Want to run this by everyone. I have been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and have been thinking about having a discussion with my W where I tell her that I am angry about this whole thing. That I am angry about how she disrespected me and our marriage. I want to acknowledge that I have been acting like a wimpy little boy instead of being a man and that I think she needs to make other arrangements for the horses and trailer. I feel like if I can do this then I am on my way to getting my balls back. What do you experts on here think about this?
I'm not an expert, but telling your wife how angry you are is just going to result in a big argument. It won't resolve anything and you won't feel better.
Want to run this by everyone. I have been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and have been thinking about having a discussion with my W where I tell her that I am angry about this whole thing. That I am angry about how she disrespected me and our marriage. I want to acknowledge that I have been acting like a wimpy little boy instead of being a man and that I think she needs to make other arrangements for the horses and trailer. I feel like if I can do this then I am on my way to getting my balls back. What do you experts on here think about this?
I am also no expert, but I agree with doodler. Proclaiming this will not lead to a positive outcome. Actions are what matter right now. If you really want her to make other arrangements for the horses and trailer than tell her this and follow through. Saying you're going to be a man now will get you nowhere.
Married: 9, Together: 16 Me:33, W:34, D:6, S:3 BD: 1/1/18 EA confirmed: 2/7/18 I moved out 6/1/18
She doesn't give a crap how you're feeling. Words are cheap. Channel your anger in a productive way - work out, go boxing, chop some trees, whatever works for you. As others have said, actions not words. Just repeat it to yourself - actions not words.
Achieve the balance between being assertive/firm and pleasant. That is the secret sauce right there. That will do way more wonders for you than giving her some lecture about your feelings.
Want to run this by everyone. I have been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and have been thinking about having a discussion with my W where I tell her that I am angry about this whole thing. That I am angry about how she disrespected me and our marriage. I want to acknowledge that I have been acting like a wimpy little boy instead of being a man and that I think she needs to make other arrangements for the horses and trailer. I feel like if I can do this then I am on my way to getting my balls back. What do you experts on here think about this?
I would say there is a couple of different things going on.
Telling her that you are angry is a waste of your breath. How about the contamination that you brought to the marriage. This isnt a 'her fault' kind of deal. It takes two to make a relationship work, and you putting that blame on her is disowning your share.
Now, with regards to the horses, if there is an issue for you (such as financially or with your time or whatever, then go ahead and discuss it. But I would say that stopping because you 'are angry' is probably a bad idea. Id say there are better places to put your anger.
Want to run this by everyone. I have been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and have been thinking about having a discussion with my W where I tell her that I am angry about this whole thing. That I am angry about how she disrespected me and our marriage. I want to acknowledge that I have been acting like a wimpy little boy instead of being a man and that I think she needs to make other arrangements for the horses and trailer. I feel like if I can do this then I am on my way to getting my balls back. What do you experts on here think about this?
Nope!
Although you would be telling her how angry you feel, it's still nice-guy tactics. So you do not see it? You want to resolve the problems, or get some desired response.......by talking to her. You don't get your b@lls back by having another conversation! You certainly won't accomplish anything by acknowledging to her how wimpy you were. That's what guys with NGS do!
Start being that man who has b@lls. The only thing you need to say to her is to get her cr@p out once and for all, and end these pit stops where she just picks up a few items at a time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Telling her that you are angry is a waste of your breath. How about the contamination that you brought to the marriage. This isnt a 'her fault' kind of deal. It takes two to make a relationship work, and you putting that blame on her is disowning your share.
I know I have a part in this breakdown of our relationship, but I cannot and will not take responsibility for her affair. Which is the reason we have not been able to begin Rec the marriage and the impetus for the D.
---------------- Me-53 W-50 T-16 M-13 Bomb drop 1-16-18 Discovered EA 1-23-18 Discovered PA 2-2-18 Still involved with OM WW moved out 3-29-18
I don't think Amoawfl is telling to take the blame for your W A. You are being told, that will have to move pass her A to start recon. You will have to forgive and own your part in the downfall of your M. If you do that you can see that your W A is part of the problem and not the whole problem.
Even if your W end the A, she will never come back to the old Along. So fixing your side is just as important as your W owning up to her faults.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Latest update. I have been working on refinancing the house and the bank says the title company wants a marital waiver form and quit claim deed signed in order to proceed. Asked the wife and she agreed to do so, then she said "her attorney" advised her not to sign. Told her I would have to wait for divorce to proceed then. She responded that she needed a closing date and when/how I was going to pay her equity for the divorce agreement. This puts me in a catch 22. this can't be right. I have not talked to her since. I am trying to formulate a proper response since I know the OM is coaching her. She asked about the apraisal being done and who was doing it then if she would get a copy. I let her know i didn't know. she sent an email saying OK then immediately after she sent another which was not meant for me saying that I didn't know who was apraising the house. I wanted to call her and tell her that the OM needs to stay out of our D. I have resisted the temptation so far. At this point we are at an impass. I need to give her options. Either she sign or we sell the house and deal with the rest.
---------------- Me-53 W-50 T-16 M-13 Bomb drop 1-16-18 Discovered EA 1-23-18 Discovered PA 2-2-18 Still involved with OM WW moved out 3-29-18
Latest update. I have been working on refinancing the house and the bank says the title company wants a marital waiver form and quit claim deed signed in order to proceed. Asked the wife and she agreed to do so, then she said "her attorney" advised her not to sign. Told her I would have to wait for divorce to proceed then. She responded that she needed a closing date and when/how I was going to pay her equity for the divorce agreement. This puts me in a catch 22. this can't be right. I have not talked to her since. I am trying to formulate a proper response since I know the OM is coaching her. She asked about the apraisal being done and who was doing it then if she would get a copy. I let her know i didn't know. she sent an email saying OK then immediately after she sent another which was not meant for me saying that I didn't know who was apraising the house. I wanted to call her and tell her that the OM needs to stay out of our D. I have resisted the temptation so far. At this point we are at an impass. I need to give her options. Either she sign or we sell the house and deal with the rest.
along, now you are getting into legal matters. I would consult your attorney. If you do not have one, get one!
As far as telling your W to keep OM out of the D, do you think she would listen to you? If you were consulting someone, anyone, and she told you not to, would you stop?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
