Coly, you know how they give people who are deathly allergic to peanut butter microdoses to condition their bodies to handle it as they continually increase the dosage?
I think the pain from this experience is dealt with in the same way. We get these doses of pain and images and we have to learn to harden ourselves to them. In time, seeing the same photo again or hearing another upsetting thing doesn't have the same effect. The new piece sure, that will take us down again, but in time there will be no more new.
Sometimes I force myself to feel the pain of seeing him in person with someone for the first time, having him show up with her at some event for my children, getting the divorce papers in the mail, hearing he's getting remarried and she is taking his last name (which I never did). These things are all speculative now and in the future, but somehow I feel like I'm getting a head start on getting over them so he can't hurt me to the same depth ever again.
My counselor once said instead of focusing on what I missed or was gone, or what would never be, to focus on how unhappy I was in the marriage. You know what? I was really unhappy in the marriage. He never shared anything with me, not feelings, not thoughts, he didn't spontaneously hug me, he never kissed me, he never did anything "just to be nice." If I needed his help with anything I had to ask over and over again and then he treated me like a nag. If I just went ahead and did whatever or had it done, he criticized everything about it. If he was doing anything, I had to be doing something. But he could lay around for hours doing nothing while I worked my butt off. He never helped with the kids. He never showed any interest in what they were doing. He sat in the car during their events, or fell asleep, or listened to his music or read his magazines. If we were in the car, he chose what we would listen to. My point--this guy was a total ahole and there is no reason I should be glamorizing anything about this relationship.
I'm sure your H wasn't as bad (I think I win the chump award for putting up with the shi$$iest behavior for the longest time), but I bet there were things that weren't wine and roses.
I think sometimes you forget you can detach for yourself, and live as if he is never coming back for yourself, and stop looking behind you, but still leave that door slightly ajar in case he ever comes back. You can do it in a way that doesn't keep you trapped in sadness, make you feel like you are walking in quicksand, or make you feel like your heart is in some jar somewhere and you don't know how to find it again.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Coly. My advice is to stay away from toxic friends, which she definitely sounds like. I had to sift through the people who I felt good with and the people who left me feeling terrible. In these tough times, we are very sensitive to things said and that is normal. Stick with the supportive and kind friends.
And for the record, I still stay away from people or situations that may bring on questions or statements that may bring on those waves of sadness. It's just not worth it. Put yourself first.
M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Just thought I would stop by as I'm having a hard time with my feelings at the moment. After no contact since the last text to H in the middle of October I had to let him know that some official looking post had arrived at my house (I think his redirect had run out but also if looks like he hasn't changed his address even at work!). He usually asks when he can come over and so I assumed he would do the same again.
However he came to the house withought telling me and snooped at some paperwork i had lying around with the finances for the new car I bought. He also left chocolates and lottery scratch cards so we could make up our advent calendar.
I know it's no big deal but the advent calendar is a tradition we started with H and this year D and I decided, as H is no longer with us, that we would go ahead and organise our own advent calendar without the scratch cards as D always hated the days she only got a scratch card and no chocolate! I know I should be grateful but he didn't ask us what we were doing he just assumed we would continue the tradition.
Also on that day I had to drop D back home at lunchtime as she had no lessons at college and that is when she found the scratch cards and chocolate. He then returned to the house to leave her another shop bought advent calendar and it really spooked her because she didn't know who was letting themselves into the house. She says he just came in and sat down like nothing had happened and started asking her about whether I was getting a new car etc.
Later on he did text me to met me know he had dropped the gifts off and after I thought about it long and hard I texted him and said that I appreciated the thought but that we couldn't accept the advent gifts and asked him to pick them up. I also asked if he could give me at lease 24 hours notice fore coming to the house. He did get a bit narky and said fine and asked me to leave them outside for him to collect. At that point I got a little fed up of him thinking we have to be grateful for every little crumb he throws at us and I texted him and said that did he realise how much he upset us by just assuming. We just get to the stage where we are getting on with our lives and then he comes back and drags us back down again. He texted back and apologised. He said he was trying to be nice and didn't really consider our feelings. I told him that he needs to let go. He hasn't responded.
I don't think I am bothered about saving this marriage anymore. He has admitted that he does not consider our feelings and just does what he thinks will ease his guilt and conscience. He assumed that I was happy for him to go in and out of the house whenever he wanted and that we would be jumping with joy with the gifts he left. I don't want him to be nice. I don't want anything from him anymore. We are moving along nicely and he thinks we are in the same place where he left us. I know I haven't shown him anything different but I hope he now realises this.
After all D and I are not just for Christmas ......
Happy weekend everyone!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
WOW! Coly, I'm proud of you. He really didn't consider your feelings or your daughter's at all. He's been gone quite a while and to just assume that he can wander in and out whether you are there or not isn't good, especially if he was also snooping. He doesn't have the right to be snooping and your home is your safe place, just as his place is his.
I think you handled the conversation very well...now try to stick to the detachment and as you told him to let go, so should you. It's okay to let go in a kind way, but now you and your daughter need to live your lives for yourselves and not worry about him, as he surely isn't too concern about what you two are doing until the notion strikes him.
Bravo! I'm proud of you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
AP, I was prepared for him to slowly start making contact around this time and I know that I was not going to let it happen the way it did last Christmas. I can see I helped to inflate his ego, knowing that i would have done anything to see him at that time of the year even though he had just ripped our family apart. Not this year. I know he has enough enabling friends to accommodate him so I am not too concerned. .
Job, thank you for your encouragement. You are right though, I now need to put my money where my mouth is! I do feel so much stronger now and I know that I am ready to let go of the hope that H will come back. I can now see his subtle controlling ways and how he treats me with contempt most of the time but expects gratitude if he does something he considers 'nice'. I do not deserve this. I deserve someone who will love and cherish me and D not someone who just uses us for his own means to an end.
For me he has lost his charm and I now just see a very selfish, self obsessed 46 year old man who is happy to just live in the shadow of other people's families than nurture his own. D said that when she saw him the other day he looked ugly! She said he has put on a lot of weight and his hair has not been cut for some time. He is also wearing glasses that do not suit him at all, which I also saw when we had coffee and agree. If we were still together myself and D would have advised him against getting them but he has no fashion advisors now!
I believe that sometimes the ugliness that grows inside a person can manifest itself on the outside too.
Journaling - H's BF's wife asked me and D out to the cinema yesterday with her kids and we went because when the kids are with us she does not mention H at all which is good. We had a nice time and she saw my new car so I am sure the jungle drums will start banging and H will know by now. She also mentioned how 'trendy' I was looking with my new coat so she can see that I have not let myself go like H has. I am proud that I have not let myself go down that slippery slope!
Thank you all for your encouragement. I appreciate it so much...
Happy Sunday! Xx
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I am so happy to read your last post. I know our feelings are so up and down, but we have to keep on building on as many of the up days we have. You certainly sound like you are doing just that! I hope you and D continue have good days. At this point, it's really only about how we bounce back from the bad ones, because those are going to happen.
Again, great job!
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
LA, I definitely feel like I bounce back a bit quicker these days but I also allow myself to have my down days and don’t beat myself up anymore that I’m stuck. I was also sad to see on your thread that your H had you served at work. I really think the mixture of guilt and cowardice means they have to hide behind the system. We don’t have that culture where I live but I dread the day that envelops drops on my door mat. Big hugs (((LA))).
Thanks Bttrfly! Me and D realise that we don’t need him to have a nice Christmas! As long as we have each other and the people who love and care about us we will be fine!
I came on here because I just happen to read both mine and H’s horoscope for the coming week and thought H’s was very interesting! I do look at my daily horoscope but I don’t live by it, I just think it’s interesting...
“Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Your feelings are changing. Thanks to Mars moving out of your sign, you are moving from a time of anxiety to one of security. Where you used to fret about a key relationship, soon you will find yourself shaking off doubts and allowing yourself to trust that person. In times gone by you moved towards your fears until some of them inevitably came true; a cycle of negativity. Now you must decide to walk away from the dark times, let retrograde Mercury give you time for reflection, and allow yourself hope - because you have much to be optimistic about”
I know even if it is accurate it could mean someone else other than me but I just thought it was interesting...
Hope everyone is okay. Happy Sunday! Xx
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
