The abbreviated version (believe it or not!): Married almost 30, no kids. BD 1/11/15 – sort of. I saw an email she received from her lawyer. I also looked at her phone texts that morning and verified the OM, an old classmate she’s been seeing a lot as she’s active in her high school reunion (which get together frequently).
She moved out of the MBR beginning of last year, claiming her back hurt in the big bed. I believed her. 8/15 I got the ILYBINILWY, please move out. I went into denial, and tried to do what I could to get her to come around. She wouldn’t do counseling, then announced she didn’t want to separate, but wanted a D. She finally agreed to counseling, only to go there to say there was no way it would work.
So, on 1/11 when I find out the 2 horrible things, I grabbed clothes and moved in with my elderly early-stage alzheimer’s Mother, who we moved into an investment property down the street.
W is WAW and having MLC – second one. Probably more. I've only been through DR 1.5 times so far. W’s on a huge health kick, lost tons of weight, dieting, exercise, invisalign braces, the whole nine yards.
She’s been the major bread winner the past 8 years, and I’ve been helping her in her real estate career. Enough so that her clients talk about how we work together as a team in the video interviews I’ve done. I do all the marketing, collateral, video, photography, virtual tours, inspections, handy-man stuff, put out signs etc. As she has dietary needs, I’ve also done all the cooking for years.
Lately, everything I do has been wrong. From telling her not to worry about helping in the kitchen (something she now apparently really wanted to do) to me being a total bastard when driving and she won’t get in a car with me (road trips together up to now have been our favorite thing together). I could go on and on, but I can detail this out later on.
The OM is an accountant, so she’s been planning this for a long time. Amazing how they lead a secret life, isn’t it? The MLC IMO came about because of health issues with our parents, as well as losing a lot of near and dear friends recently. Something also snapped when she tried to change brokerages a year ago, and it went horribly wrong. I was on her side and never pushed her to change – but that was the beginning of this whole thing.
Her excuse is that I will never change, that she’ll never be able to retire (she sure won’t now – we’re going to lose everything at pennies on the dollar and the lawyers will pick the bones), I’ve always been awful, it’s always been bad – you’ve heard it all – I’ve seen it here! 30 years of abject terror apparently.
Sex hasn’t been good – it’s been over a year and a half. Lots of reasons for that, which I can detail way too much. It's both our faults - but for her just me. Her parting shot was that I should have come in and ravaged her when she moved out of the bedroom – and I was trying to give her the space I thought she was asking for. She even complained that we didn’t ML on our honeymoon night, forget the night before or after. It was a pretty long, crazy day. I was actually floored she remembered that – because I didn’t, and don’t. I just remember some really great times.
But that’s how it is, right?
Her parents are on my side, which has from what I can tell from her “mirror self” assistant ticked her off. I’ve stolen them away. No, they know she’s lied to them as well, has an OM and is throwing everything away.
My problem now? I’m out of the house, now locked out – her assistant said I moved out because I have a suitcase – and that gives her the right. We are not communicating at all – except when I ask for access to the house to retrieve items. That’s via email. Her assistant lets me in, and harangues me the whole time. She has our dog, and won’t let me see Daisy. Daisy is 12, has a bad heart and this could be her last summer.
Unbeknownst to the W, I have full access to her cloud and email. I have been after all her IT and administrator, own all her domains and email. Luckily, she hasn’t thought about this. I don’t want to snoop, but I do want to see her D strategy, which I have. My very existence enrages her. She wants everything, and is going to lie to get it. My best friend in the world. I thought my soul mate. Since the house is right around the corner, I literally have to close my eyes. Valentine's was rough. I saw that her Niece spent the night to take care of Daisy so she could be with the OM. It really hurts, doesn't it?
An example of how sick she’s become: For Christmas my Mother gave her a pearl necklace, that she had been given for an engagement present from my Step Father. I couldn’t tell my Mother what was going on between us – and at that point still hoped as we had another therapy session planned. W excepted it knowing full well she was filing for D 2 weeks later. My Mother is too much of a lady to ask for it back.
Anyway, I think it’s over. Reading what she says in her statements to the lawyer are heartbreaking. I can’t work up that same amount of rage – and will have to leave it to the lawyers. I’ve had to hire a forensic accountant to try to protect my Trust which she’s going after. Being a loving, trusting husband I had no problems co-signing deeds and homes with her. She even used to say “divorce is not an option”, joking I’d have to sleep sometime. I sort of wish she had killed me in my sleep.
I never hit the “anger” phase, I went straight to depression. I’ve been there a month, a deep, dark hole. I’ve been trying to GAL, however with my Mother starting a rapid downhill slide, it’s getting hard. Especially since she’s funding the lawyer at this point. The W has everything. Possibly even a secret bank account if I read correctly. That would explain how she’s funding the lawyers.
The lawyers are fast-tracking the D, it could all be over by spring. Everything we've built together, the art collection, the home, the furniture - all just stuff. But to erase 30 years - all the memories. Wow. For now all I can do is pray, and try to not go insane. Figuring out how to GAL is going to be a challenge though. More than the average person.
Today, I went out on a bike ride for a couple of hours, and felt better than I have in weeks. It was a beautiful day, 80 degrees. I get back, and my Mother, even though she promised to sit and watch TV (I got her everything she'd need before I left) started moving things (rummaging is a symptom of Alzheimer's), and fell. She scraped the skin off of her arm and hit her head.
I simply cannot leave the house. If I leave for 20 minutes to go to the store something always happens, if I leave for over an hour it’s near catastrophic. The money I would use to get her 24 hour care is now having to be spent on lawyers and accountants – to protect not only what’s mine, but what’s hers. Disgusting. And, a prison of my own making.
Anyway, like I said I can go into much greater detail, this has just skimmed the surface. Post often and briefly and hit 100, right? I'll get my primer from Cadet (I've read them all) and pray somebody has a thread I can grab onto.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So sorry you are here 1313 but be glad that you found us. This site is an incredible resource. I can tell that you've already done your research and you know what you need to do so just get started. Come and post often; we are here for you. It will be painful and working through the DB process won't take away the pain. But it does give you a path forward. Regardless of the outcome of your M, you've got to take care of you and the DB process will help you.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Sorry to hear about your sitch 1313. I do not know what state you live in so despite being an attorney, cannot give any legal advice. Sounds like you are already getting it though. I will say I do not think you are able to share any emails from her to her lawyers, with your attorneys. Before you show them anything, tell them what you are about to show them first so they can tell you whether it would breach an ethical standard.
As far as your WW, I would recommend you read and reread Sandi's rules and Sandi's reflections. Then tailor it to your specific sitch. I have found tons of good info in there. Mainly the giving space and detaching. Remember don't believe anything she says and 50% of what she does. If you asked my WW I am gay and my lack of having sex with her drove her to this. Its funny how history is rewritten because I remember things very much different. After reading Sandi's posts I think their verbal attacks are a way of showing you, they have lost all respect for you. I also think its a way to deal with the guilt.
Good luck to you! There are a lot more insightful people, than me, on this board that can help you!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Hi TimR (and everyone) thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm in California. Thing is, my W forgot that she shared her cloud with me (microsoft one drive), so it's literally like a folder sitting on my desktop. While I won't share specifics or things like email where there would be an assumption of privacy, I'm certainly going to give them her strategies (lies though they may be) for taking certain assets.
Sorry I wasn't around to answer yesterday, as it was a long day at the doctors with my Mother.
Like many of you, disconnecting is a huge issue. In fact, about 18 years ago my wife moved out of the house, and I was completely accepting of it. I think at that point she was having an emotional relationship - and I was more of a "good riddance" mind. But after 30 years - you sort of think you've been through all of it.
Whether or not this is a combination of things like a late MLC thrown in - I sort of think it is. I got a confirmation on the credit card - she's going off to the Hard Rock Hotel for a little stay before she goes off to a high school reunion outing with the OM for spring training baseball in AZ. Holy smokes, almost 60 and that's where she's staying? Of course she wouldn't have been caught dead in a place like that a year ago. I believe that nobody knows in her high school group what is going on (save her assistant who is in denial), so they're keeping it on the low down. Like you say, believe 50% of what she does. This could actually be a wake up call to her - but who knows.
She's leaving for a company trip tomorrow, and giving Daisy to a friend to take care of. Of course it's hurtful she won't let me take her, but I would expect nothing else.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
That's a bit of my dilemma Sandi - I have no way of telling what works as far as the W and M. I don't see her, there's zero contact and she's taken all the friends who assume I'm the one doing this. I am literally on an island now.
She'd have no idea if I did a 180, GAL, was hanging out in gay bars or got hit by a bus. Well, she'd probably find out about the bus.
I've been wanting to give her Mother a copy of DR so she'd understand what happened to her daughter. (her parents are freaking out) Then I considered asking her to give one to the W. I doubt that would be perceived by her as pursuing coming from her Mother - but who knows. Maybe just see if that's the natural course it runs?
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Welcome to the club no one wants to ever join. You are in good company.
First off, this is very early in your situation and you are going to feel FEAR like never before. Your world will feel like its crumbling around you.
It's critical that you stay calm. Whenever you start to panic, come vent here and we will talk you off the ledge.
Slow down and focus on taking it one day at a time. Read up on other people's situations and see what you can learn from them.
Consider your W as having been abducted by an alien because her behavior will be like nothing you've seen before. She is addicted at the moment and under the influence of OM. The chemicals in her brain are mimicing the effects of drugs (Im not kidding).
You will need to have LOTS of patience so prepare yourself. Lots of couples have come back from this even when it seemed impossible.
Have some patience 1313. Work on you right now. Remember GAL is for you not for her. So go out and have some fun (yeah like any of us early in our sitch can just do that, if we could it wouldn't hurt so much). Better... find something you can indulge in that takes your mind off your sitch, even if for the briefest of times. I happen to be very obsessive compulsive so my sitch NEVER leaves my mind but when I do get a work out in, I find that for that 1 hour I am at peace. I hope you too can find something you enjoy that will get you out of your head for a bit.
BTW I was in the Navy and stationed in CA... Loved it! CA not the Navy so much.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
