Advice on My Scenario Pt. 8 - No Anger, Know Peace

[OrangeK]

One other thing OK. From what you've told us your WW is a piece of human garbage. She has shown no remorse, she asked to have a junk RO extended, she shacks up with OM and exposes your S3 to him willy-nilly.

So why spend one more minute wondering, worrying, contemplating, considering, and concentrating on what she thinks or feels?

you are not wrong but still.

I DONT KNOW HOW TO SHUT IT OFF.
What more do i need to explain here? i real;ize youre not telling me to get over it, but yet again im being told not to think about it.

THAT IS WHAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO!!!

[OrangeK]

Ill reply to you all after ive had time to decompress and purge this $hit.

I dont have the capacity to deal with this right now.

[SteveLW]

One other thing OK. From what you've told us your WW is a piece of human garbage. She has shown no remorse, she asked to have a junk RO extended, she shacks up with OM and exposes your S3 to him willy-nilly.

So why spend one more minute wondering, worrying, contemplating, considering, and concentrating on what she thinks or feels?

you are not wrong but still.

I DONT KNOW HOW TO SHUT IT OFF.
What more do i need to explain here? i real;ize youre not telling me to get over it, but yet again im being told not to think about it.

THAT IS WHAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO!!!

I feel you brother. Been there and done that. It [censored]. Again, the only thing that helped me was to get my mind occupied somehow. I know that is hard for you in your work environment. Hang in there, one day the highs will be longer and more frequent than the lows.

[Maika]

O - take a break!!! Your emotions and thought are going to cycle. It's normal and it's okay.

Let's get a couple of things straight:

1. You're not just going to get over it.
2. You're not just going to be able to stop thinking about it.

Let's accept that as facts.

Here is another fact - for you to get to a place where the need for answers basically disappears, it will require a process of proactive healing.

Moving forward, know that you're going to want the answers, and you'll think about those answers, but if you just stay there, then it will continue to overpower you.

But, accept that you'll think about it and it will take up mental real estate for a while, but continue to plan your life without W, go GAL, and take steps towards your healing.

Over time, this mental madness will start dissipating. I can tell you this from my personal experience. There isn't a way around it. Distraction through self-care is the path. Soon enough, you'll see that you don't give a $hit about her answers.

I am sorry, but that's the path. There is no way to circumvent it. I wish it was easier, but it's not. It's really hard, but so is all of this. Take it as part of the package.

[OrangeK]

Nevermind, I saw.

Honestly, she is who she is and always was. She showed you her true colors from the start and there was every red flag. It's hard when you are so smitten with someone, but she is who she showed you she is from the beginning.

My ex was the same. Sometimes we just look past all those huge blaring red flags in the name of love or hoping someone will change.

it's a lesson learned, for sure.

Really its like having two sets of hindsight at the same time.
I look back and see all the red flags and warnings, but at the EXACT SAME TIME when i look back i simultaneously see this amazing woman who I was smitten with.The Duality is very challenging.

[OrangeK]

Firstly, thank you to everyone for sticking through with me.
I get i can be difficult sometimes. Loving someone infinitely and hating them with the passion of 1000 Suns at the same time is a difficult challenge.

I just want to have 1 opportunity to sit her down and lay out all my frustrations, but i know she wouldn't hear me.
Overall ive been doing better lately. this is definitely the biggest relapse in a while.
I knew seeing her, and going to court would play with my emotions, just the delayed response caught me off guard.
I left court on Tuesday feeling great. It felt like a victory, but when that faded off a bit, i came to realize there is no victory here. this whole thing is a crying shame, a tragedy, so no, there is no victory. Just survival.

Im just going to keep my head down and get through to the weekend. I need this weekend really bad. Im trying not to call out of work tomorrow, as i am sorely tempted to do so.
I NEED the time to myself, but i am on thin ice with work as it is.

thank you all.
Steve, Joseph, Makia, Sandi, Vanilla, Ginger, MTB,
thank you thank you thank you.
it means the world that you are all so compassionate when its the source of all my pain that SHOULD be the one there to hold me up in my time of need, as opposed to a bunch of people who dont even know me.
you restore my faith in humanity.

[AnotherStander]

Hey Orange,

My need to understand is born from the fact that none of this makes sense at all.

I don't know if you read Accuray's posts in other people's threads, but I highly recommend you do a search on his posts and just read each one. His descriptions of why WAS's do what they do are brilliant, concise and logical. He has a real talent for explaining the unexplainable. Here's the thing- her actions DO make sense. They absolutely do. They follow a pattern, they are consistent with other WW's actions. The problem is you're looking at her actions through your filter instead of hers.

I am a type of person who needs to understand the why and the how. I cannot seem to just say "well this happened, and i know ill never understand it, so i just need to forget about it and move on"
I cant do that. I've tried. For months.

OK well having walked a mile in your beaten, torn up shoes I can 100% relate to this need to know. We can help you understand why a WW does crazy stuff, but what we can't explain is why they go off reservation to begin with. We don't know, they don't know, I'm not sure even God knows. Having been where you are I can tell you that eventually you will come to accept you'll never know and you will be at peace with that. But it takes a while, and I know it's frustrating.

SHE wanted to have a child, SHE wanted to get married, SHE was the one to always bring up what house she liked and what our life as older couple would be like. SO when she obtained all she had hoped for, it instantly became rotten and useless.

Yeah, I hear you brother. My ex and I had things planned out so well. We started with nothing and worked our way up to very successful white collar jobs supporting each other every step of the way. We had investments to pay for college for all the kids. We had a very nice, paid off home, paid off cars and zero debt. We traveled together, we were happy, the kids were happy, all our friends and family were jealous of our success and our great relationship. We were set to retire comfortably at 60. Who in their right mind would throw all of that away in their 50's? Here's the thing you have to understand- NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THROW THIS AWAY. That is the key. WAS's and WW's are NOT in their right mind. Once you come to grips with that you also come to grips with the fact that there is nothing to understand about the whole thing.

[AnotherStander]

I just want to have 1 opportunity to sit her down and lay out all my frustrations, but i know she wouldn't hear me.

Then do it. Maika went through this same thing, he just kept saying he wanted to sit his W down and get everything out there and let her know how he felt. I advised him that all it would do is cement the fact that she was done, but if he really needed to know then he should go ahead and do it. And he did, and that's exactly how it played out. So maybe you need that too, you just need to open up your heart and have her stomp on it one last time for you to finally let go and move on like Maika did.

[dusty70]

O..... Need to read your entire thread as I've only skimmed through the last two pages. From my own experience all I can say is I wanted everything you want, I wanted a second chance to work on our M, I wanted an apology, I wanted a lot from my XW that I will most likely never get but I am in a place where I don't need it anymore.
I searched for answers even though these boards told me not to snoop, I did and I found out more than I ever wanted to know. It destroyed me to find out the woman I loved more than anything could do this to me, to us! I wish I could go back and hit the reset button on my DB journey, I would change a whole lot of how I acted and started GAL and detachment much sooner!

Maika gave you some great advice on what you need to do, work on yourself! I learned this way to late but GAL is to save you! there are no truer words than that!

Im just going to keep my head down and get through to the weekend. I need this weekend really bad. Im trying not to call out of work tomorrow, as i am sorely tempted to do so.
I NEED the time to myself.

Don't hang your head, pick it up and go do something, anything. Make sure to keep yourself busy as this will keep your mind off it, as soon as you sit around with any down time you mind drifts off what the hell happened land. Stay busy!

but i am on thin ice with work as it

Does you boss know what's going on? My boss who is also a friend knew something was up, he actually got information for me to see an IC. But... I was a terrible employee all last year and I am finally getting my mojo back at work. My boss gave me the time and space I needed to for one stayed employed but also kept HR off my back. No shame in letting people know what's going on.

[OrangeK]

I just want to have 1 opportunity to sit her down and lay out all my frustrations, but i know she wouldn't hear me.

Then do it. Maika went through this same thing, he just kept saying he wanted to sit his W down and get everything out there and let her know how he felt. I advised him that all it would do is cement the fact that she was done, but if he really needed to know then he should go ahead and do it. And he did, and that's exactly how it played out. So maybe you need that too, you just need to open up your heart and have her stomp on it one last time for you to finally let go and move on like Maika did.

1.) I cannot, as my RO has me restricted to only contacting her via text or email regarding childcare only.

2.) My WW is a compulsive liar. As much as i feel like it would help me to let it all out at her (if i even could legally) she would just produce more lies, gaslighting and deceptions. I may someday when the TRO has been lifted but ill likly not care by then