and her past relationships were all with men much below her that were not good relationships. Im sure she has had numerous opportunities to venture but never did. We have had some huge life events recently: celebrated 9 year anniversary where she wrote me the most heartwarming letter ever,she started a new highly successful job, we sold our house, we were building our dream home and we were trying to have a baby. Then 4 weeks ago she returned from a business trip on Friday and on sat she approached me with a panicked look, said we need to talk, and she wants a D. I was completely shocked, she had shown no signs of unhappiness, no signs of withdrawal, our sex life was amazing, everyone close to us said that we were the last people that they thought would ever divorce and her closest friends said she had never once mentioned she was unhappy! So I asked her if she had an affair and she said Yes! Her reason was she couldn t communicate her unhappiness to me and could never forgive herself for not telling me she was unhappy, and she didnt feel like she could be herself and she was hurt that we waited so long to have a baby. She is basically changin our story to make it sound like she was unhappy but NOONE picked up on it. She has developed fairly new friendships with a couple of divorced adulterous successful women. Since our separation she has been confiding with these women and pushing away her best friend and all of our good friends. Shes kind of gone into the single party girl mode. When we first separated she was cold, angry and distant. We both got our own place cuz we just sold our house. Three days after she told me she wants a D, she met a lawyer and has been fast tracking the D. When she first dropped the bomb, i like everyone broke all the DB rules. She felt pity for me, said she is so sorry for hurting m, basically she no longer respected me. Luckily, i found the Divorce Remedy that first week and decided to focus on bettering myself and give her space.
She Texted me everday but 1 the first 2 weeks and she was at the house unexpectedly when i went to move. My DB coach said to be happy and content whenever i was in her presence so i was very confident and charming and did a 180 and acted as if. It was amazing, her cold angry wall that she surrounded herself in was coming down. We had some laughs, great discussions, she called me Dear and followed me down the stairs with a heartfelt good-bye. She really had trouble looking me in the eye, you could tell she has so much guilt and shame (my therapists words). She ended our encounter again with D talk and even though i was crushed i said i see this really means alot to you and im not going to fight it. My DB coach suggested, I open lines of communication with her since she didnt feel like she communicate with me about her feelings so i called to discuss anmeeting We had another positive phone discussion where it seemed like we were taking small baby steps again but now she said that would be good cuz she is meeting with L to come up with settlement and we can discuss Friday. Once again, all of her close friends are telling her to slow down and process but she is full speed ahead. Well its Friday she called to tell me she was emailing papers cuz she was filing for D and if i would meet closer to her house. I did a 180 from what i would usually do and said No I want to check this specific place out and she relented. As you can tell, Im a Mr Nice Guy after 9 years of marriage when i used to he her Warrior. Ive been focusing on myself to be that Guy she Fell in Live with. And after 4 weeks i really like the guy that i used to be. I know that my actions can communicate the changes much better than words ever will, but i feel like she is cutting herself off from everything and not gonna notice/realize until it is too late(2 mths to finalize D). I obviously want nothing more than to make my marriage work, which is why i am here. I know I cant make any want to be with me, it just feels like she isnt letting emotions subside and thinking clearly. Any advice, would be appreciated. I just have this hole in my chest and immense sorrow in my soul and i feel like she is just throwing it all away without even giving US a chance. She isnt really processing though what she doing instead distracting herself with work, her phone and those awful new friends. Im trying to stay strong but this hurts more than anything imaginable!!
Last edited by Cadet; 06/08/1807:45 AM. Reason: restored post
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cory09, sorry you are here. But you will find support and great advice from some great people on this board.
I can't help but tell you, and be ready for this when it comes to light, that I am 99.9999% she has met someone. The timing of the BD, the day after returning from a business trip, is just too coincidental. Likely something happened on the trip between her and this someone. Everything else is a smokescreen.
Happy healthy marriages don't just suddenly end. You have a DB coach so you know that WASs are notorious for rewriting the history of the MR. She went from writing you a heartfelt letter on your anniversary to dropping a bomb on you the day after returning from a business trip.
I've told the story of my friend on here before. His wife dropped a bomb out of midair one day. At the behest of my W and I he hired a PI, and sure enough, she was deep into the throes of a PA. She'd gone on "business trips" and he found out later that most of them were not business trips but personal vacations with the OM. OM worked with his W.
Anyway, hang in there. You can't control what she does or says, you can only control you. YOu sound like you are doing a lot of things right, but you do need to lose the NGS fast, and really commit to GAL, 180s, detachment and being the best Cory09 that you can be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cory09, I'm so sorry you're going through this. There are so many friendly helpful people here, it helps to talk and vent if you need to. I hope she gets this out of her system and comes back to you soon.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Sounds similar to by sitch except I dont know about an A Ok the good news is she at least told you she is having an A So you know what you are dealing with Post haste read Sandis long threads about the WW And cut off communication asap with WW
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Hi Cory, sorry to hear your sitch but you seem to be doing better than most for the time that has passed since BD. For a WW I think what the veterans say is that tough love works the best. I understand the pain though, it is equal to grieving a spouse that has passed away. Reading someone else's sitch always puts things to perspective. H did a BD soon after a business trip in my case too but before that he had started to shut down on me for about 2 months. Yours seems too extreme, but like I read somewhere on the forum the WAS is neither healthy nor capable of having a truthful R with anyone right now so there is a good chance this new fancy of hers will fizzle out soon. Hang in there and use this forum well, this is like a secret FB of all LBSs where instead of sharing fake happiness we actually share heartfelt grief.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Well, me and wife met to open lines of communication last Friday and discuss the settlement that her lawyers prepared. Once again, The bomb drop was 29 days ago, but I wanted to make sure that she understands that I m listening to her needs and wants and that I respect her opinion. I can really tell through our communication that she was testing me in some ways. After, 9 years of marriage I turned into a nice guy and thought it was my job to protect and provide anything my wife could ever want. Through the separation I ve learned that I need to get back to my assertive, self- confident self if I ll ever have s chance with my wife or another productive relationship. I went into this meeting with the goal of staying calm, projecting confidence and being assertive.
It was interesting to see my wife s reaction, it was almost like she was relieved that I was sticking up for myself. We had good, fun conversation and I remained very patient. Her demeanor was super anxious and uneasy and she looked extremely thin and not as vibrant as she usually does. through conversation she has thrown herself into work and has become a compulsive house cleaner, clearly a distraction for having to face her emotions. She had always repressed her feelings and distracted herself because if she didn t acknowledge something was wrong she didn t have to face it. I m worried that she will continue to distract herself and allow herself to truly miss our relationship and in 2 months we ll be divorced.
At the end of meeting, I gave her a letter of release. She was really hesitant to accept it. I said that my only hope is you take the time to read it. It was basically, telling her how she enriched my life, took ownership of my contributions, had empathy for her and wished her the best in her life. She texted me 2 days later with a Thank- you for the letter . It was not what I expected and I m not sure how to respond to your thoughts except to say Thank-you . We ve sharing positive communication over the last couple of days which I m viewing as Baby Astro s but still no clear break from the D word. I m being patient but I really feel that I m truly trying to better myself and I can t keep thinking that she ll allow herself to remember how special our marriage was. It s frustrating and empty cuz the summer was truly our most magnificent time filled with amazing memories and now I m void of my best friend, lover and companion and cant stop missing her in my life
Last edited by Cadet; 06/12/1807:05 AM. Reason: restored post
Cory-- Wow, that escalated fast. (Your sitch, i mean. ) IMO you need to crash course on the Last Resort Technique (LRT) from the DB books. Maybe even the "Beyond the Last Resort Technique". Not sure how many similarities your sitch has to mine other than that we both appear to be involved with "Wayward Wives" (WWs), but i will offer up this, which is probably the most pertinent and impactful piece of advice i have received on here, at least in terms of "Turning things around" with a WW: "You will never look more attractive to her than when you are walking away." (And i am not alluding to the attractiveness, or lack thereof, of your backside.)
I hope Sandi2 chimes in on your thread because it really looks like you are staring down the headlight of a freight train here-- my sitch never moved anywhere near this fast.
Hang in there! Alot of good people here rooting for you and eager to help out!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
) IMO you need to crash course on the Last Resort Technique (LRT) from the DB books. Maybe even the "Beyond the Last Resort Technique". Not sure how many similarities your sitch has to mine other than that we both appear to be involved with "Wayward Wives" (WWs), but i will offer up this, which is probably the most pertinent and impactful piece of advice i have received on here, at least in terms of "Turning things around" with a WW: "You will never look more attractive to her than when you are walking away." (And i am not alluding to the attractiveness, or lack thereof, of your backside.)