So got a email last Wednesday night offering me a position in NC. As I got off work Thursday, my cousin texts me and says that we should drive up to the NC and look around to see where I want to live, so we left an hour later. Found the area that I want to move, it's just what I wanted, small town with a main street with any stores I would need, and houses scattered throughout farmland. There is a also a small college there, wo maybe a little more entertainment venues than you'd normally find in such a small town. I start the new job February 20th.
So we got back to town Sunday morning and I got sick, been sick all week with the flu I went to work Monday and part of Tuesday because it really hadn't hit me hard until Tuesday, but I couldn't finish the day out and went home. Then, Wednesday morning my son calls and tells me hes at the Dr. because he's been feeling lethargic and thirsty all the time. Says that they diagnosed him with Type I diabetes, and he was leaving the dr's office and going to the hospital because his sugar was so high it wasn't even showing up on their testers.
He's been in the hospital since Wed, I haven't been able to visit him because I'm sick, and now I find out i'm moving after he gets such a bad diagnosis. grrrr, nothing is ever easy.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm good, actually I'm great! I moved to NC about three weeks ago, and I definitely found a place I belong. My new job is heads and tails better than where I was previously, I am already feel like my new place is home (something I never really felt about the apt I moved to when we separated), and I'm having a blast in the (semi) country . I'm meeting people left and right, I never realized how little I stopped and smelled the roses, I was always on a mission and had my sights on completion, and rushed through the process. Now I constantly find myself caught up in conversation with people no matter where I go, and don't get caught up with timelines. I've been getting out hiking and fishing a lot, I've met up with people and am planning follow-up outings. I was like a little kid this morning when I woke up and found it snowing outside. I've never lived somewhere it snows, and just had to get out explore.
My W and I don't talk, we haven't talked since last July (I think), other than to communicate about my son, and I'm good with that. The fact is that I don't like that I dislike her so much, but the fact is I despise who she became, but I don't have any anger towards her anymore, I just prefer not to have anything to do with her.
My last day at work everyone went out to celebrate my leaving (not like they were celebratin that I was leaving, but to wish me well) and she showed up. I thought that was pretty weird, but she sat far away from me so there wasn't awkwardness. Although at the end everyone walked up to me to wish me well, and she walked up and just kinda stood there, and then said something about going home to take son to Dr., that was a pretty awkward moment because I didn't know why she even showed up, much less what she expected me to say to her.
My son is dealing with his medical issues well, luckily it hasn't gotten him down, and we talk a lot now by phone and text. He's coming up in the summer and I'm going down during spring break to see him.
Coconut
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Isn't is great to have a job that you like and fits so well?
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My W and I don't talk, we haven't talked since last July (I think), other than to communicate about my son, and I'm good with that. The fact is that I don't like that I dislike her so much, but the fact is I despise who she became, but I don't have any anger towards her anymore, I just prefer not to have anything to do with her.
I'm getting to where you are. I just wish I didn't have to talk to her in some form every day. Good on ya!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, I agree that it is tougher when you have to be in daily contact, but even that is heads and shoulders above in-house separation.
I know the advice frequently given on this site is not to move out of the Master bedroom, and definitely don't move out of the house. But looking back on my sitch, I believe it would have been so much better if I moved out at the first sign that the ww wasn't committed to saving the Marriage or at least to not doing anything to make it worse after BD.
I guess if your great at DB'ing, and your able to disengage quickly, able to live your life and let them do their thing it would work great to stay and show that you are there if they want to come back (light house), but I wasn't able to do that. After starting to see signs that she wasn't doing what she could, I got angrier and angrier, couldn't disengage and started lashing out.
As soon as I got out of the house, those feelings started dissipating, I started focusing on me and slowly (very slowly) started losing the anger, now I have none.
We are still legally married, I wish that wasn't the case but I don't feel like doing the legwork, but if she came to me today and said she made a huge mistake and wanted to work on things I wouldn't do it. I believe that if I hadn't stuck it out, and allowed her to hurt me so much after bd, I would feel differently about that. The truth is I can now think about her without any anger, and I look at the possibility of trying to work things out without emotion, but I am much happier now than I was the last 3 years of marriage and I know the things she did that hurt me (after bd) would be a deal breaker on deciding to try.
I know that the hardest part of the process is the piecing, and I am not willing to put in that kind of work for someone that I allowed to hurt me so bad (not the A, but the lack of caring in the months afterward). So I feel that if I had just left sooner, I would still be open to trying to piece.
I want to make it clear that I'm NOT saying that moving out would have increased my chances of her wanting to put in the work to try and piece things back together, I'm only saying that moving out would have left me open to the idea.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I am not willing to put in that kind of work for someone that I allowed to hurt me so bad (not the A, but the lack of caring in the months afterward).
Yep. Know how you feel.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It is great to hear about your new life and how well you like it.
In reference to your thoughts about staying in the house vs leaving, I agree with a lot of what you said. The longer I am on the board reading these threads that involve a wayward wife, the more I am convinced that the so called in-house S is destructive. The couple is not truly separated when they share the same house, and it is ultimate cake eating for the WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The couple is not truly separated when they share the same house, and it is ultimate cake eating for the WW.
Amen sister! I didn't truly see my situation for what it was until we physically separated. I think there's a lot of wisdom in the old-fashioned "kick the bum out" approach. We nice guys are too reliant on the strong women we marry to provide the backbone that we should've had all along.
more I am convinced that the so called in-house S is destructive
^This. Mine was brutal at best.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
more I am convinced that the so called in-house S is destructive
^This. Mine was brutal at best.
^This X2.
The month being in the house AFTER the divorce... ugh. I want to cry just thinking about it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I went to work Monday and part of Tuesday because it really hadn't hit me hard until Tuesday, but I couldn't finish the day out and went home. Then, Wednesday morning my son calls and tells me hes at the Dr. because he's been feeling lethargic and thirsty all the time. Says that they diagnosed him with Type I diabetes, and he was leaving the dr's office and going to the hospital because his sugar was so high it wasn't even showing up on their testers.
. I'm meeting people left and right, I never realized how little I stopped and smelled the roses, I was always on a mission and had my sights on completion, and rushed through the process. Now I constantly find myself caught up in conversation with people no matter where I go, and don't get caught up with timelines. I've been getting out hiking and fishing a lot, I've met up with people and am planning follow-up outings. I was like a little kid this morning when I woke up and found it snowing outside. I've never lived somewhere it snows, and just had to get out explore.