Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[AndrewP]

Taking money out of your pension is bad on all sorts of levels. One that could bite you beside the obvious is that it that those are marital assets. Recovering from a pension withdrawal is painful. You might be able to use it as collateral though. Check with your financial institution. I found mine to be incredibly helpful.

Could you do the move in two steps? First to some sort of temporary accommodation - perhaps even imposing on the kindness of a friend for a month or two - while you get your stuff all in order?

From what I understand when my STBX moved out she first stayed in a 4 bedroom house that was vacant for a couple of months. The long-term tenants weren't moving in until the fall. She then moved into her apartment after that. I'm not sure why she did that in her case but I know that the landlord of her apartment renovated it for her.

Perhaps contact a realtor and see what they might know of. They often have the inside information on such things. Maybe even a vacant house that is up for sale that needs to look "lived in".

[Kyh]

Journaling:

Lots of daily back and forth with the L. Had to make provisions for potential changes in tax law. It’s inching closer to the finish line. I can’t stand how much money I am paying but I have no choice.

Spending all of my home time with the kids and only see w in passing. She has been trying to initiate conversations and even physical contact (not sexual) and I’m just not very interested. I have also tried to be there for the kids in every way. More hugs. More rough housing. More ILYs. I have no idea how the kids move around the house when I am not there to give piggy back rides.

W has stopped her overnights this week and now tells me when she will be coming and going and has been cooking meals for the family. Good news is i am not mind reading or thinking this is any sort of meaningful change.

I am going to need more cash than I have now to move out and set up the new place for me and the kids. Question is do I take out a personal loan, take money out of retirement funds with tax penalties, or ask to borrow from friends (as my family has no money)?

Maybe I missed it but why do you feel you need to move out? Especially with the burden it will cause you. The burden should be on her for her choices.

[GiannaS]

WOW

[bttrfly]

Hi Gordie,
Retirement funds are a bad idea because:
1. marital asset
2. penalty
3. adds to your income, so you will not only have an increased tax bill to the IRS, it could also change your support agreement, depending on how that's handled in your state.

I would consider personal loan, then borrowing from close friend as a last resort. Is there any way you can get an advance on your pay from your job?

Also, Andrew is right about the house sitting option being a good one. Do you know any realtors? Contact some. It's a pain to be in limbo,and have to potentially move more than once, but better than some other options you've outlined.

Also, while I'm thinking of that - what about something where you get a reduced rent in exchange for some work around the property? Again, contact realtors in your area or put an ad online.

Just some quick thoughts, hope they help. You're in my prayers and meditations. xoxoxo hugs

[Gordie]

AndrewP, Kyh, Butterfly,

Thanks for your thoughts.

1. I am moving out because I don’t want the house.

2. Marital assets have already been split, so not possible to take from shared assets.

3. Yes, need to think about where I will be temporarily until I get financially stable.

[Gordie]

So taking one day at a time. Hopefully w will sign the settlement as soon as tomorrow. What’s bugging me is this: how do I emotionally deal with the fact that stbx is determined to make OM2 a big part of my children’s lives? L said I can’t really do anything about it. I’m worried that my children will think this is normal or that this will damage my R with them? Yet another thing I never thought I’d have to deal with in my life but accepting it is now my reality. How have others faced this challenge?

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

Just be honest with them, and without judgment, when they want to talk about issues. Let them lead the discussion and make it appropriate for each age group. You can tell them what you believe, without impugning her. As parents it is our job to talk to our kids about relationships, morality, and ethics. I don't believe a schism in the family changes that obligation.

My children know my stance on marriage, fidelity, and trust in relationships. He does not talk to them about these kinds of issues and they do not open their hearts to him. You will likely experience the same thing. Kids have good antennae. They know about problems in the relationship long before we tell them. They know who has their back.

Try not to borrow trouble and take each day as it comes. I have worked a lot with my counselor on not catastrophizing everything and just standing back and dealing with issues when they actually arrive. My anxiety is way down.

[OwnIt]

Gordie, for the younger kids I wonder if you could check into "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf". It is written I think to help kids with grief from death, but I think the themes will play out for this situation as well and as we know, the feeling of loss for a marriage or a family feels like a death. Maybe a chaser with the book "Parts" about how weird stuff that happens to our bodies is completely normal. It is funny and reassuring. I think the little ones just need to understand that change is ok and in fact a normal part of life.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - For yourself this is another betrayal that you will need to deal with. If not OM2 then OMX etc. Your STBX shows poor judgement in pushing another man into their lives even before your chair is cold. But - well - that is what it is.

I wrote before about mind-shifts where your STBX is no longer "your" wife/ex-wife but where she is the "mother of your children". Somehow you need to find a way to distance yourself from this guy as well.

It sounds like he will have contact with your kids sooner rather than later and that it's not being done in a thoughtful way. No matter whether he tries to be a "Disney Dad" or is a guy who will ignore them, stories will get back to you. I haven't had to face this myself but I've read lots of places where it happens. I recall some old threads by CT1118 where he worked on dealing with this with his young son. It's tough.

Hopefully some of the others who are dealing with co-parenting will chime in. There are a fair number here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is the toughest thing that you will ever have to do. It takes a very brave and very strong man to take what you have taken with the grace and courage you have shown.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Gordie}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry, Gordie. Look at it this way, at least you're getting all this over with at once. Small favors, I know.

I think if I were faced with this I'd want to know as much as possible about the person who would be interacting with my children. The internet is a great tool. Use it to your advantage.

Painful as it is personally, your primary responsibility is protecting the kids. He may be a harmless guy. Best to do some checking.

I've never been in this situation. Thankfully my exh kept his activities focused in another state so son and I never had to deal with anyone else. We also had it written into our agreement that we would not introduce son to anyone unless it was a more than merely casual social relationship. Honestly I have no good advice to give here.

I will tell you that kids are loyal. Kids love their parents. One of the gifts of childhood is that kids see right through the BS - so, I don't believe you're in any danger of being replaced by your children. Kid need and crave structure and consistency. Keep being their rock.

Again, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this right now on top of everything else. Hang in there. xoxoxo