I just bought the book on Friday and I've read it and made a multitude of notes. I'm trying my hardest to stick to the rules/guidelines, but I sometimes still find myself wanting to share my feelings with my wife.
I'm a woman married to a woman and I only say that so the pronouns don't get confused as I tell my story.
My wife and I have been together 3.5 years and married too. We are certainly not without our struggles, and the main struggle we have is that I struggle with depression and made the poor choice to come off of my medications. I hadn't realized how much of an impact it was having on my W and she didn't mention it either. I began recently to notice changes in her. She began losing weight and generally seemed happier, which is wonderful, but I knew I wasn't the source. She also began texting a lot and began to withdraw from me. I hoped of course that I was overreacting. I wasn't.
5 days ago I got the "the we need to have a serious conversation" text. I knew what was coming and wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so we talked that evening. She had a coworker that was leaving the company and they had recently become friends over talking about the OW's relationship issues. Of course my W opened up to her about ours as well. When the OW announced she was leaving the company she told my wife she was interested in her and would like to pursue something with her. Supposedly my wife said no and "tried" to resist, but obviously that didn't work out well.
Now she has asked me to stick around while she figures things out and continues to see this OW. It has only been less than 3 weeks since they've been seeing each other so I want to be hopeful that this is fleeting, but I'm preparing for the worst. She has said the OW is upbeat, positive, and outgoing, things she fell in love with me for, but my depression ran off with my happiness and left me very much not this happy person she loved.
This past weekend we had her son from a previous marriage (we have joint custody) so we all spent the weekend together. She was affectionate with me, told me she loved me and I never initiated, however I wasn't sure she was genuine so I asked her to only do those things if they felt right for her, so now she has stopped.
I rarely text her and if I do it is to ask her about something else going on in our lives. I have a name change hearing pending for the 22nd of this month to change it to her last name, which was her idea just a month ago so I text her to say I want to proceed and we can always change it later. I have asked her to delay divorce as long as possible as I work to heal myself. I am starting therapy tomorrow and getting back on meds Thursday after I consult with my physician, I'm going out with friends, making myself scarce and not pushing or pressuring her.
Last night I thought she was to stay with the OW overnight and she came home at 1 because she wasn't feeling well. She could have not felt well at the OW's house so I was surprised. At one point I got up to use the restroom and she thought I was leaving the bed so she offered to go sleep in our son's room. I feel she could have easily said she was going back to the OW's house, but she stayed. These things give me hope, but then sometimes she says things that make me feel completely hopeless so I'm trying to prepare for the worst.
This is extremely hard as you all know and I'm struggling to stick with working it out this way. Any advice and encouragement is welcome.
Thank you all
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you, Cadet, for all the resources. They are much appreciated.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Well I've definitely pinned down my "more of the same" and that is being an emotional roller coaster.
Obviously I'm one right now because of the turmoil I'm experiencing, however my wife has informed me that when I'm off my antidepressants that is how I always am. I'm just up and down all the time and she doesn't know whether she's getting happy me or empty, flat, dark me. She says this is how our marriage has been for some time and even though she knows her A is a huge part of my emotional distress she can't take it anymore and she isn't going to give up something that makes her feel good so she can live with Jekyll and Hyde. I don't blame her for that part at all, but I've made clear that she's 100% responsible for her A.
Good news is I should get on some meds tomorrow and hopefully start to even out. Plus, I'm working very hard (and sometimes failing) at not letting my emotions control my actions in her presence. Right now that is my biggest down fall in DBing.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I keep the book with me and I don't think she has a clue. I am very careful about my searches and history so that won't be a problem.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Hi fightin. I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Affairs cut really deep and make you second guess EVERYTHING about yourself and your relationship with your spouse.
I've experienced this first hand. Many psychologists believe that once an affair is revealed/discovered, the behavior of the hurt partner is not unlike the behavior of someone suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Considering that you were already struggling with depression before you found out makes it even harder to know how to behave or even to trust your own feelings.
And this is the catch-22 for me.
My W is my best friend. We've always been able to talk about anything. So my natural reaction while going (and still going, I might add) through this PTSD-like situation is to lean on her for support. Right now I'm vulnerable, untrusting, insecure, hopeless, and terrified.
Meanwhile these are PRECISELY the behaviors that continue to push my W away from me. It took me 5 months to figure this out. Logically this is TOTALLY UNFAIR to the hurt partner. But that's just how it goes. And it [censored]!
I don't have much advice for you because my situation is also very fresh. I'm happy to hear that you are taking steps to Get a Life (GaL) by starting therapy and spending time with friends. If you're like me you might feel like going back on medication is a sign of failure, but it isn't if it helps. I'm on 3 different psych meds and they keep me normal. We both have much bigger problems to deal with right now than trying to ween ourselves off psych medication.
I've only just started employing the suggestions from the DB/DR books (and this forum) but I'm noticing a change. Not necessarily in my W's behavior (although it has changed a bit) but in mine. I'm trying to put myself and my kids first in all ways while continuing to fight for my marriage in a "behind-the-scenes" kind of way.
At first this felt disingenuous; I'm not a game player. I believe in honesty and talking things out until they get resolved. But I understand now that this situation dictates a different mindset. I just keep reminding myself that I'm not giving up and pray for the strength to keep going.
So keep reading and keep posting. And take care of yourself!
--Chris
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Thank you for your words Chris. I am so very sorry for what you're enduring as well. Sounds like we have a bit of similar situations and have a lot in common personality wise. I too can't feel at ease until I talk things out and she and I are also best friends which makes it so much harder because she wants to talk to me about the A and tell me why this OW is so great. She feels justified because she's had enough of me and while she's "real sorry to see me hurt" she's just "gotta do what makes her happy".
We have our moments when we do talk where I am in a good place and she says she can see the woman she fell in love with, but then I let my emotions get the better of me and show my crazy so that is what I'm working on now. So far it has been less than a month since the A started so I'm so thankful I found this forum and got the book so early on so I can stop my behaviors that push her away. It isn't easy, but I'm trying.
In my journey to GAL therapy and medication are my front line defense, but surrounding myself with good friends has already helped tremendously. Also, although the way I've lost weight is not healthy, the fact that I have lost weight helps me feel better too and I've been going to the gym a few times a week. I've been wanting to take guitar lessons for sometime now so I plan to get that started soon as well.
Sounds like while this is fresh for you too, you are also on the right track. Thank you again and keep fighting the DB fight!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Hi fightin. The only other thing I can say is that, at the very least, you should tell your W that you're not interested in hearing about the OW. How would she feel if the situation were reversed?
I honestly don't know what I would do if my wife decided to keep the affair going after it was discovered, let alone discussing it with me, and I look to some of the vets on this board to give some advice because mine would probably be wrong.
As for guitar lessions... go for it! I can help if you want. I've been playing for about 30 years now
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Sorry you are here fightin....I wish I would have found these boards sooner in my sitch, everyone is very helpful and they understand what you are going through. You will probably find that your outside friends are saying just leave her and get on with your life but they have not been through this situation, so you need to do what is best for you. I agree with Chris in telling your W that you don't want to talk about OW. I actually told my W that I was not willing to live in a 3 person marriage. She had an EA for several months before moving out.
I also am in a same-sex marriage for the time being I am still M but my W is living with the OW and said she is filing. Sorry to say you have a long journey ahead and there will be a lot of ups and downs. Believe me I know its hard but try not to let your emotions go crazy which will push your spouse away even more. Get out there and Gal as much as you can!!! It really helps take your mind off things for a little while.
Hang in there! Your W isn't the same person as who you fell in love with and your old M is gone, this is the gift of time to work on yourself and make you better!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
