My wife walked out 2

[RSG]

Old Thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2683961&#Post2683961

[RSG]

mvgfwd2

There's a problem with your idea. My son is nearly 4, but he's slow developing with his speech so he cannot carry on a conversation yet. WW and I have to ask about him because he can't tell us "I had fun, we did XYZ" yet.

Coconut

I forgot to mention, major milestone in GAL tomorrow. Going to a meetup tomorrow for a Happy Hour after work. I've never done anything like this before! I'm an introvert, a homebody, a family man.

Oh, I feel the need to talk to her. But the other day when she finally opened up, I just kept trying to reason and explain and realized I was going up against a brick wall. It's like she knows I'm right and doesn't care. My wife will admit I'm the most intelligent person she knows, but she's not dumb either. If I talk now, she'll see through that. I'm just trying to move back. Problem, though, is that as I back off I realize I'm not talking to my wife.

If we ever get to talk it out in MC, I know I don't want to know anything about the A. It's pure evil and the more I know the less I would be able to forgive. I just want to hear specifics about what affected her so much, and she has refused to ever say anything. I hear what you're saying though. Working so hard just to get her to come to the table, start talking it out, and realize YOU now are the one who wants out.

I feel like when we finally get to the end, I want to give her a book like DR (ie read this before we officially go down this path) that shows her that not only is divorce not the answer for happiness but that couples who can drive through that barrier get back together AND are stronger. If she can read it and still has the urge to destroy, then ain't much I can do. I've looked up a lot of books on surviving A's, you should check out a couple.

In addition, I joined a Divorce Support Group off of Meetup. Even if it doesn't solve anything, it'll be nice to get some stuff off my chest among a sympathetic crowd and hear how other people are dealing with things.

[Coconut]

I'm glad to hear about your GAL outings coming up. I've really enjoyed taking advantage of that site, I've done mediatation I found on there, play volleyball with a group on there, and will be going to my 3rd open mic night at a local pub tonight. I too am a bit of an introvert, and what I find works best is not waiting around for someone to approach me, I start chatting immediately when I get there, before I get overwhelmed, and can usually find one or two people that I can then hang out with for the rest of the night. I can't handle an entire night of small talk.

As for wanting to know what affected her so much, I will tell you that the WW mind skews history so they can justify their actions... Even now that she is back to reality, she still has a hard time getting the facts straight. One of my W biggest complaints was I never did anything, I didn't participate in any family activities etc.. So I sat down and started writing everything I could remember over the last two years, going through my calendar and pictures, etc to really figure out what I did and didn't do... Turned out I had been to about 70% of all outings, and the ones I didn't go to were mostly other kids B-day parties or expensive, so I figured why pay that much if I didn't really want to go. I told my W I only missed three of my sons wrestling meets over two years, and she didn't believe me (in her mind I had only gone to two or three), and I had a tough time proving that I had been to that many. They change reality to explain their actions, so I don't know if you'll ever get a real reason.

You mention wanting to give her books like DR, and i always told my self that if we ever got to the point of D I would email her a link to my sitch on here as either a LRT or revenge to show her how good I was doing with GAL...

[RSG]

I'm going to need a beer before I start to get chatty lol. There's only supposed to be about a dozen people at this shindig, so it shouldn't be too bad. And it's only a couple of hours as well. I just need to get out there and start meeting people. It would be nice to actually make a few new friends.

Yeah, I've already gotten the WW version of the world a little. She claims she took care of S all by herself, but what she really means is he'd wake up early in the morning and she'd be up with him. Why? Because she refused to let me know and I'd be asleep. I'd even put him to nap while she went to the gym OR I'd let her nap and watch him when he woke up while she continue to snooze.

Anyway, WW oddities continue. Instead of Facetime, for the 2nd day in a row she just wants to call. No discussions, just telling S goodnight, she "can't wait" to have him tomorrow, love you, etc. I send her a picture of him when he finally went to sleep and all she says is "see you tomorrow." Trying to make it easier for me to detach I guess ha.

If I ever showed WW what I've typed here her head would explode!!!

[mvgfwd2]

stop sending her pictures

[RSG]

You're right. I had to remind her to call him tonight anyway. I remind her to call for his sake, but you're right. The pictures shouldn't be proffered....

[mvgfwd2]

She won't miss you if you keep in close contact with trivial stuff.

[Coconut]

Don't send pics, don't remind her to call him, don't remind her to pick him up... Your his dad, you fill the space that she leaves empty... Don't worry about her R with your son, that's on her, you are the rock in his life..

[sandi2]

I so badly want to have a sit down with her and go over everything,

Everyone here understands that urge to sit and talk with her. They will also tell you it does no good, and could make matters worse. Sometimes the H experiences some temporary emotional relief by having the talk......but it is very shortly lived. You must learn to communicate through your actions. May be tough to learn, but pretend she is deaf and can only see what you do......not what you write or say.

She constantly says to me she'd walk through hell for our child, but is actually willing to throw away half of his life without even trying to work on anything.

Exactly! In her mindset, she loves them just as she always has and have their well-being first. She does not see the truth about herself b/c her selfishness has blinded her thinking process. It's some of that fogginess you mentioned. The way a WW thinks, is so out of kelter from what was the norm.

I noticed we weren't friends on Instagram a few days ago, and then today we weren't on Facebook. I asked about FB, and she said we are still friend but she's just stopped doing social media so she isn't posting anything anyway.

You absolutely must refrain from asking her why she has unfriended you, or whatever the case. She sees this as petty and weak. You don't have to have her posting to you. You don't have to see her FB. You are too busy with your life to sit around and follow her around on social media. Right?? At least, that should be your new attitude.

That used to make her SO happy, and it wasn't that long ago!

She's a different gal now! She is no longer the girl you married.

She said she was "so sorry" the other day, but that didn't hurt her much.

Remember what I just said about her not listening to your words and that she'll only notice your actions? Well, the same applies the other way around. Pay no attention to what she says. Her saying she's sorry meant nothing. It's when her behavior/actions line up with her words that you can start believing her again. And, btw, don't press her to say certain things.....b/c it is meaningless.

I don't understand why she just doesn't file for D now, or why she doesn't say she wants to go forward with a plan. She wants to work together, turn in a plan we agree on and the like, but hasn't said word one about when.

When a WW doesn't file immediately for a D, then just mark it down that she's getting her ducks in order by learning where she will benefit the most....or she feels comfortable knowing you are her backup plan and is not worried holding you at arms length.

If we ever get to talk it out in MC, I know I don't want to know anything about the A. It's pure evil and the more I know the less I would be able to forgive. I just want to hear specifics about what affected her so much, and she has refused to ever say anything.

Just bear in mind that MC will absolutely do no good in reconciling the M, until your W is willing to do whatever it takes to save the MR. In most cases, that's a long way off, b/c she has to go through a process.

I feel like when we finally get to the end, I want to give her a book like DR

She will not be receptive to any material, or advice, from you about how she decides to proceed in her life. She will resent you trying to "tell" her what she needs to do by giving her books to read. Sounds cold, but I am nothing compared to your WW's mindset at the moment.

In addition, I joined a Divorce Support Group off of Meetup. Even if it doesn't solve anything, it'll be nice to get some stuff off my chest among a sympathetic crowd and hear how other people are dealing with things.

Support is good. Just remember that more sources of advice you have, the more confused you may become. I hope you will stick with the DB advice.

[RSG]

I will continue to do that. It's been a weird day today. She came over to pick up S for camp and we got him ready. She asked me to take a heavy box to her car, and we went together. As we came back inside she started to cry, she just said "It's weird" and I said yeah, it's really weird.

We discussed this weekend, because I have to take S over to my folks as she has jury duty next week. I mentioned I was taking him to them NEXT week because it will be Father's day. She let slip she's getting me a present. That will be interesting, especially the card (if there is one).

I said bye to S, gave him lots of love and told WW bye. She then started texting about how he's doing, and that he's just not fitting into the environment. And that she's unhappy with her performance. I validated her concerns and she just said she's having a bad day, and that "this is hard for her too." I wanted to laugh, but I even validated that saying I Know it's hard for you too and we're both fighting inner battles.

She KEEPS having to convince herself destroying this family is "right" and will be good for long term and short term happiness. She even mentioned the dreaded F word this morning. Friends.

I'm at a loss. The fog is there, and everytime I start to see my wife again, she's gone and the fog crashes over her again. This is really hard. I told her she's asking me to do husband things but doesn't want to be my wife. All she said was ok. I wish I could just quit sometimes....