Overwhelming sadness and frustration. That about sums up the past week and a half. W told me she was unhappy and thinking she needed time apart on 3/6. We had a talk, a really good one. I told her I would work on things. We agreed to communicate more. She asked to go to counseling because she was afraid what would happen if the problems occurred again. Big mistake, I asked to work on it and see how things went, if we needed a counselor we could go later. For a few days things got MUCH better, and I was happier than I had been in a long time. She was also, she said as much herself.
Some background: W has been telling me she was unhappy for a long time. I was blind to it for the better part of 2 years. She spoke in her language (indirect) and I was focused on building a house for us, for our family to be. I was oblivious to the indirect appeals.
I fully admit I neglected her emotional needs. I didn't spend enough time with her and our sex life wasn't what it needed to be. Her indirect calls for help caused some resentment on my part. I was doing everything for the new house (no contractor - this was a 2-4 hour per day job.) I was doing 90% of the work at home and all while working a full time job. W cleaned once every two months if I was lucky and did laundry. The rest was on me. Yes, she was working and in part time grad school, but it still wasn't fair. How could she possibly ask me to spend more time with her and family when I'm running around like mad for her? W finally got more direct this month, but I think it was too late. Because after our talk on 3/6, she decided to leave.
I was blown away. If only I had seen how long she had felt this way I would have run into counseling. Now she is gone. She tells me she still loves me. In the same breath she tells me she wants a divorce, and that she is unwilling to go to counseling because she does not want to put in any more effort. Somehow in a single week she went from wanting to work to being totally unwilling. Right before she left she told me that me putting in so much effort recently was making things harder on her. I think she wanted me to fall completely on my face but I didn't.
When she left I made the usual mistakes in pursuit. I have now gone dark as of 3/16 while I try to get a plan in order. My pursuit efforts did at least net me information. I realized there may be medication involved. She started taking Adderall right after the talk (the day before she left). Apart from the general side effects (hyper independence, manic self expression), bipolar disorder is in her family and apparently Adderall can have a huge effect on a bipolar individual making the swings drastically more extreme. I got her to go to our pastor. The session was totally unproductive. She told him she had no interest in working on the marriage, that she was done. I got a bit of truth: she says I was holding her back in her career and that I was not a good enough person. That she married me to get out of her house and that now she was making me better but not the other way around. This is far from the truth. I admit that I am the grounded one, I do not encourage her to run out and take crazy career risks like her friends do. I have seen her devastated by her job before, and we have always wanted kids, so being grounded was important. But I sent her to grad school anyways and tried to be as supportive of her working her way up the career path (as compared to what she wanted: starting her own business as soon as she leaves grad school) She didn't see it as love. Now she tells me she never wanted the house either (she is the one who found the plan...)
I have realized my pursuit isn't helping because she is still in pain. Someone close to her suggested I pull back for a week and approach her again. This is contrary to what everyone else close to her was telling me (that she wants to see me fight for us.) She seems set on divorce. I want to at least try counseling and fix this. I am more than willing to give her space, and as painful as it will be there is going to be at least some period of separation. I think when I speak with her in a little less than a week I am going to start with a 180: encouraging her to open a bank account and separate finances so she can have some independence. (I have always been the caretaker, she complained (?) to the pastor about never having paid a bill.) But I am terrified to push her further away. Those close to her have also suggested that I try to appeal to her connection to God to get her to come into actual counseling. I think that is worth one last shot too. The reason can be so we can both fix our problems for the future, even if that does not involve each other. I am hoping the time makes her more receptive. If she misses me as much as I miss her I know it will.
What I am terrified of: 1) Losing her. 2) If this really is medicine, this is probably out of my hands. 3) She is a very determined person, and she sees me as neglectful. I am afraid that staying out of contact will reinforce this feeling of neglect (more of the same).
Thanks for listening. I have DR and DB being delivered to me today. Time to start reading. I see a lot of similar situations. Any insight is appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Any signs of an affair? Have you looked at her cell phone or texts?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
That is exactly what the pastor thought. He directly asked her if there was a third party involved. She got angry and avoided the question. The pastor persisted and she angrily denied it.
To answer the question directly, I have not looked for signs of an affair. I do not think that W would do that, it just isn't the kind of person she is. Then again, this entire thing is very out of character for her.
Hi TLeft. I am sorry you are going through the same thing as the rest of us here. This will be the worst possible experience of your life and yet you will survive and get through it.
As far as the A question. I just want to share what happened to me. I discovered what would seem to clearly be an A on social media. I confronted and WW denied. I dug further and found even more, again I confronted and she got angry told me she answered me and was not answering again. I caught her car at his house, took pictures of it, left before I got out of my car and killed him, text it to her, and yet she still denied it. He has been at her house often and she threatened S if he told me, he would never see me again!
My wife left her last relationship because he cheated on her and physically abused her. She always told me if she were to cheat she would just break up with me first and if I ever thought of cheating I should do the same. She always said she could never do that to her worst enemy. Apparently, she could to her husband.
I cannot tell you to snoop. I cannot tell you whether it is better or not to know. If you suspect, I cannot tell you whether it is better or not to confirm. I can only share my experience with you. I have no idea about your W, only you know your sitch.
I wish you the best of luck. Please work on yourself, read the threads sent to you and read the books.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Hi TLeft, my W denied it every time also no matter what, but i soon found it to be true.When they get to this stage they are a total different person. Read the threads that sandi2 has posted about wayward W, and you will see what i mean. Sorry you are here brother, but keep posting, and you will get some great advice from some good people here.
Sadly, you are experiencing what happens all too often. Your wife is rewriting history to suit her new plan. Hard to say if the meds are the driving force. Sounds like you both have had a lot on your plates with being your own contractor and grad school in addition to jobs.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
To answer the question directly, I have not looked for signs of an affair. I do not think that W would do that, it just isn't the kind of person she is. Then again, this entire thing is very out of character for her.
Yes, my WW used to hear about acquaintances who cheated on their spouses and said how they disgust her. I guess she doesn't hold herself to the same standard!
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
It's interesting that you say that. My wife has moved in with a couple she is friends with. A few weeks ago the woman left the man (was for a very short period, I don't even think overnight) and my W criticized her mercilessly. Preached on and on about being loyal to your spouse and about how she lost her mind that night. Pretty inconsistent with her actions now...
