Shell Shocked

[blueboy]

Other than the day after the BD, I've held back from pursuing her. I know that I have to give her space and pursuing her will have the opposite effect of what I want right now. She did text me making small talk yesterday. She apparently drove by the house (not sure why, didn't ask) and said she saw me walking the dogs. Had a brief light hearted convo that I ended shortly after because I had to get to sleep. Possibly a good sign? Who knows.

From my limit experience, I would say no, my W does that all the time but is still carry on her path!

[Coconut]

Shax, your new here so let me first tell u to listen to Sandi very closely, she is one of the most respected vets here, and she is dead on in her analysis of most situations, listen to her, ok.

Now, I'm gonna respond to your question "possibly a good sign", but first let me tell you I myself have a very difficult time doing what I'm gonna tell you to do, Do Not try and mind read, no one knows why she does what she does except her, and she isn't going to tell you the truth. But yes, it's a good sign, but not because it means she cares, it's a good sign because you were out doing your own thing, living your life not moping around, it's good because you didn't ask her why, it's good because you ended the conversation because there was something you needed to do for you. Good for you buddy, you are strong and doing everything right.

The fact that you only pursued her for one day after bomb drop outs you in such a great place, do your best in keeping that up, because pursuing will set you back. Be cordial, short answers, validat her feelings (did you read the links cadet gave you on page 1?), and DO NOT tell her how you feel. If I woulda done what you did, my W may not have started her A, but I kept perusing after ILYBNILWY speech, and I pushed her away and she never wanted to be home dreading having me persue her, she has told me emphatically I almost ended all hope by doing so.

Do the little things for you, buy some new clothes, dress nicer, find new things to do (meetup.com is great for finding new things), wear cologne, feel good about yourself.

[MoveFrwd]

I've been doing my best to GAL. It is difficult when we share 90% of the same friends, enjoy the same activities and places to hang out.

For me, the best thing I did was go out and meet new people that knew nothing of my situation. Going new places, trying new things, meeting new people. It helped build my confidence, helped take my mind off of my situation, and opened all kinds of new doors for other potential GAL activities.

[Si_07]

I echo Coconut here, I did so much wrong at the beginning of this when W was looking for space and struggling with her feelings. I was in my own crisis at the time and did so many things wrong. I didn't validate anything, I was my own mess having my own problems. Ours was a road of disaster that will take much to untangle if it ever does.

[Martin5]

Hi Shax, sorry you are here with us, my sitch is similar, no warning, affectionate uptil then, however, only slpit because AP was discovered, then all the blame was laid on me, which in this sitch, we are inclined to accept, and encouraged to by our IC/MC's, there is normally an AP, worth a bit of detective work by you, just for peace of mind, don't beat yourself up too much. My W was addicted to Candycrush, and Facebook to as lesser extent, AP started with texts, that causes distance between partners. There is no easy cure Shax, do some weights, see friends, try and get out, and only think 'in the moment' if you can, it very slowly gets easier, but DON'T think into the future, it will look bleak for a while, loads of us are going thru this, you truly are not alone

[Shax]

I have been going through the links and hope to find a copy of db and dr tonight. Sandi's advice is bang on, thank you. Any thoughts as to the letter the counsellor suggested I write? I can post it later when I can get to my laptop. Also any thoughts on if I should just keep my mouth shut about her insurance for now until we've had more time away? I really don't want to bring up anything to do with financials with her right now. It's a bitter feeling for me right now and likely even more so for her.

[doodler]

Shax,

My opinion is to write the letter for yourself, but don't give it to her. Generally, I think giving the W anything in writing is a bad idea. But, one of the more experienced DB pros can probably give you a better answer.

[Shax]

You are getting advice from a MC, which will probably be contridictive to DBing........and I don't know what TLR teaching is. The more varied sources, the more likely you will be confused about which advice to adhere.

TLR referring to the Last Resort technique that is posted on these forums. The MC sent me the link to it which is how I found this group.

[doodler]

Shax,

Then, TLR should be LRT. And, by the way, I think Martin5 meant PA (physical affair) not AP.

[Coconut]

I agree about the letter, I wrote one, but I didn't let my WW see it until the A ended and she was committed to working on us. I showed her the apology letter I had written when she made a comment that I didn't realize how much I had hurt her. I think her reading that apology letter, knowing I had already written it out on my own and didn't share it with her, hit home that I did understand and took responsibility.

As for the insurance, it's really up to you what would work better. Sandi2 does suggest telling the WW upon finding out about an A that you will not share the MBR with a cheater, and pulling back any of "your" resources that would enable to the affair to continue. If you and your WW earn similar money, I don't think there is any benefit to splitting everything while your still living together. I don't remember if she is paying money towards everything. If she is just keeping all of her money and not helping out, then yes, I would lay out for her what her contribution to the bills should be.

But if I were you I would make it clear that you will not continue to share the MB with her while she is with OM, and that you are not ok with an open marriage and she can find somewhere else to sleep (in the house) until she ends all contact with him.