That's DB in a nutshell, TX! You might want to quote that on everyone's thread!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I am researching divorce procedures in Ontario. TxHubby, I appreciate your reply and You are correct. I realize I have been in Limbo since well before the bomb was dropped. Its time I force her hand. I believe she is waiting for me to start the conversation again. What she won't expect is me asking her to leave and its time to separate for real. She wants the separation. I will let her prove it. I can't truly focus on my happiness if I continue with the status quo.
I have waited for her to decide. Its time I make the decision for her. Don't know what to expect. She is stubborn and set in her ways. Being in the same house may be OK with her but not with me any longer. I felt it would be best for me if she stayed. That was wrong. It will be best for me if I don't see her everyday. I get irritated easier with her around. I don't need that in my life.
I find myself leaving the house more when she is there and staying at work longer. I was always the first one home to make dinner. I now make sure I am not home first anymore. Make her realize how rushed things are when we have to feed the kids and leave for the arena many nights during the week.
She has had it too easy because I let her. No more. She can arrange her schedule more often to accommodate the many nights of after school commitments.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Its been more than two months since my last post and the only noticeable change is my weight. Down another 10 pounds.
I need help. I know a divorce busting no no is initiating relationship or marriage discussions. How long can I wait? All relationship discussions in the past have always been started by me.
The most memorable one being when the bomb was dropped. I knew there was something wrong and I had to pry it out of her. I do not want this marriage to end although right now we are only married on paper. We still share the same bed, all talks have been cordial but no mention of where our marriage stands or any relationship talk at all.
It is my belief that she wants me to look like the bad guy in the eyes of the children. Either by packing up and leaving or kicking her out.
At this time of year neither of us want to disrupt the holidays, and ruin it for the children but I am at my wits end.
Is it time for me to finally stand my ground. I look back our second to last discussion back in June. It wasn't actually a discussion. More of a statement from me stating I am not leaving the house no matter what. I said you want to end it then leave.
Later she asked if I wanted her to move out. I was honest and said no. I regret saying that sometimes, only because I am in the same position I was in when the bomb was dropped.
I see improvement in myself both physically and mentally. Emotionally I am a wreck but I have not displayed this part of me. These emotions have been internalized. I am being strong on the outside. I got a life. I play hockey every chance I get but its difficult finding time now due to busy hockey schedules for my boys.
Evenings when we are both home consist with the W on one couch busy on face book with her IPAD and me on the other waiting for her to talk. It never happens. There is small talk about our days, our upcoming work schedules or the boys.
Just as it took time for the marriage to be in this state, I know it can not be fixed over night. How can it ever get fixed if we never discuss the issues.
At this time I could use some advice
Merry Christmas everyone
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
What are your thoughts on txhubby's statement from the last page? Seems like solid advice with the possibility of a desired outcome.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I can echo this. I spent 3-4 months begging, buy flowers, being amazing, while XW flip-flopped back and forth from being a b-word to being somewhat sweet.
Then I finally found myself through DBing, and started working out, got a new hairstyle, lost 25 pounds, became happy, moved on.
I even met a nice girl I was chatting with, and all of a sudden, XW who was having an A, realized I was happy and content, and was SUPER angry that I was happy and awesome - she came jumping back in.
I can't say that'll be your path, but the only thing you can focus on is making you be the best you that you can be... The best thing someone told me was that you can only control what your arms can reach.
It's been a while since I posted. Separation is inevitable. I can't believe I've lived like I have for almost two years. She is so resentful towards me. Her demeanour has hanged. I see a change in her that I can't believe. I can't describe it but one word works bit@h. I still love her though. No conversation except how was your day. I can't believe she has turned do spiteful. One relationship discussion in over a year. She says she will leave after this school year now. I won't bring up the conversation though I don't want her to leave but it may be best
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
Two years......and you still wait for a conversation! It is amazing how you claim it is a DB "no-no", but you ignore the part about "do what works". You know of no action to take other than a R talk? Look, if you have lived in this hell for two years and you STILL believe things can't start to change without having a discussion about the MR........then have it. Get it over with, and move forward!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Now that the separation is inevitable I will be updating my progress as things unfold.
06-19-2017:
Originally Posted By: Bhuda1
Separation is inevitable.
Perhaps not
You both sound very, very stuck. What do YOU want? Surely not another year of this misery. I think Sandi is right, time for an R talk. But before you do that, maybe list what you think the bullet points of that talk should be and post them here for feedback.
Also it would be helpful if you could talk about what has or has not changed since your last update a year ago. What does your M look like? Are y'all still sleeping in the same bed? Are you basically living like H and W except for your W saying she wants out?
It's been over a year since I posted. I am embarrassed to say my status has not changed. Still living in limbo. I am also ashamed that I have not initiated conversation. I thought last September the beginning o the end was finally upon us. She asked which divorce action to take. I told her I want the process that is easiest. I told her to start the process, if we can avoid lawyers that would be best, I have heard nothing since.
There will be no easy time to do this. I have been waiting for her to serve the papers. Txhubby is right and I know I should. There is a reaso she has not followed through. I think it is the kids. She does not want to be the (for lack of a better word) the villain in the eyes of our boys.
As far as me serving the papers, I am not there yet.
Here is an update . I sleep downstairs. Most nights I prepare dinner for all four of us. We eat as a family. After dinner my w and I tend to different chores. We will sit and watch tv, have non r discussions. Mostly she is on her iPad playing candy crush or reading Facebook.
I have decided to initiate the conversation. The conversation will not be negative. It will focus on fixing what is broken. Not negatively. We are part but still together. I figure if the discussion can focus on solutions and not problems it's a good start.
If after the discussion she has n interest in an attempt to reconcile, I will then serve her papers
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
There will be no easy time to do this. I have been waiting for her to serve the papers. Txhubby is right and I know I should. There is a reaso she has not followed through. I think it is the kids. She does not want to be the (for lack of a better word) the villain in the eyes of our boys.
Yep. She is waiting you out. Then she can claim to be the victim. "He divorced me!"
I know you think you need to do something, and maybe you do. You've given it over a year, no one would fault you for throwing in the towel. Just make sure you are really ready. Your "As far as me serving the papers, I am not there yet. " comment has me questioning that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
