180man Thread 4

[OwnIt]

Just take it slowly, very slowly. No one wants to see you get hurt again.

[Ginger1]

I agree, take it slowly.

I just happen to look at these relationships that come during the divorce from the shoes of the other person. A lot of people say "I'm just having fun, or seeing that happens, or "it's ok if I'm happy, even just for a little while"

I have been on the receiving end of more than one of those relationships. Words would tell me one thing, actions would tell me another, and I never knew where I stood. None ended good and I got hurt.

Just be careful with her, as well as yourself.

[180Man]

Hey everyone,

Yeah, I don't want to see me get hurt again, either. Nor do I want to hurt anyone -- that's the last thing I want!

Went to a baseball game with JAG and some of the other officers we work with. After the game she and I went and sat in a bar/restaurant and talked for like an hour. I wish I had taken it a little bit easier on the alcohol that night, but I think...well, I'm pretty sure I was able to hold intelligent conversation, hopefully I didn't make a complete ass of myself (although I found like $13 in my wallet the next morning and now I'm questioning if I forgot to leave a tip...JAG handed me money, which I remember asking her if it was for the tip...uhhh...yeah I don't know, let's just skip over this part...). Anyhow, I had a really nice time and she gave me a hug before she left. Good news is that she seems to be way better at GAL than I am and it seems like her schedule is really busy. Or she's way better at dating than I am and is slow rolling me on purpose. Maybe a little bit of both. I am all for slow. Really. But on the other hand, I thought I left the life of ambiguity behind me when I finally accepted that my W was never coming home. So, I don't know what it is that's going on between us, but whatever it is, nobody is rushing that's for sure.

After she left, one of the other officers texted me to meet him at another bar a block away. Yeah, I should have gone home. Nope, I'm an idiot. I get there and he's got me doing tequila shots with these random girls. What a miserable mistake. I was going to do some drywall and painting yesterday, but nope...I had to spend the day recovering from my poor choices. And then he texted me yesterday afternoon and was like "hey, where are we drinking tonight?!" Dude. No. I'm cured from alcohol for at least a couple weeks. Speaking of which, I have been doing really well with one of my goals to only drink once a week. I don't need the empty calories and I'm done numbing the pain. I'd rather experience life running on all cylinders, you know?

Going surfing today, then to a dinner party afterwards. Things I might normally not do. Been trying to find a hospital where I could volunteer with my dog but I'm not having much luck. She's such a sweetheart and really good with kids, I feel selfish keeping her all to myself. The local children's hospital already has 40 dogs in their program and isn't accepting any more. Lame. Not sure if the military hospital has a program like this, but I'm guessing probably not. Guess I should probably call and ask anyways, but knowing the military it's going to be an uphill battle just trying to find out.

Finished writing my song the other night. I got back from a therapy session and felt really good. I sat down and started from scratch, put aside all the stuff I had attempted to write in the weeks and months prior...and it all came out at once. That rarely happens, usually I have to work on a song for days or weeks, if not more. I had trouble writing it previously because my emotions were in a weird spot. When I wrote on here months ago about the GAL activities I wanted to plan for myself, my intent was to write a love song of some sort about my W. But then somewhere in there I turned a corner and realized she wasn't coming home, that it really was over. And I didn't know what to write about or how to feel about it then. So I kind of just messed around with some lyrics and chords but never got anywhere with it. Then this JAG thing kind of started to happen and I still didn't know what to write! Haha. My thoughts over the years have been pretty consistent....since writing takes a significant amount of work, I try not to allow myself to write about trivial people in my life -- people who aren't going to be around for the long term, you know? And I didn't (actually, still don't) know how this will go with her. Maybe that sounds silly. Anyways, I got home and I just sat down and decided to write about how I'm feeling right now. Today. It came out really good, I think. It talks about where I was, how I was feeling about my W, how we tried to fix it but she gave up...and then talks about meeting someone new. It's simple. Going to try and record it with some of my buddies soon, maybe I'll post a link (if they let me!) one of these days. In any case, it's very therapeutic for me. Not all of my songs are great, but I can look back at old ones from a decade ago and see exactly how I was feeling at that moment, who I was with, what was going on, etc.

Hmm, in other news, I exchanged numbers with my hair stylist Friday because she is going to move to a different shop. She gives a good haircut and we talk about our divorces, so we've become buddies to a point. She has kids in her situation and her ex is abusive. Actually, he gave her a black eye earlier in the week, I was shocked. Anyhow, she's cool but I'm kind of worried she is wanting there to be something more between us. I'm really not comfortable with that. Not sure what to do about it, hopefully we can just keep our friendly relationship where it is.

Okay, time for surfing. Hope I don't eat it too badly! Hope everyone is doing well! Hang in there.

[Jim1234]

Glad to hear you're doing well. Hearing how well you're doing gives me hope.

Don't rush, slow is smooth. Don't sweat the alcohol, just don't overdo it often, and take a taxi home. the drywall will be there tomorrow.

As far as your hairstylist, I've told a number of people that I've realized I'm just not ready to date, and the honesty seems to be really appreciated.

[25yearsmlc]

If the military hospital has no program, ask to start one. Don't sell us short, but what would make more sense to me is the Veteran's Hospital and or, a children's hospital.

You are already thinking out things with the JAG that make me smile in some ways (not snarky!) but shaking my head in others.

This is likely to be the only time in the rest of your life to be single & learn from it.

6-8 months and you are just stopping the obsessing part, (mostly) and this is the grit part, the "work of awareness" phase...

but yes, it'd be way way easier to roll over into a new partnership and avoid all that...introspective aloneness

But man, it's just not the cure for what ails you. It's a bandaid and imo, the bandaids don't last or work well, over time. Like how conflicts avoided are really just conflicts delayed, which rarely vanish,

but fester & metastasize

PS
Plus, you are thinking out the "Not so bad" dimensions to being married to another officer (don't you meet civilians or reservists anywhere??) This means that in your head, you have already gone there...and presumed that she'll never want to stay at home with the kids, which she cannot do in the military...

FWIW, the way you think you have the military life of 2 married officers figured out is not realistic. Given your present situation that surprises me. As if you are refusing to control the few factors you CAN control and repeating behaviors.

I was a JAG married to an Army MD. In our time (PRE 9-11)- we were MOST surprised that Iraq invading Kuwait would turn our lives upside down (with 2 small kids)

oh and then there was 9-11 (and man, we did not see that coming)

SO there were 2 Gulf Wars, and A LOT of time apart in addition.

You seem to have projected who will have a deployment and when, as if there's no possible change of plan and the military always has a contingency clause, like no other career...

Being forced to draft a family care plan for who would get our kids for mutual deployments was a weird experience ( I only joined the Army to be with h).

Stop loss meant I could NOT quit my job & I could be ordered to war...very strange experience. I had a 5 y/o and a 2 y/o then.


BTW, In my recall, I literally never saw 2 military officers with children, both able to remain active duty (let alone stay married.)

If you have seen any married field grade officers with kids, I'd be interested in knowing.


Let's say you two date...My guess is it's going to be a painful drag for one or both of you - when the r ends

OR the r won't end and you will m,

and that means you will have married the first person you date after a divorce. Gee, nothing reactive about that...

What do you think of these^^^ options?
Dating in general

We all took some body blows to our egos. I get it. I very miss being part of a couple, as I spent 2/3 of my life married, and 35 years of m plus 2 years dating...

I almost force myself to Stop looking at what I lack and instead to embrace what life has thrown my way. I DO see some advantages to the growth I'm being forced into.

Then again, what healthy choice is there?

It's not like your divorce is going to drag on for years, so what's with the rush? Yeah, in my timeline, well, I was DBing for 2 years so, your timeline seems very condensed to me - just food for thought. AND I'm older than you. I look younger but I know what my age is, and a part of me feels the clock is ticking. But I kind of think that if h had died and I had finished grieving (at the moment I think that would take 9 - 10 days...

I know I would not rush into remarriage. So why do I feel more "concerned" about not dating now?

A wounded EGO, my friend, a very wounded "reject pile EGO..." Which doesn't feel like a great reason to date at the moment.

In time I know that will change. Just not yet. I'm terrified of making another mistake or committing too early. Don't you?

If the JAG knows this R can go nowhere, at least that'd be realistic and fair to her.

If you want more than that, you're rushing yourself b/c you feel incomplete and unable to self soothe, (hence the booze, perhaps?)
Plus if you are in a state that allows adultery as grounds for divorce, you'd legally just as culpable as your w. Crazy eh?

But then, you could both say your needs were not met and you both had felt hurt and rejected, and so it goes...

Just so I don't sound like your mother, if not for the seizures I had back last fall,

I'm 90% sure I'd be holing up in my condo with my dog and some good wine, probably binge watching Netflix until I got a job I like (but which somehow allows me to still drink my wine ...)

Gee, almost makes me glad I had the seizures...But not quite

((( )))

[180Man]

Jim, it kind of shocks me to hear you say that -- you've been the one giving me solid advice, not the other way around! I feel as if a lot of people around here have this figured out a lot better than I do, you included.

25, lots of good thought provoking points, as always! Thank you for taking the time to reply yet again

Without getting specific about my profession, though I'm sure you could probably figure it out at this point, I can say with relative certainty that deployments are not in my future based on my current career track. That situation is very specific to my profession in my service. Furthermore, I am applying to programs that would allow me to focus more on my profession and have a side effect of no deployments. I know that sounds vague, but the three programs I'm trying for are (1) Test and Evaluation, (2) A career track that ONLY supports reserve units and doesn't involve deploying, or (3) Lateral Transfer to another service for a very specific program which also doesn't deploy. I know this all sounds very vague, but I'd rather not drop my profession on here if I don't have to.

It's not that I'm against deployments. Hell, I tried to volunteer for additional deployments so that I could gain more experience in my profession. But my service is pretty rigid about what units get to deploy and whatnot, it just wasn't meant to be. And since I am currently doing this desk job which is mostly unrelated to my actual profession, I am willing to apply to any program which will get me back to doing what I love, deploying or not. It just so happens that the programs I can apply for don't involve deploying. It's complicated, I know.

In any case, my mil-mil marriage did not fall apart because we were mil-mil. It did not fall apart because of deployments. We had a plan in place to make things work with a kid and I am more than happy to go reserves where I'd be given the chance to do my actual job. Furthermore, mil-mil co-location is really good now, even between services. It's significantly better than when I commissioned in 09 or when we got married. Just in the last couple of years they have implemented a lot of really good measures to protect mil-mil couples.

That being said, I am not sitting here thinking I want to marry this girl. That is not an objective on my list. I'm not ruling it out if things work out. I'm not going to arbitrarily say "hey, you happen to be the first person I went on a date with post-divorce, so you're not eligible to marry me."

What if my wife came back tomorrow and wanted to start dating? She would also be the "first" person I met post-divorce...does this rule not apply to her as well?

This is completely arbitrary and, to be honest, bullshít. If things work out, they work out. If not, then it is what it is. I'm not sitting here trying to plan out the next two years of my personal life. I'm not even trying to plan the next month. I'm not trying to plan anything beyond "hey...JAG...let's go on a date." That. Is. It.

Now, am I going to waste my time and the time of someone else going on dates with a person who I know I wouldn't even consider something long-term with? No, but that's just me. I've always been like that. My friends say I'm very picky. Well, yeah. That's my choice. I don't want to be with someone who has simply graduated high school. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value education, who doesn't have a career, who doesn't challenge me when I've screwed up...I could go on. But that's just me. So...does JAG pass all these internal filters I have for myself? I think so? At least enough for me to go on a date with her. And that's it...I'm not trying to ask her to marry me any time soon. I'm not nuts.

When it comes to the EGO...and introspection...I would say that while I'm not done with figuring things out and working on ME, nor will I ever be, I would also say that I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle than you. My wife has fibromyalgia. She was sick for a while and, unlike your husband, I was there every step of the way. I even went so far as to line up a reserve job for myself so I could get out of deployments and be home to take care of her. After a long time of being in and out of the hospital, we finally figured out a cocktail of drugs that made her feel like a normal person and one that the military would let her continue using and stay on active duty.

Well...these drugs, lyrica and tramadol...they are not intended for mixing with alcohol. So when my wife's new job became insanely stressful and busy, she started drinking. I didn't think too much of it, I thought it was more of a social thing because she was in a new unit with more officers than her previous unit and they did more social functions. She told me not to worry, that a glass of wine or a beer weren't a big deal. Well, when she cheated, she was wasted. So, I did work through a lot of ego and self-worth issues, I did take on 50% of the blame (and probably more) for what happened, I did self-examine to an insane level of detail what role I had in causing this to happen................................

......but at the end of the day....because my wife cheated, does that mean that I am broken? That I am somehow flawed? Do I have things to work on? Yes. Would I have recognized these things had she not cheated? Some, yes, but probably not all. If anything, because this happened I am less broken than I would have been had she not cheated. I am better than I would have been.

I still have room to grow. I still have things to work on. But I reject the idea that I am BROKEN. I'm not going to live life as the victim. Fùck that.

I'm 32 years old. I'm in the best shape of my life (even better than during OCS). I'm well educated, I'm intelligent, caring, and well-rounded. I love my profession. I DO feel a timer ticking, maybe it sounds stupid because I seem so young, but...I don't want to wake up and be 40 and have no family. Will I survive if that happens? Of course.

So.....can I say things with JAG will go nowhere? I don't know. I am not placing expectations on it one way or another. I do know that I've been alone for a year now (wife's deployment last summer + separation time) and that I'm over it. I'm good, I got the solitary experience down already. I've had a lot of alone time.

I'm ready to take a girl out again, see a movie, hold her hand, go on a hike together, cuddle, rub her back after a long day, watch the sunset at the beach, take a road trip...I'm seriously ready. It's not a substitute. It's not a rebound. It's a...I'm-emotionally-ready-to-let-someone-in-to-my-life-again. But I'm also not finished working on me, and this experience has shown me that I can never stop working on me. Obviously when you get comfortable...that's when shít goes downhill. Never again.

Love you 25, thanks for thinking of me. Hopefully see you next month maybe?

180