180man Thread 4

[180Man]

Hey guys,

Back from vacation, time for thread four. I'll start with background (as abbreviated as I can make it, though there is additional background in threads one, two, and three ), then I'll go over my plans, and finish with concerns/questions. Some of this will just be a recap of previously posted background, but I find it easier to put all in once place. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and help me and anyone else who might be helped by what we write here.

Background
-W and I both military, married 6, together 8, no kids, 1 dog.
-I became depressed about 1 - 1.5 years ago when I was forced to change jobs.
-W tried to help me get my old job back, it didn't work, and she felt I did not appreciate what she did.
-W tried to help me with depression but felt she couldn't get through to me.
-W and I had sex issues: I was just going through the motions and started to only care about my own satisfaction. I also had some OCD type issues.
-When I was transitioning out of my old job to the new one, W was taking on her own new job which was extremely stressful on her. Long hours. Lots of time away from home, especially last summer.
-W got drunk with colleagues out of town and after everyone had left found herself alone with a male friend of hers. She cheated.
-W felt terrible, confused, thought maybe she loved this person. They decided to see each other again to see if it really was love. It wasn't. A fizzled rapidly.
-W told her mother. MIL told her not to tell me yet and to go to counseling.
-Counseling arranged for December for what I thought was previous issues (sex, depression, etc). I found out about A night before.
-I kicked W out. She never moved home, despite open offers from me to do so when she was ready.
-W was extremely remorseful. She sent no-contact letter to OM. AFAIK he has abided by it because she told OM I would tell their boss if he didn't. OM has W and 3 year old which he doesn't want to lose.

Counseling
-Went to counseling fox six weeks starting in December, we just started to get somewhere in the beginning of January when my W came in to our second January session and handed me a letter asking for divorce. More background on the counseling here.
-Up to this point I had been begging, pleading, doing everything wrong outside of counseling.

Post BD (mid-Jan):
-I started divorce busting. Did not talk to her, did not text. We have only exchanged a handful of emails. I've done okay with GAL. I go to the gym 6 days a week, I'm involved in the church. I've been invited to play in the church band. I'm focusing on work as much as I can and recently have been given increased responsibility)
-W resumed texting with OM and later got herself a new phone and number she hasn't told me about (MIL told me). I am still paying to keep her old phone on. She still pays half the mortgage/bills. I recently renewed her license plates and gave her updated insurance papers (did this at end of Meeting #2 below).
-W's step-father had a stroke. I went to help, W did not because of work. When I got back she had cleaned her stuff out of the house. Said she thought it would be easier that way.
-I sent her an email after I got back calling her out for running away and avoiding dealing with our issues. Avoiding talking to me. I took ownership of some of my problems in this email as well.
-W responded two weeks later and said she agreed we should talk.

Coffee Meeting
-I tried to validate her as much as I could but she didn't open up much. She told me I hadn't listened to her over the years. It finally clicked for me, she was right. She asked for mediation.
-Next day she filed for D but did not tell me.
-Several days after coffee I sent her a very sincere email apologizing for not listening to her.
-Week and a half later she responds, tells me she had thought about what I had said very carefully but that at this point we had been through too much to save our marriage and D was the best for both of us.
-Tells me she filed and will serve me via mail. I received these papers about a week later.

Meeting #2
-Best description of what happened in this meeting is in this post. I'm not sure I could do it justice trying to summarize it otherwise.
-25yearsmlc said "Her reaction, given the givens, is probably the best you could have hoped for. There's a lot to build on (but don't point that out.) She has a lot to process."
-I have heard nothing from her since then, nor have I reached out. It has been three weeks.

Plans
I had some time on my vacation this past week to sort out my thoughts and plans, I'm going to write it out on a whiteboard later today, but here's a basic breakdown:

Basic Daily Plan
Mon-Fri: Wake 5AM, Meditate, Gym, Breakfast, Work, Walk Dog, Better Man Time (aka BMT, see below), Dinner, Sleep
Sat: Sleep In, Medidate, Breakfast, Batting Cage, House Projects, Lunch, Dog Beach, Gym, Dinner, Sleep
Sun: Sleep In, Medidate, Breakfast, Church, House Projects, Dinner with Neighbors (we do this every week lately), Sleep

Weekly Goals (things I need to accomplish every week)
1) Continue IC
2) Church On Sundays
3) Bi-Weekly Men's Group on Wednesdays
4) Gym Plan: M: Upper, T: Cardio, W: Yoga, T: Legs, F: Upper, S: Cardio, S: Rest
5) Batting cage once a week
-Dance Lessons
-Spanish Lessons
-Start Yoga once a week
-Work on multi-engine airplane rating

BMT (Basically projects or things I need to fit into my life that will help me improve myself)
+Go on Vacation beginning of May
+Schedule workshop on personal development (25yrsmlc: I'm in the July EE class)
+Start writing a song
-Finish it (I have trouble getting all the tracks recorded sometimes )
-Find active listening workshop
-Research temples and monastaries where I could spend a week or two learning and growing
-Sell my pickup, buy something fun
-Start playing with the church band
-Learn to hunt
-Try deep sea fishing
-Take a cooking class
-Camping trip with my college buddies
+ Find Sex Therapist
+ Schedule Sex Therapist Consultation
-Start Sex Therapy for my own hangups/OCD issues
-Fix Porn Addiction

Lifestyle Changes
+ Better Diet: Chicken & Fish only! My 6 days a week at the gym has been great and even though I don't eat terribly, I could have seen better improvements had I paid more attention to what I ate these past few months. That changes now!
+ Stop reliance on benadryl to sleep! I finally was able to do this during my vacation. I started using it when this all started because I couldn't sleep and even resorted to ambien a couple of times when stuff was rough. Now I'm just using melatonin and I'm okay with that for a while.
-Alcohol Control: Only on Sundays. I'm pretty much there, but I drank two days this past week on my vacation so I won't check it off yet until I actually do it.

House Projects
-Sand/Paint Eaves & Fascia
-Finish clearing out junk in kitchen cabinets
-Clean office
-Finish Boxing up W's stuff
-Patch front walk way
-Paint back bedrooms
-Tile back bedrooms
-Store W's stuff in back bedrooms

Questions/Concerns
1. My L filed my response paperwork with the court last week, right before the 30 day deadline. I told him to let her L initiate any discussion on division of assets. She is out of town for another week, I'm not expecting to hear anything on this in the very near future, but I want to be prepared for it when it comes. How do I handle this? Do I agree to sitting down with her and the lawyers and talking it out? Do I ask that only the lawyers discuss it? I said this previously, but I can't imagine how she could possibly sit in a room with me and actually discuss separating our stuff. I don't think she has it in her to be this cold to my face. I know she still loves and cares for me, so I see this as being extremely difficult for her to do (probably because I'm not sure I can do it myself). In any case, I have little attachment to the stuff, she can have all of it. Really. I just want my wife back, I could care less about the couch.

2. Mother's day. I am considering sending a simple card to MIL and Step-MIL. "Happy Mother's Day, Love 180 & Dog." I still love and care for them, but I don't know what people normally do in this position. Thoughts?

3. W's Birthday and our anniversary. Both at the end of the month. WTF do I do about it??????

4. Contact. Next weekend will make four weeks of no-contact since our last meeting. We've had very limited contact since January anyways, but this is the most recent bit of no-contact. I am torn between continuing no-contact and reaching out to her next weekend and starting a DIFFERENT dialogue than what we've been having. I don't want to talk about the past and our previous problems. Even if she still has feelings for OM, I can't control that. Plus he's leaving her command and moving to the other side of the globe in the coming weeks anyways so she will not be seeing him. I would like to email her something very short such as: "Hey, I just got back from the Carribean, a shark swam right past me and I thought of you while trying not to [censored] my pants! Hope you're doing well! -180" (we make a point to try to scuba dive on most of our vacations and one time in Mexico she really really wanted to go feed the Bull sharks.......I was not a fan of this idea at all!). IF I do this, I am not looking to be emailing her back and forth ten times a day. I am just thinking slow and steady...just start a small dialogue and see if we can grow it at in the coming months. 25yearsmlc...advice????

Thank you all! Have a great Sunday!

[180Man]

Well, shoot...those "+" things were check marks and looked just fine in the preview. Sigh. Sorry for making it harder to read, I'm having too many posting issues today


Edit - hopefully this is all acceptable - Cadet

[25yearsmlc]

Hey guys,

Back from vacation, time for thread four. I'll start with background (as abbreviated as I can make it, though there is additional background in threads one, two, and three ), then I'll go over my plans, and finish with concerns/questions. Some of this will just be a recap of previously posted background, but I find it easier to put all in once place. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and help me and anyone else who might be helped by what we write here.

Background
-W and I both military, married 6, together 8, no kids, 1 dog.
-I became depressed about 1 - 1.5 years ago when I was forced to change jobs.
-W tried to help me get my old job back, it didn't work, and she felt I did not appreciate what she did.
-W tried to help me with depression but felt she couldn't get through to me.
-W and I had sex issues: I was just going through the motions and started to only care about my own satisfaction. I also had some OCD type issues.
-When I was transitioning out of my old job to the new one, W was taking on her own new job which was extremely stressful on her. Long hours. Lots of time away from home, especially last summer.
-W got drunk with colleagues out of town and after everyone had left found herself alone with a male friend of hers. She cheated.
-W felt terrible, confused, thought maybe she loved this person. They decided to see each other again to see if it really was love. It wasn't. A fizzled rapidly.
-W told her mother. MIL told her not to tell me yet and to go to counseling.
-Counseling arranged for December for what I thought was previous issues (sex, depression, etc). I found out about A night before.
-I kicked W out. She never moved home, despite open offers from me to do so when she was ready.

well somehow I overlooked ^^ this. But I do think other spouses who feel betrayed, need to realize that when cornered, or kicked out, often the WAS leaves and does not return.

I'm not sure if you "shamed" her out of the m, but regardless, it's water under the bridge now. (And hey, I don't mean to beat a dead horse. Sorry)

-W was extremely remorseful. She sent no-contact letter to OM. AFAIK he has abided by it because she told OM I would tell their boss if he didn't. OM has W and 3 year old which he doesn't want to lose.

Counseling
-Went to counseling fox six weeks starting in December, we just started to get somewhere in the beginning of January

Well, what do you mean that you guys started to get somewhere? I mean, clearly she did not agree. What do you think you were seeing that she did not see?

when my W came in to our second January session and handed me a letter asking for divorce. More background on the counseling here.
-Up to this point I had been begging, pleading, doing everything wrong outside of counseling.

Post BD (mid-Jan):
-I started divorce busting. Did not talk to her, did not text. We have only exchanged a handful of emails. I've done okay with GAL. I go to the gym 6 days a week, I'm involved in the church. I've been invited to play in the church band. I'm focusing on work as much as I can and recently have been given increased responsibility)
-W resumed texting with OM and later got herself a new phone and number she hasn't told me about (MIL told me). I am still paying to keep her old phone on. She still pays half the mortgage/bills. I recently renewed her license plates and gave her updated insurance papers (did this at end of Meeting #2 below).
-W's step-father had a stroke. I went to help, W did not because of work. When I got back she had cleaned her stuff out of the house. Said she thought it would be easier that way.
-I sent her an email after I got back calling her out for running away and avoiding dealing with our issues. Avoiding talking to me. I took ownership of some of my problems in this email as well.
-W responded two weeks later and said she agreed we should talk.

Coffee Meeting
-I tried to validate her as much as I could but she didn't open up much. She told me I hadn't listened to her over the years. It finally clicked for me, she was right. She asked for mediation.
-Next day she filed for D but did not tell me.
-Several days after coffee I sent her a very sincere email apologizing for not listening to her.
-Week and a half later she responds, tells me she had thought about what I had said very carefully but that at this point we had been through too much to save our marriage and D was the best for both of us.
-Tells me she filed and will serve me via mail. I received these papers about a week later.

Meeting #2
-Best description of what happened in this meeting is in this post. I'm not sure I could do it justice trying to summarize it otherwise.
-25yearsmlc said "Her reaction, given the givens, is probably the best you could have hoped for. There's a lot to build on (but don't point that out.) She has a lot to process."
-I have heard nothing from her since then, nor have I reached out. It has been three weeks.

Plans
I had some time on my vacation this past week to sort out my thoughts and plans, I'm going to write it out on a whiteboard later today, but here's a basic breakdown:

Basic Daily Plan
Mon-Fri: Wake 5AM, Meditate, Gym, Breakfast, Work, Walk Dog, Better Man Time (aka BMT, see below), Dinner, Sleep
Sat: Sleep In, Medidate, Breakfast, Batting Cage, House Projects, Lunch, Dog Beach, Gym, Dinner, Sleep
Sun: Sleep In, Medidate, Breakfast, Church, House Projects, Dinner with Neighbors (we do this every week lately), Sleep

Weekly Goals (things I need to accomplish every week)
+ Continue IC
+ Church On Sundays
+ Bi-Weekly Men's Group on Wednesdays
+ Gym Plan: M: Upper, T: Cardio, W: Yoga, T: Legs, F: Upper, S: Cardio, S: Rest
+ Batting cage once a week
-Dance Lessons
-Spanish Lessons
-Start Yoga once a week
-Work on multi-engine airplane rating

I like a lot of the self care in your plans. I love seeing LBSers GAL too. I did last night, and it was with a friend I've known since 6th grade. (So a High comfort level and he's hilarious and gay).

What a difference in mood I felt. Never fails (so far) to feel better after overcoming gloomy inertia and pushing on out. So you have that with the dancing and probably the Spanish class and the more I hear about Yoga, the more I need to head there. I started meditation too & I have been pleasantly surprised by how much it helps me sleep and reduces anxiety.

BMT (Basically projects or things I need to fit into my life that will help me improve myself)
+ Go on Vacation beginning of May
+ Schedule workshop on personal development (25yrsmlc: I'm in the July EE class)

if all goes well, I'll see you there. You won't be the first DBer to go!


+ Start writing a song
-Finish it (I have trouble getting all the tracks recorded sometimes )

cool creative outlet!

-Find active listening workshop
-Research temples and monastaries where I could spend a week or two learning and growing
-Sell my pickup, buy something fun
-Start playing with the church band
-Learn to hunt
-Try deep sea fishing
-Take a cooking class
-Camping trip with my college buddies



+ Find Sex Therapist
+ Schedule Sex Therapist Consultation
-Start Sex Therapy for my own hangups/OCD issues
-Fix Porn Addiction

may I assume these ^^ issues are all connected?

Lifestyle Changes
+ Better Diet: Chicken & Fish only! My 6 days a week at the gym has been great and even though I don't eat terribly, I could have seen better improvements had I paid more attention to what I ate these past few months. That changes now!


+ Stop reliance on benadryl to sleep!

I finally was able to do this during my vacation. I started using it when this all started because I couldn't sleep and even resorted to ambien a couple of times when shít was rough. Now I'm just using melatonin and I'm okay with that for a while.

do what you need to do. I admit I need ambien more than I care to admit. But it beats staying up all night. My health issue prevents me from playing with sleep anymore. You do what is best for you.

-Alcohol Control: Only on Sundays. I'm pretty much there, but I drank two days this past week on my vacation so I won't check it off yet until I actually do it.

Can you elaborate? I'm asking without judgement. When you do drink, do you drink a lot? Why is this on your list?

House Projects
-Sand/Paint Eaves & Fascia
-Finish clearing out junk in kitchen cabinets
-Clean office

-Finish Boxing up W's stuff

because it's too painful to see, or as a favor to her?

-Patch front walk way
-Paint back bedrooms
-Tile back bedrooms
-Store W's stuff in back bedrooms

Questions/Concerns
1. My L filed my response paperwork with the court last week, right before the 30 day deadline. I told him to let her L initiate any discussion on division of assets. She is out of town for another week, I'm not expecting to hear anything on this in the very near future, but I want to be prepared for it when it comes. How do I handle this?

You protect yourself financially FIRST - b/c you'll regret feeling like a doormat

and b/c laying down for her does not increase her attraction to you.

Obviously being a jerk won't eithe,r and you'll have to live with either choice.

There is another option. Be reasonable & fair. Be careful what you fall on your sword for. But stand up for yourself too.

My other remark is that you let your L do the talking.


Do I agree to sitting down with her and the lawyers and talking it out? Do I ask that only the lawyers discuss it?

tough call. Very individual

I said this previously, but I can't imagine how she could possibly sit in a room with me and actually discuss separating our stuff. I don't think she has it in her to be this cold to my face.

Oh 180...after 35 years of a marriage that I still thought was good (mostly), my h's behavior has stunned me. But your w seems to prefer doing things indirectly, like by letter or with a MC there or by mail...

you might be right. But what is your hope by going in person with her? IF she remains in the room, are you hoping she will say "no, I can't do this. Let's reconcile"??

Tell us what your thoughts are. Are youreally prepared for her agreeing to what her L says?

I know she still loves and cares for me, so I see this as being extremely difficult for her to do (probably because I'm not sure I can do it myself).


ouch Just remember she has had a head start on the detachment process

In any case, I have little attachment to the stuff, she can have all of it. Really. I just want my wife back, I could care less about the couch.

Well, after spending a few thousand dollars on start up expenses like bathroom mats, towels, lamps, silverware, etc. I regret not taking half. I took far less than half under the very misguided belief that it would matter to h. It did not. He gave away our washer and dryer, which were new and which I INSANELY thought he'd need and appreciate. My excuse was that I'd been hospitalized just before the separation. Now I shake my head at myself...where was my head?

I think he felt I "dumped" a move on him. Look around at what matters to you and divide as fairly as possible, or prepare for more costs soon. Plus it'll annoy/hurt the heck out of you to give something up only to learn she gave it away.


2. Mother's day. I am considering sending a simple card to MIL and Step-MIL. "Happy Mother's Day, Love 180 & Dog." I still love and care for them, but I don't know what people normally do in this position. Thoughts?

if you have a relationship with them, send a card. Maybe a note about what they've meant to you over the years but make it authentic. Otherwise keep it simple

3. W's Birthday and our anniversary. Both at the end of the month. WTF do I do about it??????

A lot will depend on how the mediation goes. Anniversary maybe a card that says "it's still worth remembering" and that you wish her well

4. Contact. Next weekend will make four weeks of no-contact since our last meeting. We've had very limited contact since January anyways, but this is the most recent bit of no-contact. I am torn between continuing no-contact and reaching out to her next weekend and starting a DIFFERENT dialogue than what we've been having.

I don't want to talk about the past and our previous problems. Even if she still has feelings for OM, I can't control that. Plus he's leaving her command and moving to the other side of the globe in the coming weeks anyways so she will not be seeing him.


Same OM with a wife and kid? And he's transferring far? How long will you guys will be semi close to each other?



I would like to email her something very short such as: "Hey, I just got back from the Carribean, a shark swam right past me and I thought of you while trying not to [censored] my pants!

DO NOT SAY THIS^^^ (unless it's some hilarious inside joke...)

Hope you're doing well! -180" (we make a point to try to scuba dive on most of our vacations and one time in Mexico she really really wanted to go feed the Bull sharks.......I was not a fan of this idea at all!).

IF I do this, I am not looking to be emailing her back and forth ten times a day. I am just thinking slow and steady...just start a small dialogue and see if we can grow it at in the coming months. 25yearsmlc...advice????

Thank you all! Have a great Sunday!

[Jim1234]

Not that I'm an expert, but I second everything 25yrsmlc said.

My anniversary and wife's birthday are in May, too, and I'm not getting her squat. I'll send a card to my MIL, though.

I have to say, I think your detailed plan for GAL is great. Keep it up!

[Tread]

My W also has a birthday in May. Not sure how to proceed with that one, considering I don't want to appear to be neglecting her. Even though she still wants a BD. And I know what the rules say about gifts. As for mothers day, I may get her the most basic if all cards, since she is the mother of my child. Pretty sure my W will noticed the difference compared to me going all out in previous years.

[180Man]

-I kicked W out. She never moved home, despite open offers from me to do so when she was ready.

well somehow I overlooked ^^ this. But I do think other spouses who feel betrayed, need to realize that when cornered, or kicked out, often the WAS leaves and does not return.

I'm not sure if you "shamed" her out of the m, but regardless, it's water under the bridge now. (And hey, I don't mean to beat a dead horse. Sorry)

I'm not sure either? I found out on a Wednesday night. We went to counseling Thursday and Friday. I left for the weekend and told her she could have the house and the dog but asked that she be gone by the time I got back on Sunday. Later the next week I told her in counseling that she could come home. I brought it up again the following week, told her to come home when she was ready. She never felt ready.

-Went to counseling fox six weeks starting in December, we just started to get somewhere in the beginning of January

Well, what do you mean that you guys started to get somewhere? I mean, clearly she did not agree. What do you think you were seeing that she did not see?

We had talked and emailed around New Years and agreed that we wanted to talk about some of our sex issues with the counselor and agreed to force the counselor to let us have that conversation. We did this in our first session in January and I felt we had finally started to scratch the surface being able to talk about our sex life and issues within it. I thought she did too. But all the while she was trying to see if she still had passion for me and the MC told her to stop taking her temperature, that it takes time, that it's not going to change from one day to the next. But I suspect that seeing me was very difficult...and seeing OM at work was very fun. This last sentence is pure conjecture on my part.

Weekly Goals (things I need to accomplish every week)
+ Continue IC
+ Church On Sundays
+ Bi-Weekly Men's Group on Wednesdays
+ Gym Plan: M: Upper, T: Cardio, W: Yoga, T: Legs, F: Upper, S: Cardio, S: Rest
+ Batting cage once a week
-Dance Lessons
-Spanish Lessons
-Start Yoga once a week
-Work on multi-engine airplane rating

I like a lot of the self care in your plans. I love seeing LBSers GAL too. I did last night, and it was with a friend I've known since 6th grade. (So a High comfort level and he's hilarious and gay).

What a difference in mood I felt. Never fails (so far) to feel better after overcoming gloomy inertia and pushing on out. So you have that with the dancing and probably the Spanish class and the more I hear about Yoga, the more I need to head there. I started meditation too & I have been pleasantly surprised by how much it helps me sleep and reduces anxiety.

I did "hot" yoga with a buddy of mine about six weeks ago and was really surprised by how difficult and awesome it was at the same time. I have been meditating on and off, but I need to force myself to make it a habit!

BMT (Basically projects or things I need to fit into my life that will help me improve myself)
+ Go on Vacation beginning of May
+ Schedule workshop on personal development (25yrsmlc: I'm in the July EE class)

if all goes well, I'll see you there. You won't be the first DBer to go!

Wow, I guess the first beer really is on me!

+ Find Sex Therapist
+ Schedule Sex Therapist Consultation
-Start Sex Therapy for my own hangups/OCD issues
-Fix Porn Addiction

may I assume these ^^ issues are all connected?

Yes, mostly my OCD issues we talked about in my last thread. My consultation is tomorrow afternoon. Depending on how weird it is, I will go forward with it.

+ Stop reliance on benadryl to sleep!

I finally was able to do this during my vacation. I started using it when this all started because I couldn't sleep and even resorted to ambien a couple of times when shít was rough. Now I'm just using melatonin and I'm okay with that for a while.

do what you need to do. I admit I need ambien more than I care to admit. But it beats staying up all night. My health issue prevents me from playing with sleep anymore. You do what is best for you.

Hope I wasn't coming off as judgmental about people who use sleep aides! I'm not willing to sacrifice sleep, which is why I was using them. But every day I feel I am getting just a little more stable...maybe...and I just decided I didn't want to be relying on them anymore.

-Alcohol Control: Only on Sundays. I'm pretty much there, but I drank two days this past week on my vacation so I won't check it off yet until I actually do it.

Can you elaborate? I'm asking without judgement. When you do drink, do you drink a lot? Why is this on your list?

Couple of different reasons, I suppose. I drank a lot in December and January. Not to the point of being unable to function or work, but certainly it was helping me calm down at night and get to sleep. I never walked into work even remotely smelling of alcohol. That being said, I kind of look at it like the sleep aides. I am happy to be social about it and have a beer or two now and then, but it's a lot of extra calories that I don't need, I'm hoping it will help me with my gym goals (see Chicken/Fish diet), and I don't want to live life relying on self-medication. I don't believe I have a problem, but I want to cut back. If I have an addiction problem, it's porn not alcohol. I suppose that's the lesser of the two evils.

because it's too painful to see, or as a favor to her?

Painful to see. I don't want to look at it anymore.

[/b]
You protect yourself financially FIRST - b/c you'll regret feeling like a doormat

and b/c laying down for her does not increase her attraction to you.

Obviously being a jerk won't either and you'll have to live with either choice.

There is another option. Be reasonable & fair. Be careful what you fall on your sword for. But stand up for yourself too.

My other remark is that you let your L do the talking.

Okay. I have no intent of laying down, I really just don't want anything that reminds me of her or our marriage. Period. Now, if we fix things one day, that's another story. But I have no desire to have anything around me that reminds me of the last eight years of my life. My emotions on this have been pretty consistent. I want her to come home and work things out with me more than ever, but it's too painful to hang on to these material things that remind me of US in the mean time. I'm not going to give up my guitars or garage tools or things that are mine, but she can have all the pictures on the wall of us and family. She can have all the furniture we bought together. I have little use for furniture anyways, I am a minimalist at heart...and if we end up having to sell the house I have seriously considered moving into an RV for 6-12 months.

I said this previously, but I can't imagine how she could possibly sit in a room with me and actually discuss separating our stuff. I don't think she has it in her to be this cold to my face.

Oh 180...after 35 years of a marriage that I still thought was good (mostly), my h's behavior has stunned me. But your w seems to prefer doing things indirectly, like by letter or with a MC there or by mail...

you might be right. But what is your hope by going in person with her? IF she remains in the room, are you hoping she will say "no, I can't do this. Let's reconcile"??

Tell us what your thoughts are. Are youreally prepared for her agreeing to what her L says?

I mean, there is always that hope with the LBS, right? I have no particular hopes in regards to what may or may not happen at an assets mediation meeting. In fact, I hope she doesn't follow through and doesn't ask for it! But IF she asks for this type of mediation and IF I decide to go, I will show up well dressed in a suit and let her know as kindly as possible that I don't want much of our stuff at all and that she needs to come get the stuff I've boxed up for her. She doesn't want the house but I'm sure she'll let me know if she wants a cut of it or not. That will pretty much be it. We both make the same amount, it's a pretty straight forward situation.

she can have all of it. Really. I just want my wife back, I could care less about the couch.

Well, after spending a few thousand dollars on start up expenses like bathroom mats, towels, lamps, silverware, etc. I regret not taking half. I took far less than half under the very misguided belief that it would matter to h. It did not. He gave away our washer and dryer, which were new and which I INSANELY thought he'd need and appreciate. My excuse was that I'd been hospitalized just before the separation. Now I shake my head at myself...where was my head?

I think he felt I "dumped" a move on him. Look around at what matters to you and divide as fairly as possible, or prepare for more costs soon. Plus it'll annoy/hurt the heck out of you to give something up only to learn she gave it away.

I hear you, I do. But I am very nostalgic, I always have been. I guess it has helped me write some good songs over the years. When I look at the bar stools in the other room, I think of us, when we got them, how we got them, etc. When I look at the clock on the wall, I remember when she put it up there. I could go on. If I'm supposed to detach...if I'm forced to start fresh with someone else one day, I want none of this weighing me down. I will keep your advice in mind as I put things into boxes.

2. Mother's day.

if you have a relationship with them, send a card. Maybe a note about what they've meant to you over the years but make it authentic. Otherwise keep it simple

Okay, perfect, thank you. I'll do that.

3. W's Birthday and our anniversary. Both at the end of the month. WTF do I do about it??????

A lot will depend on how the mediation goes. Anniversary maybe a card that says "it's still worth remembering" and that you wish her well

Well, I don't know if she will follow through and ask for some type of mediation. But I suppose you're right. The card is not a bad idea, I will think about this and maybe we can post more about it as things get closer. I saw the movie "Collateral Beauty" on the airplane yesterday. I thought it was very good. One of the characters wrote a card to their wife on the day of their divorce which said simply: "If only we could be strangers again." I identify with this sentiment 100%. I wish I could use this line without feeling like a fraud.

4. Contact. Next weekend will make four weeks of no-contact since our last meeting. We've had very limited contact since January anyways, but this is the most recent bit of no-contact. I am torn between continuing no-contact and reaching out to her next weekend and starting a DIFFERENT dialogue than what we've been having.

I don't want to talk about the past and our previous problems. Even if she still has feelings for OM, I can't control that. Plus he's leaving her command and moving to the other side of the globe in the coming weeks anyways so she will not be seeing him.


Same OM with a wife and kid? And he's transferring far? How long will you guys will be semi close to each other?
[quote]
Yes and yes. Literally other side of the globe. I'm not sure if wife and kid are going with him or not. She deploys in early July. Until the deployment she will be here for two weeks and gone for two weeks with her unit...rinse and repeat until they actually deploy.


[quote=25yearsmlc]I would like to email her something very short such as: "Hey, I just got back from the Carribean, a shark swam right past me and I thought of you while trying not to [censored] my pants!

DO NOT SAY THIS^^^ (unless it's some hilarious inside joke...)

Well, yeah it's supposed to be somewhat of an inside joke but I can see how it would be taken the wrong way. I did not intend to refer to her as a shark or anything. Okay, what if I rephrased:

"Hey, I just got back from the Carribean, a shark swam right past me and I thought the time you wanted to feed the Bull Sharks in Mexico. Hope you're doing well. -180"

25mlc...verbology aside, what are your thoughts on sending her a small note next weekend vs continuing no-contact?

[180Man]

Not that I'm an expert, but I second everything 25yrsmlc said.

My anniversary and wife's birthday are in May, too, and I'm not getting her squat. I'll send a card to my MIL, though.

I have to say, I think your detailed plan for GAL is great. Keep it up!

My W also has a birthday in May. Not sure how to proceed with that one, considering I don't want to appear to be neglecting her. Even though she still wants a BD. And I know what the rules say about gifts. As for mothers day, I may get her the most basic if all cards, since she is the mother of my child. Pretty sure my W will noticed the difference compared to me going all out in previous years.

Thanks Jim, thanks Tread. Hope my GAL plan wasn't too hard to read...the + items are things I've done already. I feel good about making some progress.

I know for certain I won't get her any presents, but I may consider a card like 25yrsmlc suggested...depending on how things go over the next few weeks, I guess. Our anniversary is the day before her bday, both are at the end of the month.

Good point on the difference between previous years and present. I hear what you're saying about following the rules, and I agree that gifts would not be a good idea in general. However, we're humans, not a math equation. I feel the desire to slowly reconnect with my W and it's possible that a card may be appropriate. 25 said to someone else on the board recently that perhaps if you open up a little, she will open up a little. I'm really not sure, but I do know that all is not black and white.

[180Man]

Doing well so far with sticking to my lists and goals. IC tomorrow. Sex Therapy Weds. DB Coach appointment Thurs. Going to the gym at 5am instead of the middle of the afternoon really gives me a lot of extra time after work. I'm a little scared of that. Up until now I had been able to use the gym to fill my time after work, but now I'll have to really double down and focus on the things I want to accomplish...or find myself susceptible to sitting here alone feeling sorry for myself. I choose to be productive with my time and not sit here in self-pity. I hope I can do it.

Still looking for feedback on if I should reach out to my wife this weekend after our most recent NC of 4 weeks. Just something short and positive, nothing about the R or the past. I feel like it would be a good idea, but my vision may obfuscated by attachment. 25?

[Cadet]

Still looking for feedback on if I should reach out to my wife this weekend after our most recent NC of 4 weeks. Just something short and positive, nothing about the R or the past. I feel like it would be a good idea, but my vision may obfuscated by attachment. 25?

Why?

What are your expectations?

[180Man]

Still looking for feedback on if I should reach out to my wife this weekend after our most recent NC of 4 weeks. Just something short and positive, nothing about the R or the past. I feel like it would be a good idea, but my vision may obfuscated by attachment. 25?

Why?

What are your expectations?

To start a small, positive dialogue with her -- small talk, to avoid talking about the relationship and the past, and to slowly attempt to reconnect with her. 25 and I discussed this in my last thread and she suggested that during my W's upcoming deployment, perhaps we could start to reconnect via email. Well, that's coming soon, I would like to get a little bit of positive contact back and forth, if possible.

Many others on this board are still living with their spouses or still see them routinely due to kids. We have neither of those things. We are completely disconnected from each other -- I couldn't even text or call her if I wanted to, all we have is email. I'm not convinced that we fit into this cookie cutter mold of what is commonly seen here. For example, I read a lot of other people's situations and see that the WAS will oscillate between kindness toward LBS and then turning around and engaging with the affair. I don't have that. All I have is radio silence.

For the most part, this has been good, it has forced me to look at myself and work on me. But I don't see my wife ever reaching out. She's a runner. She's an emotional avoider. If I don't reach out at some point, I doubt she ever will. So I am thinking it may be appropriate in my situation to eventually reach out and build small bits of goodwill and see if it goes anywhere.

But I am not sure, thus I am looking for feedback based on my particular situation. Maybe I need to crack on DR again...