Well, detaching is much easier now. About a week ago, out of nowhere, I just became disgusted with my wife! I think about her with the OM and it makes me sick. Not angry, not bitter, just grossed out. I can no longer look at her in the eyes and even though I am able to sleep in the same bed as her if I wanted, i no longer want to. Ive just been taking turns sleeping with one of the kids. So, detaching myself from her all of a sudden got super easy because I no longer want anything to do with her. However, now I am the one being selfish because I have no intentions of divorcing. I'm basically just living rent free and getting my kids 100% of the time. If she files than I'll be perfectly fine with it but until then I'm fine with my current situation. Granted its only been a week and I've flip flopped before when I didnt think I could but this is the first time I've felt this way. At this point, even if she came back to me, I dont think any amount of counseling could save the marriage. My question for the board... is it wrong for me to continue on like this? We aren't fighting or anything, just normal every day chit chat. We attend parent/teacher meetings together and stuff like that. She does have a lot of built up anger towards me and it doesn't take much for her to snap at me for the tiniest little thing but I just laugh it off and carry on. It's hard to tell what the kids notice and that is my concern about continuing on like this for very long. I find it hard to believe she won't file soon but until then I'm enjoying my cake just as much as she is.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
Ive just been taking turns sleeping with one of the kids. So, detaching myself from her all of a sudden got super easy because I no longer want anything to do with her.
Is that right? So a few weeks ago you were this:
"I instantly turned in to Super Husband! I talked with my work and was given weekends off to spend with my family, I finished all of the unfinished projects around the house, I cleaned everything, was over attentive to her which she pulled away from. She told me that she needed me to be like that 2 years ago and that she needs space. I was a roller coaster for the next 3-4 weeks which made things worse. I wrote her heart felt letters and pleaded for forgiveness one day and then the next day would be upset and a mess."
And now you could care less and want nothing to do with her. DO NOT TRUST YOUR FEELINGS RIGHT NOW. You are all over the place, and you will be for quite some time. Don't say or do anything rash, just keep your mouth shut, give your W time and space and work on yourself. You've just barely started your journey. You're running a marathon and you've only taken the first 2 or 3 steps. Try to model consistent behavior, bouncing around from one extreme to another is sending all the wrong signals to everyone involved including your kids. And by the way, sleep in the MBR. Why are you sleeping with the kids. Keep some control over your life!
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I'm basically just living rent free and getting my kids 100% of the time. If she files than I'll be perfectly fine with it but until then I'm fine with my current situation. Granted its only been a week and I've flip flopped before when I didnt think I could but this is the first time I've felt this way.
A week isn't nearly enough time for you to know anything about how you feel. A lot of people have a similar "moment" where very early in their sitch they think they've got it all under control and they are fine, but it's rarely the case. Your emotions are going to range a lot, just try to be prepared for it.
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At this point, even if she came back to me, I dont think any amount of counseling could save the marriage.
Frankly I think you are fooling yourself into thinking you are OK with your M being over.
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She does have a lot of built up anger towards me and it doesn't take much for her to snap at me for the tiniest little thing but I just laugh it off and carry on.
If you really are laughing that off then I think that's a 180 you need to work on. Laughing at an angry outburst from someone else is usually just a technique to escalate the fight.
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It's hard to tell what the kids notice and that is my concern about continuing on like this for very long.
Well the kids want their parents together, so if you are concerned about them, S or D are definitely not "better" options in their eyes.
At this point, even if she came back to me, I dont think any amount of counseling could save the marriage.
Based on what? Your feelings......her feelings.....the betrayal......What?
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My question for the board... is it wrong for me to continue on like this? We
Wrong based on DBing? You just said you didn't think any amount of counseling could save the M. So, how do you mean "wrong"?
Your ability to laugh it off when she's angry, and how you seemingly are handling things pretty well.....considering......may be temporary, unless you really have been able to drop the rope.
Btw, I wanted to make a comment regarding you showing her your texts from OM's W. Just remember, you don't have to prove that your word is good.....unless you have been a liar. You don't have to prove your fidelity......unless you have been unfaithful. You do not have to prove you are trustworthy.....unless you have abused someone's trust.
I don't have a lot to add right now, so I'll tell you what I would say to any man in any position. As you go forward, remember to be a man of strength, moral courage, honor and integrity. Whenever your emotions get in the way of thinking clearly and you aren't sure what is right or wrong...go back to your core values and remember what you believe in and stand for.....and be the kind of man you want your son to be one day, and the kind you want your daughter to marry. These should be the things that help to guide you, when you are confused and not sure which way to turn. It's not always easy to do, but it is always worth it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Everyone is right, it is much to early for me to feel this safe. I have continued to be detached and it is still much easier than it was just a few weeks ago. One thing that has helped in all of this is I was constantly checking phone records to see who/when she was texting. Once I let go of that, things got much easier. I'm sure if I started logging in and checking that again I'd be right back to my pitiful self. Anyway, the detachment really seems to have helped things at home quite a bit. My wife and I have been working with the kids as a team lately instead of in shifts. We help them with their homework together and get them ready for school together. The kids really enjoy it. My wife seems much happier these last few days but that could be for any reason but since I no longer pry in to her life, I dont really care...its just nice to have her happy while she's around the house. Well, thanks again for all the advice and will continue to update. She'll be home from work any minute now so I'm off to my boxing class
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
I asked my wife last night if she was ready to file because the home in just exhausting the way it is. She pretty much said yes. We had a small argument and agreed to talk about it in the morning (her tylenol PM had kicked in). I went to a friends house because I wasn't going to be able to sleep at home. Came back in the morning and we had a lengthy talk. I told her that if she has no interest in repairing the relationship and trying to get help with the anger that she has towards me than she may as well file and we can both start moving on. The convo went on for a while but that was the jest of it. It ended well actually, tears from both sides, a strong hug and she said she has a lot to think about. She got ready for work, popped her head in my office and told me to have a good day (SHE HASNT SAID THAT IN MONTHS). I just got a text from her good friend asking me what happened last night because my wife just told her that she is going to get counseling because she is not being fair to our relationship!!!! I am floor'd! I know, its her last effort to really see if the relationship can be saved but Im just glad that she's actually going to try. Now I hope she gets a good counselor
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
