I've been here more than once. I'm back again. This relationship with my wife has never been easy. It's been filled with breakups since we started dating about 10+ years ago. Long story short of the current go-round...
She was strongly considering leaving back in November. Our therapist tasked us with defining how our lives would look if we separated. I didn't do the task since I didn't want to think about it. She didn't do it saying it was too hard and she'd rather work on the relationship.
Less than a week ago she told me she should have done the task then rather than taking the easy road. She says we wouldn't be together if it weren't for the kids (1.5, 4). She said it isn't fair for either of us if she stays in this relationship. She said she knows what I need in a relationship and doesn't care and doesn't want to give it to me (my love language). I sat quietly taking this information in. I felt myself getting very angry and told her so and left for the evening. Despite seeing each other every day (still living together), we haven't talked about it since. We are pleasant to each other's faces and overly engaged with the kids. Other than that she avoids me.
I've been spending the last handful of days thinking about the ways I went wrong again. Too stressed, too angry, too short, etc, etc. I keep falling back on these ways. Looking back, she had pointed it out too, but I was too consumed in myself to realize the severity of her comments.
I called my MD and upped my anxiety meds the next day.
I've been nothing but kind to her since this news. I tried hard to validate. I follow Sandy's tips. Dress nice, be positive, etc. I've learned to mostly compartmentalize my life. While my marriage is not good, I'm still able to function and focus on the good parts (work, kids).
However, I can't help but feel that my niceness is being taken advantage of. She's going out frequently, knowing I'll watch the kids. She seems very checked out more so than ever before. I don't feel like she's wavering on her decision like she's done in the past. It feels more real.
There's also a part of me that feels it's about time to get off this roller-coaster. I'm just at a loss as to how things would look with the kids, home, schools, etc.
This will be my thread... any tips, suggestions, and words of encouragement are more than welcome.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Sorry you are back. It sounds like you have already started db'ing. But not a bad idea to retread everything. I hope we can be of support to you and you find strength here.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Many of us, even like me that is new to this site, have been down this road with our S before. One of the biggest reasons I want to settle this situation now, is that I don't think that I can do it again. I'm sorry you are back, but in my uneducated mind, things were not resolved the last time around. GAL, as if, etc. for you.. Get your mind, heart and emotions right.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
You have been going takip therapy with your S. That's good. You will be able to discuss with guidance. Just remember the points you have learned about marrriage. And keep reading all Self Help books. Hang in there. Everything will be fine.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cadet will stop by soon with your homework. Make sure you read all of it. I recommend reading it a few times.
Is your W having an affair?
Thank you- I don't think she is, but unfortunately it wouldn't surprise me. At this point I'd rather not know for sure. It wouldn't change my actions but would consume my every thought.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
You have been going takip therapy with your S. That's good. You will be able to discuss with guidance. Just remember the points you have learned about marrriage. And keep reading all Self Help books. Hang in there. Everything will be fine.
I�ve been thinking about the things I�ve learned in therapy over the last few months. She says she needs more support around the house and with the kids. She needs to feel taken care of and cared for. She needs me to be less anxious.
A 180 would be to do these things to the extreme. But I don�t know how I could do them given our current situation. Would that per her in cake-eating mode? Or do I just go for it anyway since I don�t have many options?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
---thoughts on anxiety and depression--- She�s been on Zoloft coming up on a year for anxiety and depression. It�s definitely helped with her anxiety. Fights are less severe. But she now seems even more selfish. She loves it and calls it a miracle drug. I started taking Buspar for anxiety (no depression) back in November. I never realized how severe my anxiety was but Buspar has really helped. It�s still a work in progress. I know for a fact (she�s said so) that my anxiety has been a large issue. She never noticed it until after she started taking Zoloft, but now it�s very apparent to her. My anxiety had been out of control the last month or so, but I failed to notice as this awareness of my mental state is new to me.
---shifting thoughts to recent interactions--- Yesterday morning she made a comment that stung. She liked how I was dressed and said, �I like that shirt, you should wear that style every day� not that it matters.� I simply responded, �thanks!� Last night she left for a couple hours after dinner to go shopping with a friend. I had a great time playing with the kids and putting them to bed. I think I�m noticing a decrease in my anxiety. Things the kids do that would historically get me on edge didn�t seem to matter. When W got home I was watching a dramatic TV show. She sat in the other room on the computer. Normally we don�t watch dramatic shows. She doesn�t like them and I prefer comedies. But for some reason this one was interesting to me. I�m now wondering if I should stick to watching comedies when she may be around as a way to be more inviting to her. We went to bed at about the same time (still the same bed, but no touching). We had a light joking conversation. She laughed a lot and held my arm saying, �thank you, I needed this.� This morning she let me know, �I put gas in YOUR car last night.� We never had clear �ownership� of our vehicles. In the past the comment would have been, �I put gas in THE car.�
---shifting thoughts to D--- On to the other side of the coin� I�ve been thinking about D. There are two parts that scare me. I would stand for 50% custody. I believe she would agree to it based on conversations long ago. What I struggle greatly with is logistics. I don�t know how people manage preschool, daycare, kindergarten, etc. as a part time single parent with a demanding full time job. I�ve been spoiled with a spouse that works full time but much of it from home. My other great struggle with D is my very small social circle. I�ve been labeled an introvert but after learning more about my anxiety I think I may have more social anxiety than anything. I love to be around people, but the planning and actively participating exhausts me. I find it easier to sit at home, but then I�m lonely. I built my life around W and the kids. A future without her terrifies me.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
