Love is a decision - my story

[Seeker7]

Thanks Jeep74,

I have been taking care of myself and all I am really worrying about now is me and my kids. I have almost emotionally detached and will be there very shortly. I do not worry about her and what she does now is bothering me less and less.

Sandi2 I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

[Seeker7]

Well I came to the decision to leave it alone on mentioning anything. It will be perceived from her as a disrespectful judgement and will only harm more then it will do good. She does know it is wrong and no need to make it worse.

She did call today and asked a couple more questions on what was going on in my life. I did keep it short and to the point and got off the phone quickly in a nice manner.

The greatest gift we can give anyone in relationship is acceptance. Once we resolve to accept people for who they are and where they are, we are set free and so are they. We are free to affirm them, encourage them, and appreciate them, and by liberating ourselves we set them free to be who they are.

[Dawgs]

You seem to be doing well, my friend. Keep it up!

[Cashew]

Thank you Seeker7

[sandi2]

I am tired of playing the nice guy and not confronting her on this. That is not in my character.

I wonder if some people miss the point about confrontation. What I try to explain is that confrontation alone does not fix anything. Just b/c you confront her to tell her you know what she is doing......is not going to cause her to stop doing it. It may cause her to go to the next step of the affair, but don't expect remorse or promises.....or even her admitting to it. People think I am telling them never to confront, and that's not true. I am telling them that if they confront, they had better be ready to separate or divorce.....b/c they've got to set very stiff boundaries. If they are not prepared to S or D......their boundaries are pitifully weak, and if they are weak then the WW will not consider her wayward actions in the slightest way. That is the point. If you just want her to know how angry you are or that you "won't stand for it".......what does she care? What are you going to do about it? See what I mean?

Should I stand my ground for my morals or just ignore it?

IMHO, we should always stand our ground for our morals. However, your morals may not be her morals. It's like religion, she may not believe the same as you. That doesn't mean you have to change to believe like she believes. You don't have to like what she does.....nor do you have to acceptinto your home and MR what you believe is morally wrong. You have a choice to live with her and accept how she believes or behaves.....or you can stop sharing your life with her and move on. That may sound simplistic, but for me it is about integrity and respect. Can you respect what she is doing to you and the family? Can you live with her while she conducts herself in this manner, without compromising your integrity?

Here's the problem I see with most LBH's who have WW's. He has so much fear of losing his family that he won't set firm boundaries. She immediately sees his fear as weakness. She already disrespects him, so what is he going to do that would cause her to think twice before continuing her bad behavior toward him and their MR? She may not honor his boundary anymore than she honored the M, but neither he does not have to stay in a dishonored relationship.

Do you see what I am saying? Now then, if a couple is already physically separated......and the H confronts his WW about her affair or whatever, what can he do about it? Are you ready to divorce? If so, then tell her you will not live in an open M. But don't say it as a bluff, b/c she'll test it out. Be ready to back up what you say. Setting a boundary is to protect yourself.

The greatest gift we can give anyone in relationship is acceptance. Once we resolve to accept people for who they are and where they are, we are set free and so are they. We are free to affirm them, encourage them, and appreciate them, and by liberating ourselves we set them free to be who they are.

Maybe I am not seeing how you personally intend to apply the words written above, but this sounds very passive coming from a guy who was ready to confront his WW about a hooking up with OM. So now you are ready to accept .....affirm.....encourage....and appreciate? Really? It sets you free? From what?

[Seeker7]

I wonder if some people miss the point about confrontation. What I try to explain is that confrontation alone does not fix anything. Just b/c you confront her to tell her you know what she is doing......is not going to cause her to stop doing it. It may cause her to go to the next step of the affair, but don't expect remorse or promises.....or even her admitting to it. People think I am telling them never to confront, and that's not true. I am telling them that if they confront, they had better be ready to separate or divorce.....b/c they've got to set very stiff boundaries. If they are not prepared to S or D......their boundaries are pitifully weak, and if they are weak then the WW will not consider her wayward actions in the slightest way. That is the point. If you just want her to know how angry you are or that you "won't stand for it".......what does she care? What are you going to do about it? See what I mean?

I see what you are saying. Confrontation alone does nothing in an addicts mind with out consequences. Since she has already moved out and part of it was because she wanted to live that life with out me confronting her. I know she will not admit to it or be remorseful because I believe that in her mind it is a way for her to try to hurt me and also alleviate the pain she is in. This has to do with her bitterness towards me. At this time confronting her will do no good since we are already S and D can not happen for a while do to the laws.

IMHO, we should always stand our ground for our morals. However, your morals may not be her morals. It's like religion, she may not believe the same as you. That doesn't mean you have to change to believe like she believes. You don't have to like what she does.....nor do you have to acceptinto your home and MR what you believe is morally wrong. You have a choice to live with her and accept how she believes or behaves.....or you can stop sharing your life with her and move on. That may sound simplistic, but for me it is about integrity and respect. Can you respect what she is doing to you and the family? Can you live with her while she conducts herself in this manner, without compromising your integrity?

I agree that we should stand for our morals. I have been standing for my morals since I stopped my addiction and her morals were close to mine. This is against her morals but again because of her addictive state she has changed them to satisfy her wants. I am not excepting this into my MR or my home. She is doing it in her home in front of my kids. Now I am living a life of integrity and respect. But I have lost respect for her as have many other people in her life that have told me. I can even see it in my kids to and extent even though they do not tell me directly. I will not live with her this way period. So until she changes there is no desire of mine to live with her.

Here's the problem I see with most LBH's who have WW's. He has so much fear of losing his family that he won't set firm boundaries. She immediately sees his fear as weakness. She already disrespects him, so what is he going to do that would cause her to think twice before continuing her bad behavior toward him and their MR? She may not honor his boundary anymore than she honored the M, but neither he does not have to stay in a dishonored relationship.

I was afraid of losing my family but I realized that I have to do what is best for me in my growth. I have firm boundaries now and am willing to loose her if she does not change. I know that my kids will be there eventually and W has to straighten her self out with professional help before I will live with her again. I already made the decision before I found this site that me or her will not decide when we move back together. It will be decided by the MC that is a pastor that I really respect. This will be a nonnegotiable term. I will wait for her but I will not take anything less the a godly M.

Do you see what I am saying? Now then, if a couple is already physically separated......and the H confronts his WW about her affair or whatever, what can he do about it? Are you ready to divorce? If so, then tell her you will not live in an open M. But don't say it as a bluff, b/c she'll test it out. Be ready to back up what you say. Setting a boundary is to protect yourself.

I will not live in an open M and I am ready for a D as a last resort. She knows that I will follow through on what I say. I have proven that over the years. She can test me and even hope she does. I do not threaten things that I am not willing to follow through with. But I have a long time to wait before I can even threaten a D.

Maybe I am not seeing how you personally intend to apply the words written above, but this sounds very passive coming from a guy who was ready to confront his WW about a hooking up with OM. So now you are ready to accept .....affirm.....encourage....and appreciate? Really? It sets you free? From what?

Well this quote was not about my sitch now but about what I should have done years ago. I should have been more clear on that. I tried to change her and did not accept her the way I should have.

Thank you again Sandi for your insight. It has helped me to mentally figure things out.

[2chiquitos]

Hi Seeker.
Wow. I did my hmwk and read your entire thread.

Here goes...

Read up on detachment. If youre unclear, read the al anon daily meditations. Attend al anon mtgs.

Your wife had a meltdown. She would have benefited from al anon. Did she ever go?

Next, OM. Im so glad you chose not to confront her. This is only specific to you. Why cant she date? You guys have been separated for months. In her crazy thinking, shes "moving on."

Definitely dont call her. Continue with that. Thats a 180
Hanging up first, perfect! Because it helps you practice healthy detachment.
Its "neither kind or unkind."

Coming from the disease, a symptom is the thrill you seek. Not being able to balance emotions and situations.

Maintain your serenity. The less you engage, the better for you.

Last one, you seem to have learned alot on relationships. Has all that reading helped your relationship with those around you? Have you practiced what youve learned with your loved ones.

Take care of S. Breathing mask on you first.

[Seeker7]

Thanks 2chiquitos, This helps me out.

Read up on detachment. If youre unclear, read the al anon daily meditations. Attend al anon mtgs.

I just reread the detachment on the sight and I believe I am there. I have not attended an al anon meeting yet and will look up the daily meditations.

Your wife had a meltdown. She would have benefited from al anon. Did she ever go?

Defiantly a meltdown. I suggested this to her before she moved out but she said she knew what they were but did not want to go. I am not going to suggest it again at this stage.

Next, OM. Im so glad you chose not to confront her. This is only specific to you. Why cant she date? You guys have been separated for months. In her crazy thinking, shes "moving on."

Yes that is the conclusion I came to too. This is why I talk to my support group on here and in person before I make any quick decisions. I am on a very fine line and do not want to blow it. It is better to under do it then to make right for over killing it.

Definitely dont call her. Continue with that. Thats a 180
Hanging up first, perfect! Because it helps you practice healthy detachment.
Its "neither kind or unkind."

Thanks for the reassurance that I am doing the right thing. That is the plan to just let her call me for the time being. My plan is to just keep back and see how things progress over the next couple of months. I will make a new evaluation when the time comes. The last call she actually asked me some questions about my life which is the first time since she moved out that she did that.

Coming from the disease, a symptom is the thrill you seek. Not being able to balance emotions and situations.

I agree. Balancing the emotions has been very hard in the beginning because when you stop the addiction you get flooded by them and I tend not to look at the situation the way that I should. Now it is becoming easier since I have some time under my belt.

Last one, you seem to have learned alot on relationships. Has all that reading helped your relationship with those around you? Have you practiced what youve learned with your loved ones.

Yes I have learned a lot on relationships and it has helped me in every relationship I have. I am continuing to learn and putting in to practice what I have learned with everyone. It has given me a whole new outlook on life and other people.

[Seeker7]

Well our anniversary is this week and I know that I can't send her a card and flowers. I was thinking of texting "Just want to say hi." or giving her a call. I don't know if I should. I was not going to mention the anniversary.

Any thoughts or suggestion?

[Rose888]

I definitely wouldn't contact her if you aren't going to mention the anniversary.

I can see in some situations sending a blank card with the note, "I'm grateful for the good times we shared." Nothing that seems pursuing or implies you have a romantic or marital relationship in the present.

I'm not up on your situation enough to know if that would be a good idea in your case.

If a note like that isn't a good idea, I wouldn't contact her at all this week or next.