WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[broke]

Trumpet - I have been reading your posts but this is my first time commenting. I just wanted to say how sorry I am about your situation. It's so hard to watch the people we loved for so long turn into strangers that do unthinkable things. Stay strong for yourself and your kiddos. ((Hugs))

[trumpet]

Georgia, Mowgli, broke - thank you all. It's been a tough few days.

We had an irate customer tonight, she was super emotionally charged. Was crying, then laughing, then angry... all because she herself didn't commit to a vehicle, and it sold today, before she could buy it.

Much of her behavior was just like my wifes. I felt very sad for her, and stayed calm.

I'm the new sheriff in town, and the salesperson, who is a vet, told me I should go into therapy, as I knew what to do with her, to de-escalate the sitch, and actually produce the option for a sale with her tomorrow.

So, I have a bit of hope that I've changed. Still have no hope in wife coming around. She is not one to admit that she's wrong, well... ever.

I think there are a couple condos up the street that look interesting. Anyone have a condo here? If so, will a condo association let me turn a 2 bedroom into a 3 bedroom?

[Free]

Hey Trumpet. It's been a while since I've been on and I'm sorry to see where you are right now. I'm praying for you.
Regardless of what happens, know that things will get better. Not now, and not soon, but they will.
Hang in there and be well.

[trumpet]

With the kids today and tomorrow. W is getting drunk with a friend tonight. Tomorrow is church and cleaning the house. W wants to work all day on Sunday...ok, whatever. That was what she was complaining that I did!

Pastor and either an elder or another pastor want to talk to us both about the divorce. I think they're concerned w is doing the D for unbiblical reasons. At this point I don't care. The storm isn't on the horizon; its here. I'm batting down the hatches. Time to be ready for the ship to battle the storm. I shall overcome the storm; the storm shall not overcome me.

[trumpet]

Pastor and an elder had a talk with us on Sun. night.
I was in Chicago for a couple days on work.
Posting tonight quickly to tell you that pastor and elder both witnessed my wife confess to her EA still, just in a round-a-bout way, but they recognize she is hurting, looks strung-out, and is cold/emotionless with others. Almost as if her soul is supressed.

Pastor also witnessed my wife drive off after talking with me. She is in denial about the EA - she has others now believing it's just a friend, and I'm convinced that the D is just a way for her to reconcile the wrongness of her decisions.

I can't stop the train. I have come to accept what is going to happen.
On the way back from Chicago I had a nice bout of lonliness. I did some prayer, stopped and got some coffee, and I worked through the uncomfortable feelings. Still a little off tonight - my counseling homework on addictions talked about what penalties/damages have my addiction caused, and I had to admit and put pen to paper stating that my marriage is likely done because of my porn addiction. My wife's history and her own demons helped to put us here, and really, if wife wanted to reconcile and worked hard on us, we'd be back to working on things.

I just think it will not end in reconciliation at this time. Continuing to work on myself, but getting to the gym with the new job is proving difficult. My new manager job does seem to be calming down a bit, though.

Wife texted me to 'have a nice time' in Chicago - the first really positive text I have gotten from her in a couple weeks. I just said thanks and moved on.

I'm actually not even home yet - going to pack up and get home, which is about 15 min. away. Trying to get some homework for work and for my addictions group done.

If anyone is still reading my thread, it would make me feel better to hear your opinions. Like I said, was a lonely day today. I'll be better tomorrow, I know... but keep posting. I promise I will.

[PigPen]

Hear this from someone else who has addiction as a component in the downfall of his M Trumpet - it's not 100% your fault. I mean that. I've had a lot of people tell me the same thing. Sure it's a contributing factor, but there are a lot of contributing factors in an M. Your wife played her role, you played yours.

I will venture to say that your addiction was also a reaction to your M as much as a challenge in it. I know mine was. We find ways to cope, cover up, numb from, and dissociate from what's hurting us. Or from the ways we need to express ourselves and can't. In your case the branch was porn. Had it not been porn, the root would have chosen another way of you acting out. I'm not saying we weren't without fault, but addiction is multifaceted.

The one thing that is true about it is what you do with it moving forward. Does it come back now that you're in hell? I don't think so. You use the recovery from your addiction as the stepping stone to healing your life. Porn was the manifestation, now you're working on the causes. And you're doing so openly and bravely. I still argue that porn is the secret addiction in the world. We have numbers for everything else because people crash cars, end up OD'ing, or otherwise destroy their health and lives, but porn can be kept a secret forever. All the while it silently decimates families, and people's lives.

So celebrate what you can my friend. You're clean. You're working a program. You're facing your demon like a boss. No matter what happens in your M, your life is going to be amazing. I speak from experience. I wouldn't take my W back if it meant living in a dissociated manner again. I couldn't do it. Neither could you.

Now you're up leveling. You went from JV to Varsity. You can never go back. The game would be too slow and boring. You're permanently on Varsity now. Next will be NCAA, then the Pro's. Every up level brings new responsibilities, new abilities, things you fall in love with, and a chitload of stuff you simply can't tolerate any more. You just won't be around it, it will repulse you. You'll be shocked you ever allowed situations in your life to exist that you did. And you'll know that you did by numbing out to do so.

Welcome to the rest of your life Trumpet. This chapter still has some land mines in it, but they won't last forever. And once you're through them, the view...oh the view, it will take your breath away. Rd asked me once, "Now that you're a man only a fool would leave, what does that make your WAW?" I ask you the same.

Keep striving Trumpet, keep being bold, and brave, and honest. Life's amazing.

Sober hugs to you,

PP

[Zues126]

You are responsible for contributing to a marriage that was difficult.

She is 100% responsible for choosing to abort the marriage. This wasn't your choice, it was hers. Saying you are responsible would be like telling a woman she is responsible for being raped because she wore suggestive clothing. It is appalling to me.

I appreciate wanting to be accountable for your shortcomings, and putting your energy into what you can control. I agree with all of that. It doesn't do any good focusing on your STBX. So by all means put the focus on you and only you. But I'd also say put the focus on the present and only the present. Don't look into the future. Just focus on the here and now, and take care of business. Time will pass and the road will be revealed. Don't worry about where it leads, if you take the right steps it will go where you're supposed to be.

I agree with what GB said about being careful of embracing the title of being 'the addict that destroyed your marriage'. I'm ok with you following your bishop's or counselors guidance to a point, in a confidential setting. But it is tempting to take on more than our share of burden to appear fair, just, etc. But it is actually false humility. And it is a covert contract. It has the expectation that if you are unfair in her favor that she will recognize that, or that God will and will praise you for it. But you know perfectly well you didn't end the marriage. Any more than your W did by withdrawing sexually from you. God helps those that help themselves too. Own your mistakes, but don't try to outrighteous her. Your kids need you. Just let it all go, and do what you need to do today.

[Zues126]

Oh..and I forgot in my earlier rant...

Had your STBX asked you to quit porn and recommit to your marriage, stating she would do whatever she could to rebuild, and address her neglect of your needs, but that she couldn't live in a marriage in which you used porn continuously...if you had declined this, and she had then initiated a separation, and created some space for personal healing, to work on herself, and to allow you both the time to see what life was like on your own, all the while being open to revisiting reinvesting in your M...if after a few years of separation you compounded your porn with affairs and other women...THEN she could go ahead and file, knowing there wasn't more she could do.

Instead she got frustrated, had extramarital connections with another man, felt she was missing something, bomb dropped you, and never looked back despite your willingness to address your contributions to the breakdown of the M.

Night and day my friend. Night and day.

That's why I am so firm on 1) staying married, and 2) if there is a TRUE reason that separation is unavoidable, that the exiting spouse should separate and remain single and uninvolved for several years and stand by their failing M. It is the ONLY way to avoid having the WAS influenced (tricked?) by the hopes of a better R. If the WAS is comparing the M at it's worst to the fantasy of a new R in their mind at it's best, well, the M will lose. But if there was a 3-5 year window of remaining married but separated, people might not be so quick to walk, and they would likely have time to see their partner change in ways the were convinced were impossible.

[Mowgli]

Trump,

You're doing really, really well... mean that.

Keep up the awesome work!

[tl2]

Trumpet,

Zues and PigPen gave you excellent feedback. Take it to heart!