I am trying to give her space to talk. I know this woman, if she WANTED to talk she would lol. But, more to your general point, this was the first time she instigated anything re R talk. I didn't want to let the first one through. I want to make her work for it, and show her that no matter what it is, I'm not easy. Firm and kind, hmm I went with strong and calm but I think those 2 can mesh. I'm def showing her that, no matter what, I'm yanking my pants back and you're NOT walking all over me again. Because that person wasn't the real me.... When I think she's worked some more to see how I feel, I'll say something to turn the convo around on her and see what she has to say.
As for calling her out re snotty behavior, it's almost always through text but when she's dropped off S I keep an eye on it to make sure it's not over the top. Something I just didn't feel comfortable with, making it known that I don't appreciate her addressing me in such and such way. Letting her know that this is the way I feel, and regardless of her intent I don't like it (the implied hint: Please choose your words better). How do I know it works? Just keep an eye on it. Monitor. Continue to say you don't care for it, then when it's crossed a boundary enforce it. Cut the visit, phone call, etc short. I hope that helps!
This morning, school called her because S got hurt. She rang me, and then text me to say so. Vague of course "he got hurt" and asked if I'd call. Her name is the emergency contact (I need to add mine tomorrow), so I didn't get a call and decided I wanted to find out myself HOW hurt he was. Sigh. Bumped his lip, quick cry, ice, hug, went to a puzzle. Done. I text her this and she said thanks.
Then she adds "How come you didn't let me know how his night went. Are you upset about something?" Yes! I am! lol Seriously though, I haven't answered that. Another temp check looks like....
I think it's wise to think on it for a while. I had a relative go through a D, never thought of him as a tattoo type of guy but he got exactly the kind of tattoo you're talking about during the long and ugly D process.
And now that I'm going through it, I'm getting the same impulse, same type of design.
That makes me think that although this time is definitely a big milestone for us, it is likely something that will pass. So you might consider waiting until you're past these difficult times, then get a tat just for yourself, not because you're being put through the wringer right now.
Just my two cents...
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Ahhh, the bumps and bruises of 3 year olds. I hope he is feeling better.
But why is she making a phone call to you to ask you to call the daycare? STILL. This woman seriously needs to learn to take care of business.
I understand you wanting to know why and doing it yourself without her asking you to, but it's like a way of making you do things and keep you attached.
And why you didn't let her know how the night went? Maybe she should have her son overnight a few times a week so she knows how his nights go........
This situation is kind of confusing to me, and I guess it doesn't need to make sense to me, but it seems as if she rarely sees her son, maybe for an hour after school and Saturdays, but wants you to give her the full lo down on every move and take care of all the phone calls and report to her? She went to SAHM to barely seeing her kid?
I see a whole bunch of cake eating. Maybe I'm the only one who sees it, I don't know.....
on the Tatoo. I agree with ForGump. If you get it now and things work out later it will be a constant reminder of bad times. You don't want that. Wait for good times so it is a constant positive reminder.
The R question is definitely a temp check. Good job playing it off.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
on the Tatoo. I agree with ForGump. If you get it now and things work out later it will be a constant reminder of bad times. You don't want that. Wait for good times so it is a constant positive reminder.
Tattoos are tricky. I have one that I custom designed for myself of a "true love knot" around my right wrist that was done about 4 years ago. I see it all the time and some days it really hurts to look at it. In some of our few talks W would stare at it when she speaks.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Wow lots to think about re tattoo! I think you guys are right. If we reconcile, it could bring back bad memories. If we don't, then I can just go ahead with it anyway but have plenty of time to decide.
W dropped off S, I was in no mood to chat as work was again stressful, traffic awful and I was really late! She mentioned she went to the Dr again today about the ear infections, and has to meet again to discuss possible surgery. I was a little shocked, but I looked her in the eye and said I hope everything is ok in the way I would to a neighbor.
Ginger, maybe I can help you. W has always been a 40hr/week preschool teacher. Up until a few weeks ago, S has always been at the preschool she has worked at. Those last couple weeks of him with her in July, unfortunately, she was still mediocre Mom and saying mean things like "he HAS to go, I can't do my job!" and other statements that made him seem like a nuisance.
I didn't let her know how the night went because we talked a "ton" relatively speaking, and she left about 3hrs before he went to sleep. I think I'll give a short "he had a good night" today though. This is one of the things I want to break with a minimal contact letter, because if we D I'm not doing anything like this from day 1. The calls to preschool, updates, details, etc are probably the last thing to go as I think I've done a good job elsewhere. I'll feel bad initially, and she'll raise hell, but it needs to happen. She's a worrier, and although her motherly instinct is coming back (which I am happy about) there's no reason for the husband she discarded to keep her up to date like he used to.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
So, I told her he had a good evening. She responds seriously? That's it? I didn't text right back and she then says why are you speaking to me like this, I'd like an honest answer. I'm thinking of a response and she says seriously? I say he was sweet, had a good night and went to sleep easily. I then ask if there's any other handout from school I need besides those she text me, as I couldn't find them when I looked today. She says no, I guess not. Night. I said thank you, night.
Jeez. She's already kind of having withdrawals. It doesn't feel good, but it must be done. I can only imagine when I say I need space...she'll get VERY angry!!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I'm not sure I understood the objective here? Confused? You said you were going to txt goodnight, but then you said it was something you wanted to break?
Were you doing this to confuse her or to pulse check her?
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I'm not sure I understood the objective here? Confused? You said you were going to txt goodnight, but then you said it was something you wanted to break?
Were you doing this to confuse her or to pulse check her?
I guess you could qualify it as a pulse check. I just said he had a good night, thinking that would be good enough to let her know he's doing well. She's still expecting details, so I at least know where her head is.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
You know, I could actually understand the conflict of having your child in your professional work environment. I don't think that makes her a mediocre mom. When you have so many kids vying for your attention, it is conflicting and hard to balance giving your own flesh and blood attention. I get it.
You use the term "mediocre mom" a lot. Just an observation.
But I have got to say, she should be taking him overnight. Instead of sending him with you, expecting detailed updates, injecting her opinion on what you should be doing and who you should be calling while she goes to the gym every night. This is cake eating. And yeah, it's sad she doesn't want her son overnight. My ex tried to give up his weeknight with our D and told him no. It was "stressful" for him. And he has a wife there who takes care of the morning routine with drop off. I mainly said no because it would hurt out daughter.
So, is this your long term plan for child custody? You do all the work because it's easier for you, rather than her, she parents from afar while you give her detailed updates all the time and make the calls and do what she says?
No decisions need to be made now, but you really should think about this dynamic and how long you can parent like this for, because I think it might be taking a toll on you.
