Not sure what I have

[Guzzard]

Been a mostly good day today keeping thoughts of M and D out of my mind. Email from W today a little odd but not analyzing it... talks about us having dinner soon and see you soon...though we talked about no such things. Reality is the intent of the email is that she wants some things and is just using that as a reason to make those things happen on her timetable (meaning soon, I guess, haha).

[Cristy]

My therapist tells me even though I don't want D that I will need to push W along. It's frustrating, she is an intelligent woman who is able to do things for herself but with the D, I have had to push for simple tasks.

Friends tell me that is because it's a responsibility and she isn't interested in and doesn't care about responsibilities right now. She only cares about herself and things that make her feel good right now.

Hello Guzzard,

Wait a minute. Your therapist is telling you to push D and W along even though you do not want D? Your friends are saying the same?

I would hold off on pushing the D through at this point.

There are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with her, so that you are most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away, especially considering the mental health issues.

Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Guzzard]

Wait a minute. Your therapist is telling you to push D and W along even though you do not want D? Your friends are saying the same?

Yes, they are telling me to keep moving forward and protect myself.

I think I need to spend some time reflecting on what it is I actually want though, I am still wounded so I haven't been totally trusting of my judgement.

At times I want to keep trying for the W and for the M. At other times I am done already. At least that's how I feel right now and it changes frequently still.

I know I have a personal time limit, but I don't know what my limit is yet. I also know I do not accept being a 2nd choice or fallback either. But both of those statements exclude the mental health scenario. This too changes day to day, but in my sitch right now, I feel that if there were not a mental health questions here that I would not be posting here right now.

Take the mental health out of the equation and my position is that I would still be hurt, but you don't need to tell me more a few times that you don't want to be in our M, so I'm done.

It's the mental health aspect that has me bound.

[Cristy]

Wait a minute. Your therapist is telling you to push D and W along even though you do not want D? Your friends are saying the same?

Yes, they are telling me to keep moving forward and protect myself.

I think I need to spend some time reflecting on what it is I actually want though, I am still wounded so I haven't been totally trusting of my judgement.

At times I want to keep trying for the W and for the M. At other times I am done already. At least that's how I feel right now and it changes frequently still.

I know I have a personal time limit, but I don't know what my limit is yet. I also know I do not accept being a 2nd choice or fallback either. But both of those statements exclude the mental health scenario. This too changes day to day, but in my sitch right now, I feel that if there were not a mental health questions here that I would not be posting here right now.

Take the mental health out of the equation and my position is that I would still be hurt, but you don't need to tell me more a few times that you don't want to be in our M, so I'm done.

It's the mental health aspect that has me bound.

Hello Guzzard,

Sure, leaving might seem easier, but it isn't. Leaving just creates a different set of issues. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals.

Cristy

[Guzzard]

Forgot to mention in the email W traded earlier today that prior to this she was practicing the wait two days before responding method. For some reason with the odd email she responded in an hour. likely desperate to get what she wants from me.

[Guzzard]

Traded another email and I can see W is focused on getting something she wants. I reviewed some of the older ones and now the manipulation is much more transparent to me.

Emails with progressive questions that lead to asking for something she wants and giving me little time to answer.

Dropping breadcrumbs of how she is doing and friendly talk with something she wants in the middle.

Playing dumb on something I want so I have to ask more than once and turning it around so it seems like she is doing something for me so I should do something for her.

Now the dangling carrots of let's get together soon... oh and we can do what she wants at the same time of course.

Make me wonder a lot. How much manipulation was actually ongoing in the M when I thought we were honest. How much is aware and intentional manipulation. How much is related to episodes vs just who she is when stable too. Has this just been her natural state all along.

[KGuy]

I think you are reading into what she is thinking too much even if there may be clear motives there. Aren't you in NC mode?

What does she want that she is being evasive on?

[Guzzard]

I am in NC, she initiated the emails over time and I delayed response and just responded on point items. I've ignored her statements or questions on what she wants.

What W is after is specific so let's just say it is money since that seems common.

So the latest one was the ... "lets get together ... and soon" followed by "friendly stuff" and "question about me" then ended with "oh, then you can also give me money"

Each of the other emails were the same, just different tactics...."oh, I forgot I need to give you garage remote, I'll leave it on your porch" and then "friendly stufF" ended with "then you can give me money"

[Guzzard]

Nothing new really. Still trying to figure out what it is I actually want.

One day I feel in great shape and moving on.

The next day I still long for the W and the M. This would be an extra tough path tough. Not only are there R issues to deal with but also mental health....and hobby/EA is continuing to feed and stroke W ego right now as well as her best friend providing terrible advice (IMO)... she has always been such a M bitter women due to her own divorce years ago. I always felt she'd be an obstacle in ours.

I know I am not detached still.

Doing GAL, I am not initiating any contact and responding to the point, trying to stay focused on doing things for me though cleaning up some messes W left behind stirs memories.

[Guzzard]

Nothing new, just another day. Still working on getting fully detached, there's always that last thread holding me back. I drop it sometimes but pick it back up.

GAL tonight and over the weekend.

No emails coming in from W so no contact and nothing that I have to reply to. W still dragging feet on D docs and I'm not doing anything either.

Reading books, focusing on myself.