A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[Gordie]

I'm not surprised as there is a similar story in DR along the same lines. Every situation is different and my approach is to learn from the books and people here and then do my best to apply it to me. Heck, even the stories here are heavily edited so everything need to be taken with a grain of salt or a truckload. That's also why we need support IRL with people we know and trust.

[PacLove]

Yeah each sich is different - if I were to do things over, I would change many things but I do agree with MWD that eventually most A's die a natural death - and if one is willing to wait and show an open door than it paves the path for R. She does call out though that if you personally can't wait, that's fine - but you need to be OK and prepared for the outcome that may ensue with firmer boundaries which may not always lead to R. So the choice becomes whether you want to Fight for your M and be patient vs. Accepting either outcome and moving on.

While most of this forum is biased to fixing ourselves, I do believe most of us come here initially wanting to save our M.

[Seeker7]

PacLove, Can you give some examples of things you would have done different if you had to do it over?

[PacLove]

PacLove, Can you give some examples of things you would have done different if you had to do it over?

Hmm where to start... I'll break it down in a few areas:

Pre-Discovery:
What I did:
I was overly controlling and assumed everything was good. When she wasn't interested in ML I researched it and tried to push her too much instead of realizing what was actually going on. Also bought her expensive gifts.

What I would do differently:
Trust my instincts, but before that even, try to recognize the issues in the M and address them before its too late.


Discovery:

What I did:
I approached and accused same day I found some evidence, to which she denied - I laid low for 2-3 months accepting her answer but then things got suspicious again and I started "sleuthing" on my part, begging and and trying to work on R when W wasn't really "in it". This also led to ~3-4 big blowups/accusations over the course of ~6 months as I gathered more evidence until I finally had enough to prove it.

What I would do differently:
Not confront right away, gather concrete proof early while she is unaware I know, then simply state I'm aware of the A, no need to deny it, you can sleep in the other room. Then continue about my business, be pleasant but not engaging. Basically most of the 37 rule stuff.

Before Separation:

What I did:
Forced counselling, tried to "woo" her back, still spied on her.

What I would do differently:
Lay low, go about my own business and improve myself, but be polite and cordial.

Separation:

What I did:
Stated I didn't want a D, tried to convince her it's not the right thing for us, then drew up hard boundaries around finances, child, access to house etc. Was short with her on the phone when she reached out etc.

What I would do differently:
Probably say that I don't agree but it's her choice and she's entitled to her own decisions. Then clearly layout the consequences of those decisions and boundaries I'd be putting up to protect myself - ie finance, child, access.

Re-engagement:
What I did:
I stated that I was thinking about D instead of asking her what she wants.

What I would do differently:
Listen, be open, and supportive - most of this I am doing right now and being patient. Letting W engage when and if she wants.

[PacLove]

V-Day kind of sucked - I opened the door but she was busy. But we've been spending some nice weekends together and digging into some deep conversation. She told me this past weekend that she thinks are moving in a positive direction.

Focusing on the friends aspect of our relationship right now - patience is key!

One thing I'd add to re-engagement - avoid problem solving!

[doodler]

PacLove,

Good for you! It's nice to see progress in a positive direction.

[Gordie]

Just wanted to say your list of what you did and what you'd do differently has been very helpful to me...keep re-reading it for gems!

[PacLove]

You'd think after a year of being "patient" one wouldn't become in-patient now... was out with W yesterday and she looked so good! Small chit-chat but no real physical contact, I really do miss embracing her.

This really does seem like a slow path to recovery but from those that have been through it they do say it's worth it in the end!

[WillDo]

paclove I wanted to say good luck. You did what you can. It was too much limbo for me. I am really patient but it is down to the meds. My incidenf this week reminded me that again. I was going through things at work. Was in danger of downward in career. Didnt like her belittling me in front of kids. And said again I know that you are having an A. I gave no example just a hunch the way she looks at her messages. I really gave up lurking. But just like you said she went to a diferent room and she is not talking. Wanted to discuss D. I tried to say I dont want it and she said think properly. I asked her to think properly. Then she said she would call the police. I said yeah do it. And then she focused on my deppresive past no depression by the way for 8 years. I said yeah get me sectioned. Finally you will achieve what you want. Then she said she will step back.


What I am trying to say whatever you did nothing might have changed. I really dont see a model. Michele brings something on the table. Smoothes up things but as she says no gaurantee.

Keep well

[PacLove]

It's now been a little over 2 months now since our R talk over the holidays, and while I have noticed a change in behavior in W I still see a lot of confusion and lack of commitment to really work on the R. We are clearing in the "friend" zone but at the same time have discussion around the future as well as the changes we both need to make in order for "us" to work.

That being said, I'm still question whether she's being 100% honest with me. I didn't go looking for it but came across some info that makes me wonder if she was with OM this past weekend. I don't have concrete proof but there was enough of a behavior shift and some questionable activity that reminds me of days not so long ago.

I was debating all weekend whether to confront her with it or not - but have decided against it. The discovery was painful, and I didn't go looking for it - which is why I'm tempted to let her know so I don't have to trip on that type of info again. But at the same time don't want to hinder some of the progress we are making.