When I first read the email and immediately my stomach dropped but it is not nearly as bad as what it was 3 months ago. So I feel fine right now. After you have been doing this for a while it does get better with time as you know.
Her wording was that she wants to sit down and talk about filing for D. Maybe look through paperwork, etc.
My kids are adjusted to the routine, my feelings for her have got less and less the thing I am not looking forward to is the financial piece but I know that can't be avoided.
I am fine being on my own so really I feel fine, I think just a little down, maybe a little disappointed but I know I couldn't have done anything different from BD until now so I will just be strong and confident with her when we sit down to discuss.
I am really sorry to hear it. I think I always rooted hardest for you because you were such a great DBer and I wanted solid proof that it prevented D if done properly.
I realize it does work in other ways because you are stronger then when you got here and you will be just fine it life.
I think what I read about your W today say a lot about her. So many moms would love to have the summer off to spend with their kids.
Keep your chin up and realize that the future is yet to be determined.
Please do mediation and do not get lawyers involved. Keep it amicable for your daughters.
Man, you couldn't have done anything more differently to change the course of action on her part. You DB'd like a champ and made huge improvements to yourself. I know that this does put a final nail for the small bit of hope that you tucked away, but just like in the past, feel what you're feeling and let it pass.
I agree with LH about the summer comment from her.
I believe she's still in her journey and just like BD, she might think that getting the D will finally get her to where she wants to go and her problems will go away. But we know that getting a D isn't going to help with that if you've not handled all your $hit and come to a place of peace with yourself.
Let her ride out her journey and that's all the best you can hope for. The future is still not fully revealed and this D process will take months. So, stay the course with yourself and see where it leads.
Thanks guys....I will definately stay the course and continue to ride it out. I really don't see her changing her mind at this juncture and I agree M she is still on her journey. It doesn't appear like she is going delay it any longer. I sure wish I could have had the opportunity to reconnect with her and build a stronger relationship so while DBing saved me I appear to be another one the fallen soldiers.
I appreciate the compliment LH and M as I do consider myself good at DBing but it just goes to show that it takes 2 make it work. That you can do everything perfectly but in the end without the 2nd party engaging you don't stand a chance.
I will definately suggest the Mediation route with her which I think we can do because we have been civil and working with each other the entire time. The only thing that could mess that up would be the enablers she has around her that have recently or are currently going through D.
So we shall see what Saturday brings. The funny thing is that she asked me to meet at Chili's so we could discuss. I responded back to her and I said I am not sure what you want to discuss but if we are going to go over finances etc. I don't think Chili's is the best place to do it. She agreed and said we would meet at the house. I was like really???? Chilis?????? SMH.
So I will keep my head held high, treat Saturdays conversation as I am a high value item. I don't think she will bring up our R but if she does I won't get sucked into the conversation. If she asks me if I want a D I think I will just tell her that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, who doesn't love me, or want to spend time with me so if you don't feel that way and you don't want to try then we are moving forward. Not sure what else to say but I am not going fall over myself if it comes up.
My chin is up, I don't feel overly sad, maybe a little dissapointed.
Sorry J9, just read your last few posts. When I met with the lawyer she set me straight, actually helped me understand the way this all works. She is also a friend and gave me advice on a personal level... she said that she is seeing about a 20% pull back rate, meaning that 20% of all the woman filing pull back the ppw after all is said and done. Then she said that some couples come back later b/c they reconnect and they want a pre-nup.. ugh... its not easy.
So my W and I are filed and still living together, she has been so nice I cannot believe it she must feel relieved that its been filed. I feel better too...best to you J9 you certainly gave us all hope... and its still not over.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
I'm relatively new to this board and I've been following your posts during the last week. It's given me hope to see how calm and rational you are.
As bhappy said, its not over. In the last month I've read that 10% of couples who divorce remarry. Based on what bahappy said, some people find that ~20% of women reconsider and choose not to D before final papers are signed.
This is all the more reason to stay to the course with confident detachment, as there is no telling when the tide might turn. Even if you talk big round finance numbers on Saturday, I would think you could still do that at Chilis. Public place = more reason to remain calm.
I understand mediation increases the chance of resolution and keeping the M intact, but I also understand that mediation and attorneys are not mutually exclusive. Seems like the older you are, the more assets at stake, the more important legal advice will be, even if things aren't adversarial.
I think mediators serve to help you find common agreement and attorneys serve to help you understand the legal system and prevent regrettable agreements.
So far, it looks like the route for my W and I will be: (1) consult attorneys and tabulate assets, (2) discuss/outline split, (3) meet with mediator to (hopefully) agree on items where agreement has been lacking, (4) have attorneys draw up agreement.
I want to keep the attorney role small, but there are certain things, like pre-marital assets, where I want a legal opinion. However, I do not want the attorneys there when we meet with the mediator, as they might take over the conversation.
Married 15, Together 17 M: 59, W: 57, SS: 28 BD: 12/21/2017 My 1st M; W 2nd M
Thanks BH....I realize you never know what will happen in the future but even though I have always hung on to hope in the back of mind I always kind of knew she wasn't coming back when she walked out the door. If nothing else hopefully how I have carried myself will help us move through the D process a little easier.
I surely wanted to show everyone that it was possible and give everyone a little extra boost that they could also be successful however as LH said there are two parts to this and feel good about completing the first part, which really is most important in saving yourself.
N - Thanks for the positive words. I am naturally a very laid back person and 99.9% of the time am calm and in control so i think that comes very easy to me.
In my state the Mediators can get everything drawn up but only an attorney can draw up the agreement. So my W and I can either Mediate with A's or without A or if we already agree on a bunch of stuff skip mediation and just go right to the attorney's. One of the guys that I play basketball with a Judge in the county we live in and he gave me the name of 2 attorney's that are good guys. His advice was to skip mediation all together if you and your W are talking, amicable, etc. and already agree on stuff. He said there is not point in going to mediation on stuff that you already are good with. For us I think the biggest two things we will need to discuss is if I have to pay her alimoney and what the monthly child support will be. I think everything else will be a non-issue.
J9, I'm sorry your W is pushing for D now. You've done a good job at DBing, and you really gave it your all! Sadly it just takes one person to want to end a M.
For mediation, my XW and I used L's. I'm certainly glad I did. My XW was proposing that we could "share" her L, but there was no way I was going to do that. Then she acted surprised when I told her I would have my L at mediation, and she said something along the lines of "Oh really, you're taking your L? You know, you don't need to have one at mediation." She was probably hoping I'd walk in without mine while she had hers, so she could steamroll me.
A L can also help with any surprises at mediation. My XW had been saying for months that she wanted 50/50 custody. But all of a sudden at mediation she asked for primary custody. My L had helped me prepare for things, so we were able to quickly dismiss that proposal.
I will have a big legal bill, but I get the peace of mind in knowing that I got as much as I could in the mediation. That's not a punitive statement - I needed a L to ensure I got a fair share.
In the end, you know your W and sitch best, so it's your call about how to proceed with mediation.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I will just tell her that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, who doesn't love me, or want to spend time with me so if you don't feel that way and you don't want to try then we are moving forward.
This is exactly what I have in my head when I get to this fork in the road. I think I am a few months away from this due to the separation waiting period, but I believe W is going to bring this up and I can be ready for it.
As you know, I've been following your sitch closely and I feel like I know you like a brother and this turn of events just made me feel really sad yesterday. But the best of this is that you didn't compromise your values and integrity throughout this process. Of course it's not over.
You can DB the best you can but sometimes it's just done and done the day they walk out. But what I take comfort in, and hope you do too, is LH's signature and 'not ever trying to convince someone to be with you'.
Sorry that DB hasn't been able to save your MR, but I am so glad that it saved you.
