Did Not See It - But Should Have

[RDS]

Link to my old thread Did Not See It

Quick update: Had a 3 hour conversation with my W yesterday. Basically feeling like a loser for causing my wife so much pain over the years.

If you're really bored check the last page of the above thread to get the scoop of what has happened

[RDS]

It would be so much easier to throw in the towel and avoid the hard work to get this done

And what does that look like to you? What would you do differently?

It makes me look like a quitter. I don't understand about what I would do differently? Do you mean what would I do differently during my last phone call with my wife?

[RDS]

To save my M it’s going to take a very long time and a lot of work.

You got that right RDS. The work begins with YOU. Here's a list to get started with:

1) No more blaming your W for anything.
2) Accept that her reality of past occurances (your verbal abuse) are completely true for her. Just accept it and allow her to have her feelings about it.
3) If you've raised your voice aimed at your W, you've committed verbal abuse. Accept it, apologize, and get help to NEVER do it again.
4) Throw away the calendar, the "very long time" will likely be years worth.
5) Look at this as a game, you call your own plays. Some plays will gain yardage some will loose. Stop calling the plays that loose yardage and keep playing the ones that gain. The road is long and you only loose when you quit.
6) Take your vision off of your W and fix YOU! You can single handedly fix this but only by changing your W's perception of you and you can only do that by growing, changing and maturing YOU.
7) Learn more about who you are and what your real needs are. Listen intently to hear what your W's real needs are.
8) Pray, rest, let go, and believe with every fiber of your being that your M can be saved, if you want it to.
9) Realize that this is a calling to a higher state of being. It's not about your M really, it's a calling for you to become the amazing man that you were created to be.

There's a good start for you!

COG

Thanks COG. I am trying to do everything you listed and one day I won't be trying to do that, I WILL do that. I vowed never to raise my voice to her again. I'm such an easy going guy and most people would never know me to raise my voice. I did it to her all the time.

My W even said she could see a warmth in my eyes she hadn't seen in a long time when we had lunch a couple of days ago and she also could tell in my voice the anger wasn't there anymore. Of course we both know it's way too early to talk R as she can't trust me. I even have to have time on my side to trust myself. It's so easy to say I've changed and become mellower but who is to say how I would react with the first disagreement we have?

[COG]

To save my M it’s going to take a very long time and a lot of work.

You got that right RDS. The work begins with YOU. Here's a list to get started with:

1) No more blaming your W for anything.
2) Accept that her reality of past occurances (your verbal abuse) are completely true for her. Just accept it and allow her to have her feelings about it.
3) If you've raised your voice aimed at your W, you've committed verbal abuse. Accept it, apologize, and get help to NEVER do it again.
4) Throw away the calendar, the "very long time" will likely be years worth.
5) Look at this as a game, you call your own plays. Some plays will gain yardage some will loose. Stop calling the plays that loose yardage and keep playing the ones that gain. The road is long and you only loose when you quit.
6) Take your vision off of your W and fix YOU! You can single handedly fix this but only by changing your W's perception of you and you can only do that by growing, changing and maturing YOU.
7) Learn more about who you are and what your real needs are. Listen intently to hear what your W's real needs are.
8) Pray, rest, let go, and believe with every fiber of your being that your M can be saved, if you want it to.
9) Realize that this is a calling to a higher state of being. It's not about your M really, it's a calling for you to become the amazing man that you were created to be.
10) Your hiring a lawyer and initiating the D was a huge mistake if you really want to save your M. Accept this failure, own the responsibility of a bad play call, and make calculated decisions on how to change course in the direction of reconciliation.

There's a good start for you!

COG

[COG]

Sorry, duplicated posts here.

You can save your M my friend, it can be done! Believe in it, believe in YOU!

Experience the pain and grief, and keep on fighting!

This is a spiritual battle, less about your M, more about you becoming the whole, loving, caring, strong and beautiful man you were meant to be. Embrace the struggle, allow yourself to grow.

[RDS]

Thanks again COG. I just finished reading your story. It's very inspirational to say the least.

It does give me hope.

[MoveFrwd]

It would be so much easier to throw in the towel and avoid the hard work to get this done

And what does that look like to you? What would you do differently?

It makes me look like a quitter. I don't understand about what I would do differently? Do you mean what would I do differently during my last phone call with my wife?

Maybe I wasnt being clear. Let's say you decide to "throw in the towel".

What does that actually mean in terms of what you do or how you think or how you feel? How is your life different from what it is now if you "quit"?

[RDS]

Maybe I wasnt being clear. Let's say you decide to "throw in the towel".

What does that actually mean in terms of what you do or how you think or how you feel? How is your life different from what it is now if you "quit"?

darknes, thanks for the clarification. It's a very good question. I suppose if I "gave up" I would still work on me as I've been doing, but in my mind I would look to the future with the outlook of meeting women and hopefully finding a person I want to spend my life with. I also would sell my house and probably look to get another job in another state to be close to my daughter (wherever she moved to). Right now I'm in limbo and I feel part of my life has to be put on hold while my we are in this phase. If I moved away I really feel there would be no getting back together.

[RDS]

Last night I went out with a social group and it seems as if a lot of the group know my sitch now. One very attractive lady asked me if I was wanting to get back with my W or go on with a divorce. I told her I wanted my M to work. She seemed a little disappointed with my answer.

The pub we went to was the first place a couple of friends took me to on my BD day. It had just opened then. It got so drunk and I was in such a fog that night I barely remember the place. It's actually pretty nice.

Another woman in the group hadn't been into the place in 6 years as she and her XH owned a BBQ restaurant that used to be there. The place has been transformed a few times since then but it was originally a BBQ place. My W and I used to get BBQ from there all the time because it was really good and it was close to home. It wasn't open very long. The woman said the business started out really well but then her XH started paying more attention to the "help" than he did to the business. She said her marriage started going downhill really fast after that. She never wanted to do open a restaurant but he was adamant on doing it. They lost a lot of money and she lost her marriage because of it.

Even though she is divorced and doesn't like her XH (she does like the XH's new wife) she is really pulling for me. While I talked to her I imagined what it would be like to be with her. I will never got there, but it was fun to imagine it for a little while.

[RDS]

Texts are one of the best inventions of modern times and the worst. Texting is a quick and efficient way to send out small bits of conversations but more than that it can be exasperating.

I never used to care when I texted someone and they didn’t respond right away. Even when I texted my W and she didn’t respond in a timely manner I didn’t think anything about it (even in our darkest hours before she left). Now, when I text her I get too annoyed when she doesn’t respond as quickly as I think she should.

Today, as I’m doing laundry and other household chores I hear my phone text sound. It was the chime of my W’s number. She rarely texts me first and when I heard the chime my brain did a Pavlov’s reflex. I tried to ignore the text until I finished loading the washer and taking the clothes out of the dryer. I was going to wait until I put the clothes away before I looked at the text but I could not resist. It was a simple text about wanting to sell her clown dolls and masks and we would split the money. She said she didn’t have the room to store them and she didn’t want them anymore.

I waited about 15 minutes before responding. I didn’t know what dolls she was talking about. She told me it was the dolls her mother had gotten over the years and what she had before we even married. My W liked clown dolls when we first married but her mother went overboard over the years with the clown dolls she gave my W (some of them were hideous). My W stopped displaying them within the first couple of years of our marriage. I had forgotten about them. It was almost a joke between us whenever my W got a new clown doll we put it in the box with all the others.

I told her I would post the dolls on Craigslist and eBay but I would let her keep the money as those dolls were all hers and some of them she had before we married. She responded not to worry about it. She said when we were allowed to she would just throw them away. I don’t know what she meant when she said “we are allowed”. I told her I would list the and we would split the money. She said she appreciated it.

I will not try to read into it because there is no way to read into it. I have no idea why my W would want to sell the things and split the money if they are sold, but not take all the money when I offered. She would rather thrown the things away then sell the items and not share the money with me.

I’ve sold a few things around the house and have split the money with her but it’s always been marital assets. I wouldn’t think her dolls would be considered assets especially when I offered to let her keep all the money. I don’t think I will be able to sell them anyway and whatever I get will be miniscule in the grand scheme of our belongings.