Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[MJDG]

It seem like you need a good marriage friendly therapist. I’m not sure where you live, but where I am it’s like looking for a pink unicorn.

Nevertheless, it’s almost like you need an intervention. As an outsider after reading your story, it seems that you need to major tuneup. What you don’t to do is let her drop the bomb. It’s like trying to put a genie back into the bottle. Why let it get that far? Nip it in the bud. It’s easier now, then after some has filed. Because one that happens there ar things you can’t take back.

[reframe]

It seem like you need a good marriage friendly therapist. I’m not sure where you live, but where I am it’s like looking for a pink unicorn.

Nevertheless, it’s almost like you need an intervention. As an outsider after reading your story, it seems that you need to major tuneup. What you don’t to do is let her drop the bomb. It’s like trying to put a genie back into the bottle. Why let it get that far? Nip it in the bud. It’s easier now, then after some has filed. Because one that happens there ar things you can’t take back.

I wish that were an option. When we had our last blow up (right before Christmas) I asked if she would see a consoler with me and she refused, saying "she needed to work on herself right now".

We haven't had any R talks since then. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I'm in a position to try and force this issue, and the prevailing wisdom on this board is that it won't be effective until both partners are going willing.

I'd love to have something else I could "DO" though...

[joejoe1]

Reframe,

Chuck was my DB coach as well. You need to take what he is saying and the advice on this board and see what works for your M. Only you know your W and only you can gauge her reactions.

The one thing you have to keep in mind is not pursuing but also you have to speak her LL. I know it sounds crazy, but you can't become cold and you have to show her a person only a fool would leave. You can GAL and continue to stay in the house with your W. Let her see the new you and what she will be losing.

Let your W go! Let her go on her own journey and you go on yours, do you have to kick her out, no! But you also cant put up with her sh!t. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to be confident and upbeat around her all the time. I know its hard as hell. None of this is or will be easy.

Don't worry about recon until she has shown you she is all the way in. If you try to recon before then, it becomes pressure. Let her come to you and prove to you that she wants to be in the M. But she won't do that until she feel you are safe.

Safe: A place for her to let her guard down, and let out all her emotions and feelings without any judgement, demeaning, guilt shaming, or misunderstanding from you. This is a place to freely express yourself. No barriers, no expectations. That's what love truly is. When you love another person, you love them, unconditional without expectations. They are free to be who they are. And when they love you back you are allowed to do the same.

I think we have gotten love and respect tangled up. Without respect in a relationship there can't be love. See there, without RESPECT love has no place to thrive.

So before love there is respect. People learn how to respect each other before they learn how to love each other.

The LBS always try to win love back, but the truth is the LBS has to win respect back before their S will ever come back and that's the message thats hard to get thru to most LBS. Winning respect back is terrifing for most LBS because it entails, saying NO, and letting go of the thought of only one ending and thats healing the M.

Your work is in winning/gaining your respect back not your W or M

I used the winning instead of gaining, because it sounds more goal oriented too me.

Get your respect back so she can love you. These are my opinions from all my research and readings

Onward and forward

[MJDG]

You could

1.Get counseling on your own
2.GAL
3.Journal

In my short time all of these have made me feel better

[reframe]

So I had another reminder today that the W is not in a good place.
She's been seeing a life coach (i.e a therapist who isn't a psychologist) who has pushed her to be open to a whole new-age spiritual journey.

I have some evidence that the coach isn't being honest, and is setting up "coincidences" to look like a spiritual "synchronicity" or something.

I know that I can't say anything to object to any of the "gurus" she has found. The wife is lost and looking for answers, and this people are apparently telling her things she'd like to hear.
What's the expression "There are none so zealous are the recently converted".


Part of me wonders if they're actually attempting to drive a wedge in her marriage, since isolating the victim is cult 101.

Not that there is anything I can do about it. These are essentially toxic enablers, just an interesting example. Ironically it actually feels kind of good to see some of the irrationality. It's at least helping me realize that this isn't due to my failures as a husband.

I have had some to be sure, but that's not what's going on here.

[doodler]

I know that I can't say anything to object to any of the "gurus" she has found. The wife is lost and looking for answers, and this people are apparently telling her things she'd like to hear.
What's the expression "There are none so zealous are the recently converted".

Oh sh*t! Dude, that svcks. Have they been able to get any money out of her?

[reframe]

Yes.

When this first started, she wanted to see a functional doc and a therapist.
I supported both of these ideas.

The therapist she's seeing is a "life coach" though, and has been referring her to all kinds of new age spirituality. We've had a few fights about me not being open minded. (I know better than to engage in these now). She's paying the therapist for every session though, and is paying other healing professionals.

When I meet the therapist (see my first post in this thread for that story) she seemed extremely positive and reasonable. so I will give her that. That said, the wife has changed from a skeptical agnostic, to someone who is having a spiritual awakening and who wants to rely on intuition for everything. She's actually said she wants to make decisions with intuition and not logic moving forward.

I'm not sure the path she's going down is healthy, or good for her, or our relationship, but I think all I can do at this point is "be the lighthouse" and see if she works through it. While working on my own life in the meanwhile.

[doodler]

She's actually said she wants to make decisions with intuition and not logic moving forward.

Well, you know, logic can f*ck up a perfectly good day. Hopefully she doesn't get caught-up in the pesky immaculate conception thing.

[reframe]

Yea. I definitely have times where I'm wondering what it is I'm trying to save, and just want to get on with my life. I've had a lot of that lately, hence my considering separation earlier.

As others here have pointed out though, that's nothing stopping me from actively going the GAL route while I'm living with her. The option to separate will always be there later.

[reframe]

Fantastic advice JoeJoe.
How does initiating physical affection play into this? I feel like it's a fine line between "don't be cold, but GAL" and "don't pursue"?

Reframe,

Chuck was my DB coach as well. You need to take what he is saying and the advice on this board and see what works for your M. Only you know your W and only you can gauge her reactions.

The one thing you have to keep in mind is not pursuing but also you have to speak her LL. I know it sounds crazy, but you can't become cold and you have to show her a person only a fool would leave. You can GAL and continue to stay in the house with your W. Let her see the new you and what she will be losing.

Let your W go! Let her go on her own journey and you go on yours, do you have to kick her out, no! But you also cant put up with her sh!t. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to be confident and upbeat around her all the time. I know its hard as hell. None of this is or will be easy.

Don't worry about recon until she has shown you she is all the way in. If you try to recon before then, it becomes pressure. Let her come to you and prove to you that she wants to be in the M. But she won't do that until she feel you are safe.

Safe: A place for her to let her guard down, and let out all her emotions and feelings without any judgement, demeaning, guilt shaming, or misunderstanding from you. This is a place to freely express yourself. No barriers, no expectations. That's what love truly is. When you love another person, you love them, unconditional without expectations. They are free to be who they are. And when they love you back you are allowed to do the same.

I think we have gotten love and respect tangled up. Without respect in a relationship there can't be love. See there, without RESPECT love has no place to thrive.

So before love there is respect. People learn how to respect each other before they learn how to love each other.

The LBS always try to win love back, but the truth is the LBS has to win respect back before their S will ever come back and that's the message thats hard to get thru to most LBS. Winning respect back is terrifing for most LBS because it entails, saying NO, and letting go of the thought of only one ending and thats healing the M.

Your work is in winning/gaining your respect back not your W or M

I used the winning instead of gaining, because it sounds more goal oriented too me.

Get your respect back so she can love you. These are my opinions from all my research and readings

Onward and forward