I wish the only reason I was back because I missed being on this board and receiving all the love and support was very comforting. Unfortunately that's not the only reason I'm back.
SO expressed that he is "unhappy" IOW depressed and doesn't know what else to do about than to move out. At first he tried to say, WE as a couple are unhappy and I quickly said NOooo. I'm happy. It's unfortunate you feel this way, but I am happy. And the truth is I am (or was before he said he wanted to move out). I have worked so hard on maintaining my serenity that I successful had a really nice Fall Season.
My goal was "Keep it Simple." I did it by cutting back on the time I spend on work and enjoying my family. Attending Al Anon mtgs, calling fellow members and journaling/reading literature. I wasn't doing it as often as I am now, but it helped me achieve my goal.
So now my goal is to "Live and Let Live." To stop pushing him and only push myself. And to "Let Go and Let God." I need to allow God to do his work and focus on myself and my kids.
I am happy to report that I am responding his news in a much more balanced approach than 5 years ago. I am not focusing on whether he is being unfaithful or trying to convince him otherwise.
Last night I shared my experience, strength and hope from working the program. That's all I can do. I have never encouraged him to go to program. I offered him a member's number to call and let him know that if he is interested in attending a meeting, to speak with this person about it.
I will admit I am hurting a lot. I will also admit I was not surprised by his news. I saw the signs of his disconnect 6 months ago and was just waiting for God to allow him to reveal his depression to me.
I am asking for everyone's love, guidance and support as I start this journey again. This journey towards separation.
I am sorry you find yourself back here. I don't wish this journey on anyone, it's so hard. Can you provide a link to your earlier thread so we can get to know you and your history? I think your perspective must be very valuable, as you have been through this before. Do you think there were things you could have done differently to prevent another BD?
I have been piecing for almost 2 years. If H ever dropped another BD, I think that would be it. If anyone walks, it may be me. So I am curious to know what your initial sitch was like and what went wrong in the last 5 years.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
When we reconciled I thought I had seen the changes i wanted to see.
He believed that if he ever felt depressed again, we would talk about it.
The problem is, he never had the tools to work through it. It wasnt my responsibility to provide him with these tools. I worked my program and it helped me. He chose not to do anything.
It just happened.
Yes, its sad. It will be devastating for me when we need to tell our kids.
I did learn something about myself. I dont want an unbalanced relationship. I want one free of drama.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My heart goes out to you and your sitch. To bad that you are back under these circumstances. You seem to be in a much better spot now then you were before but I have not read your old threads yet.
I am glad to see you are still in al anon and you have a great support group there. I know for me the people in AA have been a big help to me.
One thing I have learned is you can only help those who want to be helped. It is very hard to sit by and watch someone not want to get help. I know exactly how my W felt now.
Love is a decision. Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.
Me:43 W:41 M:21 SS:25 S:19 D:18 BD1:3/16 BD2:10/16 W moves out 10/2/16
Thank you seeker. I try to call someone from program once the thoughts of controlling his decision get in my head.
What im obsessing about today is that im angry hes going to put our kids through this. Im thinking of having them start attending a preteen mtg for 4-11yo. Their fathers behavior is like that of an addict. I dont want them to believe his behavior is their fault.
God help us.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I would agree with you and your kids attending that. Kids of all ages take it hard. Even my kids that are young adults are having effects. They do not tell me but I can see it and hear it in the comments they make.
One thing I know is addict behavior is so much alike between different addictions. I can see the same behavior in my W now that I have just gotten out of. I know how much it hurt her now and I know that there is nothing I can do at the moment to help her. It is a very tough spot to be in. Just keep your head up high and continue living your life one day at a time.
I read through some of you begging posts and saw that you started in al anon in the begging. What made you decide to go to al anon?
Love is a decision. Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.
Me:43 W:41 M:21 SS:25 S:19 D:18 BD1:3/16 BD2:10/16 W moves out 10/2/16
Good question. I started Al Anon to work hard on detaching with love. I think back and didnt do it as well as i do it now. Now i have members i can call to remind me what it looks like. At the time, i only had the forum.
I love this forum but i needed more.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again.
I'm glad you started Al Anon. What other support do you have in place?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Today I continued focusing on keeping my serenity.
I do mindful meditation through youtube before bed and when H wakes up for the gym at 4:30am. I also focus on my breathing (meditate) while I'm at a red light, as I am admiring the snow capped mountains, etc. Throughout the day. I have serenity. My goal is not to give it away.
I"m not focusing my energy outside of me and my kids. I don't worry about his fidelity or analyze why he's doing what he's doing. This isn't exactly DBing but it's a part of DBing that works great for me.
I'm not setting DB goals for our relationship. Maybe later down the line when I see more interest on his part. For now, my goals are my slogans.
I continued today with "Live and Let Live." Don't push anyone but yourself. Last time I would make comments to him here and there. "Planting seeds" as they say here. H said that when I would say these things, he knew I was right but refused to see it when I said it. As he was coming out of the fog, he saw the truth in what I was saying.
Now, I don't plant seeds. Instead I repeat, "this is your choice", "I am willing to work on the relationship", etc. But I don't say it like I did last time. IOW to plant seeds. I say it cuz I don't want to get wrapped in his drama.
I'm too tired for this.I want to put energy on me. Today I took my slogan and journaled. WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF ABANDONMENT?
I learned a lot about myself and my past. There is a little girl inside me that I need to nurture.
I remember hearing someone say at a meeting, "If I had put that much energy on changing my spouse on something else, I could've learned 5 languages."
Maybe I'll pick up another language or something else that's new.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
