He has been really honest about things since BD, and swears up and down that there is no A. I also don't think he has time for one... and I have chosen to trust him on this. Maybe that is naive. I think it's true though.
mybest,
Most left-behind spouses (LBS) are in their own special fog that prevents them from seeing clearly, and unfortunately, everyone generally ignores the elephant in the room. I'll be the barer of the bad news; your husband is lying out his @ss. He has plenty of time for an affair because his affair partner is someone at his workplace. Notice the time frame; he started his new job in September.
What value is there in knowing the truth? It doesn't change your approach to divorce busting, but it can put you in a place where you make better and more rational decisions going forward.
His job is nights; he works with all men. He could (?) be having an affair during the day, I suppose, but that'd be pretty tough to hide. I've been home a lot for the past few months from work (working from home, appointments, etc.). I don't want to snoop but I guess I could. But I think that's counterproductive.
Why does everyone assume he is having an affair? It'd make it easier for me to let go if it were true. Isn't it unfair for me to assume this when he promises that it's not true? Doesn't he deserve the benefit of the doubt with this unless I know otherwise??
Doesn't he deserve the benefit of the doubt with this unless I know otherwise??
mybest,
Do yourself a favor and approach this as if he's having an affair. The probability that he's not having an affair is close to zero.
When I was young, I worked the night shift for awhile. I was an aircraft mechanic and I worked with a male-only crew. Regardless, there were plenty of opportunities. There were women that worked at night cleaning the aircraft. In fact, let me tell you about Cheryl Lynn (she liked to be called Cherie). She was a tall tan, long legged 19 year old that I was nuts about. Neither of us were married, but she did have a boyfriend. I swapped lots of slobber with that hottie while at work and we went on several dates. I still have fond memories of Cherie. (That was back when the Journey's song "Oh Sherrie" was popular.) Those were the days...
I've really appreciated the advice I have found here on this website so far, but this seems to be too much... I... I just don't know. It seems like my assuming this would do more to damage the relationship then to help it?
mybest, it may be hard to hear, but yeah, 99.9% (I made that up) of the time, this situation is an affair. It doesn't change how you react, though. You still need to get a life, maintain your integrity, and be the woman he'd be a fool to leave. Affair or no affair, this just makes you more attractive. If he sees that you'll just be there, no matter what, he won't feel the pain of losing you. He has to see what he'd be giving up.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Would you be okay hanging out with him on Saturdays and doing dinners if you knew he was in an affair - whether it was emotional and/or physical???
What if you found out after spending all this time with him that he was in an affair and that he treated you like a chump????
Damage is already done at BD and no matter how much you want to bury your head in the sand and think that your partner still has the same values as you - they don't.
As I said before, I never in a million years thought my W would have an EA with someone. But guess what - she did.
This forum is littered with people who have gone through this exact experience.
Does finding an A change your approach? Yes and no. No in terms of NC/going dark and not pursuing and all of that. Yes in the sense that you should stop hanging out with him and playing pretend couple.
I am sorry that this sounds rough, but you need to protect yourself and start looking beyond what you think you know about your H. Develop some healthy skepticism.
Also, you didn't answer any of my questions from before.
mybest, it may be hard to hear, but yeah, 99.9% (I made that up) of the time, this situation is an affair. It doesn't change how you react, though. You still need to get a life, maintain your integrity, and be the woman he'd be a fool to leave. Affair or no affair, this just makes you more attractive. If he sees that you'll just be there, no matter what, he won't feel the pain of losing you. He has to see what he'd be giving up.
One caveat to this. Some people see infidelity as a deal-breaker. mybest if you are in that camp, then your actions would go from DBing to filing for D.
If infidelity is not a deal-breaker, IE you still want to try for R despite infidelity then it doesn't really matter does it? Take NYGal's advice and move forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1. Where did you fail in the relationship? How can you make improvements to yourself to be a stronger and more well rounded person emotionally, physically, and mentally? 2. What are you GAL activities? 3. What are some of your personal and professional goals?
Where did I fail in the relationship? I gained weight. I gave up on household chores when he did as well instead of working with him to fix it (to be fair, our house is messy/cluttered, not dirty/disgusting). I took us for granted, the same way he took me for granted.
How can you make improvements to yourself to be a stronger and more well rounded person emotionally, physically, and mentally?
Continue with IC and MC, continue with exercise and maybe increase the amount I am doing, continue reaching out to friends and being social, keeping my environment clean and comfortable. Finding new hobbies. Continuing to journal and post here. Continuing to meditate and trying to up my meditation game. Self-care.
What are you GAL activities?
I don't know what this is yet other than "get a life." I have ordered the books but they haven't come yet. I'd say probably spending more time with friends, walking the dog more, being more social at my exercise places, professional development through preparation for a possible doctorate program and conference presentations, finding a hobby?
What are some of your personal and professional goals?
I have sort of tacitly answered this already. Consider a doctorate. Publish or do research or presentations. Eventually (8 months or so from now) possibly think about a new job. Get fit. Become a healthy weight and maintain it. Find joy. Have fun. Spend more time in nature. Develop my friendships.
