Hi Thornton, glad to hear you had a good trip and have been out and about on your bike etc. I would love to see you extend a little further into more social GAL - but then I always come back to that one...
Reading Shawn Achor - the Happiness Advantage - our social network, that little group of people who care about us and with whom we share and have companionship, and laugh and cry...matter so much.
Many of us rely on our partner to meet those social needs for us - but really it is something we need to do for ourselves and if at times like these we feel our life without our partner is limited - it's time to build it up again.
I can see it must be difficult receiving messages like that from your exGF. For me, reading it, it sounds a little like an Internet romance - where you don't want to let go of the 'fantasy' of someone - but possibly the reality of being with them and there for them isn't what you want either.
Why would you choose to end your R (breaking up for a 3rd time) move 1000 miles away and then text your partner telling them you miss them etc. What is it you are doing and hoping for? Because you already just made that decision didn't you??
Yes, she may have some regrets and life post move may feel different and harder than anticipated. And I think her messages may be the product of some of that. But has there been growth? Because growth is what is needed to avoid cycling around that same loop again....either yours or hers or both..and I feel it is early days and you are best to minimise any focus on her and focus on you, on building your own life, and taking the advice of your IC and moving forward alone - time will tell how things may unfold...
Good luck with everything :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'll admit, the recent interactions with W have gotten me spun up a little bit. My mom also told me that W keeps contacting her and expressing her pain and love for me
I'll admit, the recent interactions with W have gotten me spun up a little bit. My mom also told me that W keeps contacting her and expressing her pain and love for me.
She knows it will get back to you, because it is your mother. It's under the auspices of confiding in someone she's close to, but W is no dummy. This is strategic. She's got your mother pulled into the game.
W is working very hard on multiple fronts to keep you on the hook so she can avoid feeling emptiness and uncertainty. That's what's happening here. Whether this will progress into something resembling less game playing, we have yet to see.
She wants her family back and said that as she got closer to the move out date to move to another state, she started questioning herself but did not know how to stop the run away train she created.
She is in therapy and learned some things about herself and how they all tie in to her codependant relationship with her mother.
She told me if it was up to her she would be back in Colorado with me but her daughter made her promise no more moving (I dont know if I believe this).
She then told me if I was to relo to where she was, we could start rebuilding our relationship.
The fact of the matter is, nothing has changed. We would end up right where we are right now.
I responded very neutral to all these texts and did not take the bait. But I'm very confused how this is all playing out.
Two months ago, I was "abusive" according to her. She ripped in to me several times without provacation. And now she loves me? Is still in love with me? Will regret her decision to leave forever?
"The fact of the matter is, nothing has changed. We would end up right where we are right now."
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
T--I have wicked smart kids and neither of them at age 8 would have made that kind of statement to me and we moved many times. Just more cake eating. She is recognizing that she is codependent with mom but doesn't want to move away? She knew then it was a runaway train that she couldn't stop but now a few weeks later she can express all that? I hope she sticks with her therapy and really digs into why she does this stuff, including trying to get you back immediately instead of waiting some proscribed time period to make sure her changes have "stuck" and giving you time to heal before drawing you back into her mess.
She's working hard to get you on the back burner where she wants you.
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did not know how to stop the run away train she created.
Easy, you stop it. She's an adult, not a little girl.
At least she's taking responsibility for creating it, though. I don't see any recognition about calling you abusive or how that wasn't fair to you at all...
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She told me if it was up to her she would be back in Colorado with me but her daughter made her promise no more moving (I dont know if I believe this).
Don't. No kid says that, and if they do it's because they're frustrated about the fallout from moving. Any adult who lets a kid determine real estate decisions is not a great parent.
With that said, stability is good for kids, obviously. Parents recognize that and don't flee to a different state for no good reason...
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She then told me if I was to relo to where she was, we could start rebuilding our relationship.
Oh boy! What an offer. She really thinks you think very poorly of yourself, huh?
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The fact of the matter is, nothing has changed. We would end up right where we are right now.
I'm glad you recognize that. What she is doing here isn't fair to you. She wants you on the hook, following her around, so she could have you IF she wants you. If.
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I responded very neutral to all these texts and did not take the bait. But I'm very confused how this is all playing out.
Nothing confusing here, T. It's the same old. She's treating you like you're an object, not a person. This isn't okay.
I like that you responded neutrally, but I think the next step in your GAL away from her is to start not responding to all of her texts. Drop the rope and don't let her think what she's saying is so important that you'll respond to everything. That action is betraying any words that you type. You're not together anymore, she called you abusive and moved away from you (oh, sorry, she "couldn't stop it") and now she's working hard to get what she wants from you. It's still all about her, T.
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Two months ago, I was "abusive" according to her. She ripped in to me several times without provacation. And now she loves me? Is still in love with me? Will regret her decision to leave forever?
T, what would a man without a rescue complex do? Would he be thrilled to be getting these emotive texts from someone who treated him that way? Would he be responding to them? Personally, I don't think he would. He'd want more from himself, and her campaign to get you to say that you'll be at her beck and call by using every emotional hook (without commitment, of course!) would be making him angry, not softening him up.
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I dont get it.
Yes, you do. She wants you. Except when she can have you. That needs to change, and that requires some deep counseling work on her part.
Interesting that she's codependent with her mom, T. So is H. And with his nasty ex, who I believe he sees as his second mother. There is a part very deep inside himself that desperately needs to keep them happy with him, and so when ex pushed and harassed and pushed some more, he caved.
I truly think that until people work out enmeshment with their parents (or parent-figures), they can't truly be in a healthy relationship. They might be able to recreate the dysfunction with someone, and stay in that for a long time. But when they're with stable partners, they look for reasons to run, because all the negative feelings can start resurfacing due to the emotional safety of the relationship.
That last paragraph is just my opinion, but I think that's what happened to me. Just something to think about, since I don't know if it applies in your case. If it does, W is going to have to realize that on her own and be willing to do some very emotionally taxing work before it would ever be safe for you to be with her.
I guess I struggle with the fantasy I have in my head about W.
I think back to all the times she was there for me. All the times she made me feel loved. Was all of that a facade? Fake?
Clearly W has issues. Does that mean what we had wasn't genuine?
Like I said in an earlier post, I'm trying to view W from a more honest lens. But it hurts to see her this way because it makes me feel like maybe the last 7 years were all fake.
Maybe I'm just an optimist and I try to see the good in people. More likely, I'm codependant and I tried to help fix W into becoming someone she's not?
I dunno, all of this time apart really has given me the opportunity to think about things and see them from different perspectives.
Dont get me wrong, I miss W. I really miss her. And I really miss her D and spending time with her. But the truth is something is broken and there's nothing I can do to fix it except work on myself and leave her to work on her stuff.
It just seems like so many of these issues could be easily resolved. But alas, I wouldn't be here if they were.
Thornton, I can understand her indecision and confusion, I think. Do you want her in your life? Do you have a relationship with D? (I think it might be nice to maintain that R. She's not the one you have issues with; it's W.)
I believe she's doing the best she can. Is it enough for you?
No, it wasn't fake at all. It's an imperfect human trying to maintain a R when she has issues she needs to work out.
And yeah, i agree with what others have said. D doesn't get to determine where they live. She's a little kid. Stability is great. But hey, a summer in wherever they moved to and then back to CO isn't out of the question, right?
I'm so sorry you're still in this mess.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
