Hi Tleft, welcome to the community. Your fears, and your story, are all too common on the board. If you read other threads of newcomers, you may recognize you and your W. You will not be able to talk your way out of this situation. Please avoid relationship discussions b/c it will not work. Pursuing does not work.
Based on the talk you had 3/6, you already know you cannot depend or expect her to do what she says. At this time, you can't trust her or believe her. Sorry to be blunt, but that is how it goes. This is not the girl you married. This is different person.
I am not very experienced about bipolar, however, I have been taking Adderall for several years. I have not had any personality change or mood swings.....but neither am I bipolar. Do you know why her doctor placed her on the medication? Was it her usual doctor, who would know about her bipolar? Has she been off her medication for her bipolar?
I don't know how much, or if, her health issues have to do with her behavior. I have seen men try to explain away the reason their W could be acting so out of character. They would blame it on hormones, menopause, medication, depression, thyroid condition, or whatever. Well, I have actually had all of those things I just listed, but they had nothing to do with my choice to make the decisions I made. In fairness to your W, I have known personally of one case where the woman stayed off her bipolar medication and did some very uncharacteristic behavior.
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Somehow in a single week she went from wanting to work to being totally unwilling. Right before she left she told me that me putting in so much effort recently was making things harder on her. I think she wanted me to fall completely on my face but I didn't.
Men seldom guess what their W thinks. Plus, her mindset has completely changed now, so it is even more doubtful you would guess what she's thinking.
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I have realized my pursuit isn't helping because she is still in pain. Someone close to her suggested I pull back for a week and approach her again. This is contrary to what everyone else close to her was telling me (that she wants to see me fight for us.) She seems set on divorce. I want to at least try counseling and fix this.
Those closest to her, or those who have not experienced having a wayward spouse cannot give completely unbiased advice. Also, what she tells others may not be anything close to the truth. She is going to find justification for leaving you.........even if that means she has to lie. Marriage counseling will not fix this problem, b/c the WW has to be honest, and she has to want to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Your W is neither one.
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That is exactly what the pastor thought. He directly asked her if there was a third party involved. She got angry and avoided the question. The pastor persisted and she angrily denied it.
First of all, a wayward wife is not going to be honest when she's confronted about a third person. Secondly, her reaction to the Pastor's persistence really raises a red flag.
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To answer the question directly, I have not looked for signs of an affair. I do not think that W would do that, it just isn't the kind of person she is. Then again, this entire thing is very out of character for her.
I wasn't the kind of person to have an affair, either. It was totally opposite of my character. I had become a wayward wife, and once that line of faithfullness is crossed........it becomes easier to go to the next level.
I have seen H's who would say that they chose to believe their W, but it did not change the fact that their W was cheating. And if she's cheating or acting out in some other way, you will not be able to "nice" her back into the MR.
I hope you will read the information in the links Cadet posted. They are packed with the information you need right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi to answer the questions you asked: she has never been medicated for what I perceive to be bipolar disorder. She was prescribed medication for it once, but she never actually took it. That doctor was not sure what she had however, he was "experimenting." So I cannot say with 100% certainty she is bipolar. Her mother most certainly is.
She received her Adderall at her first meeting with her new physician. The doctor essentially asked a few questions and wrote a script. No follow up at all. Pretty scary if you ask me.
I am most certainly looking for a reason to explain this away, and the Adderall logic could be just that. The timing is pretty suspect, however.
I am working my way thru Cadet's helpful resources right now.
Oops, missed one of your ?'s. She was given the Adderall essentially because she asked for it. She has a work friend who has told her the wonders of the drug, and she took an online test which suggested she might have ADHD. She came in seeking it.
This same work friend is (I think) a primary driver in this situation. She is a divorced mother of 2 who recently met her new "soulmate." She has never been one to hold back her opinion so I am sure she is preaching the glories of divorce. They have recently become very close.
Thanks for answering my questions. Yes, it is scary to think she can go see a new doctor to ask for Adderall and get without any type of diagnosis. That doctor may be supplying a lot of patients who want it for other reasons, but who knows.
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This same work friend is (I think) a primary driver in this situation. She is a divorced mother of 2 who recently met her new "soulmate." She has never been one to hold back her opinion so I am sure she is preaching the glories of divorce. They have recently become very close.
This is not uncommon to hear the WW is being heavily influenced by another single friend. I worked with a girl who was happily M, but she let another single co-worker influence her into divorcing her H! Needless to say, the girl was heartbroken when she saw her new single life was not everything her friend had claimed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sandi to answer the questions you asked: she has never been medicated for what I perceive to be bipolar disorder. She was prescribed medication for it once, but she never actually took it. That doctor was not sure what she had however, he was "experimenting." So I cannot say with 100% certainty she is bipolar. Her mother most certainly is.
Hi TLeft - first of all -I'm sorry that you're here. Second, I would caution you against trying to self diagnose your wife and leave it to the professionals, although it sounds like some of the professionals she brings into her life regarding her health are suspect. If you believe she might be ill - then I would encourage you to encourage her to seek medical assistance - should SHE broach the topic, and only if she broaches the topic.
The thing that I've learned about bipolar - is that it manifests differently in people and is hard as hell to figure out. My XH bomb dropped me, in his first manic episode EVER. We now know that he had a stress related break down, it triggered bipolar. He started taking an AD after bomb drop, which actually accelerated his mania, which, as stated - we didn't know was happening. So your fears about the medication are not unfounded - although some friends who are bipolar and take adderol haven't had similar experiences.
At BD my XH had a complete personality change and because EXTREMELY angry. Like - complete RAGE. It was extremely scary and traumatic. I didn't suspect it to be bipolar because his mania wasn't presenting "text book" for a lack of better words. My dad is bipolar and his mood swings are about as close to text book as possible - and when my XH didn't "look like" my dad, for a lack of better words - so, I didn't think it was bipolar. XH's mother is SEVERELY mentally ill (NPD, BPD and likely Bipolar as well) - but he wasn't presenting like her either. It was a real struggle trying to figure it out - and it took alot of begging and pleading and downright scary as [censored] situations over the course of six months before he would even agree to go to a psychiatrist.
When he received his diagnosis, I thought - "ok, we have an answer, now we can fix the marriage." But the reality is, the destruction to the marriage post BD (along with the issues each one of us respectively had before he became ill and the BD) was a bit more complicated - and not something that was able to be salvaged at this point in our lives.
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I am most certainly looking for a reason to explain this away, and the Adderall logic could be just that. The timing is pretty suspect, however.
Having a reason things happen, doesn't make it any easier. Trust me. For the first year after BD - I shouldered the entire blame for BD and the demise of our marriage. It took me to a very dark place. I had alot of "if only" thoughts. If only I had not taken my stress out on him. If only he had communicated with me how he felt. If only we hadn't put an offer in on our forever home....if only if only if only.
When he received his diagnosis - it took the weight off me a bit. There was suddenly a "reason" if you will. And like I said, I thought things could be fixed. However, just because he was mentally ill, it didn't invalidate the feelings that he had pre BD and post BD. Honestly, it just made things more complicated.
I'm 19 months post BD, 4 months post divorce - and it took 3 months of intensive therapy with someone who specializes in Bipolar, for my XH to start to have the dialogue about what happened - and this didn't happen until about a month or so ago. Apologizing for the nasty things he said when he left. For how he treated me during BD and post BD. For things that happened. It's still not entirely clear what was/is an actual marital issue, what was/is a FOO issue that was projected on our relationship and what/is the illness - but the consensus between him, his psychiatrist, and therapist are leaning heavily on FOO issues that projected into marriage and the illness.
And you know what? It doesn't make it any damn easier. Knowing that an illness contributed to the demise of my marriage. It doesn't help. It makes it even more of a bitter pill to swallow - because while marital and FOO issues can be resolved - unfortunately - Bipolar cannot.
I hope for your sake that it is not Bipolar or a medicated induced problem, because while the demise of any relationship is awful - having a contributing factor such as mental illness - is really, really tough. ---- My advice is to detach - and as quickly as possible. It is a roller coaster of emotions and IF your wife is ill, her illness will take you on a completely different roller coaster as well.
I would also encourage you to stop looking for reasons as to why this is happening. It could be because she's ill. It could be because the sun came up. It could be because mercury is in retrograde and the tide came in at 1:34am. Regardless, it's still happening - and knowing WHY it's happening, in my opinion, is not as important as SURVIVING it while its happening. You have to take care of you. Everything else will fall into place over time.
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M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
LISTEN TO SANDI2. She knows her stuff. Sounds like Calibri is also a great resource based on her experience. You are new to this, and so am I. My WW takes meds which I also want to blame. I was actually reading side effects today, but if she likes them and I am sure she like them, it doesn't matter and you cannot convince her otherwise. As Cali said, it doesn't matter why your here just focus on how to fix this. PATIENCE is huge now. It really doesn't matter why you are here, but you are, so am I. it [censored] big time. My WW said the same thing about cheating and disgust etc, but she did. Just like so many others that are here. Don't focus on the past or why you are here today besides understanding your faults and contributions. not easy. Step back and do less, i have a 72 hr rule. If i want to do something today, I DONT. I wait 72 hrs and rarely end up doing what I thought i wanted. I am not a vet, but there are a lot here. Listen to them and take their advice. It works, for your sanity and for your M.
