To summarize, see my signature. Also, I am inpatient. Trying to reconcile with a WW who has been resistant to NC stips, has issues a stay order for the divorce (3 months, plus another 3 months of cool-down time in the D). I hold resentment/hurt in my heart for the PA and EA. Still clean! 90+ days. Changed the way I see the Marriage. Now hoping wife will want to work on relationship. Currently, is just trying to not hate me. Withdrawls from EA. Living together. Mostly calm, SSRI helps. Changing jobs - more stress, but promotion (blessing) in the middle of the storm. Seeing that I need to find my happy. Balance in life, more exercise.
Join the discussion!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Ha ha - I said inpatient. Well, I guess I could be clinically diagnosed and admitted...
Impatient, if you will.
Can we make up and live happily ever after NOW? This 'it will take months/years' thing is really getting to me.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Can we make up and live happily ever after NOW? This 'it will take months/years' thing is really getting to me.
Trumpet-that made me laugh. I have that feeling quite often and it is reality isn't it.
Hope you are doing well and take it day by day...easier said than done!
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
One thing I've learned from all this is that "Happily ever after" takes constant work. Like a garden, if you stop tending to a marriage it becomes overgrown and unmanageable....
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I think you need to back way, way off and see what happens.
It seems like every time you get to the point where you are fed up, that's the time she comes back to you.
see what happens when you back way off. Worst case scenario is that you're just further ahead of the game when it comes to getting to the place you want to be. Best case scenario: she panics, comes around, and you get to start again. Slowly.
To me, the way fairy tales end, "and they lived happily there after", implies they did not have any problems in life nor did they have to work at their happiness.......it just happened, is the real fantasy in the stories.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The advice to back off on A's and let them run their course is terrible advice. Why? Because while you're saying nothing, the AP is filling their heads with everything they want to hear and the betrayed spouse is offering no counter-argument.
So when is it, "you have to stay close so that you have opportunities to DB and rebuild a connection" and when is it "you have to go dark and if in an in-house situation, get them out"?
Tx, what you said seems to go against the going dark theory. What are you saying and in what tone to what she is hearing? I assume she would be hearing, "what we have is true love", "I want you to move in with me and we can share expenses", "I know your husband put you through hell all those years, I will make you happy". Maybe you can come up with a bunch of things you know were being said in your sitch. Can you expand more on your comment?
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
The advice to back off on A's and let them run their course is terrible advice. Why? Because while you're saying nothing, the AP is filling their heads with everything they want to hear and the betrayed spouse is offering no counter-argument.
So when is it, "you have to stay close so that you have opportunities to DB and rebuild a connection" and when is it "you have to go dark and if in an in-house situation, get them out"?
Tx, what you said seems to go against the going dark theory. What are you saying and in what tone to what she is hearing? I assume she would be hearing, "what we have is true love", "I want you to move in with me and we can share expenses", "I know your husband put you through hell all those years, I will make you happy". Maybe you can come up with a bunch of things you know were being said in your sitch. Can you expand more on your comment?
I'll give my thoughts on this...
I'm agains the "going dark theory" not because of anything OM might say or do (because OM really isn't your competition - Satan is). My problem with Trumpet backing off and "going dark" or detaching in this situation at this moment in time is because it's a very delicate time where the ONLY thing that matters is "no contact". What she says or does means nothing in the long term grand scheme of things other than maintaining "no contact". A withdrawing [addicted[ wayward mind is doing all it can to generate just one more reason to have one more contact with the affair partner....TODAY. If you (the betrayed husband back off, detach or otherwise "go dark" on a withdrawing wayward wife then you MAY BE helping her justify and rationalize breaking the only commitment (no contact) that matters.
She'll think things like:
1. See BH's changes weren't real - he's gone back in one week to being a neglectful uncaring independent behaving prick.
2. Well, BH is off having fun and I'm bored ....maybe I'll spend 6 hours stalking OM, his friends and family on Facebook and another few hours just going through and cataloging every memory of OM I have.
3. Screw this - I'm not losing OM for this - the longer I'm away from him the more I realize he must be my soulmate and God intends for us to be together and it's not like my husband gives a crap.
A truly withdrawing wayward wife who maintains "no contact" with some loser that she thinks she's in love with is trying.
Maybe an analogy would help - think back to when all of us were young idealists in high school. Imagine being in love with someone - dating them intensely for 6 months or more - you had to do it secretly because the person was an off-limits religion or race - and then having your parents tell you that you weren't allowed to date or see that person anymore. Imagine the difficulty you'd have honoring your parents wishes/demand. Imagine the hostility and rebellion you'd feel.
All that is out the window if she's not really in "no contact". I truly hope your wife is genuinely conflicted over giving up her family for OM (who lives out of state) and even though it's tortuous, she knows there is no future with OM for her. However, way wards are notorious for playing both sides of the fence with sincerity (yeah, she's conflicted but ain't really deciding for sure TODAY). It's possible OM told her she needed to sort out her marriage/divorce FIRST before he'd be with her. Maybe she thinks it'll make for better appearances for her to FILE the divorce - telling OM it's filed (maybe he was getting cold feet wondering if she was ever seriously going to leave you) - but put the filing "on hold" while she just continues cake eating while acting to everyone like she's giving it her best try and/or while she tries to convince you (and everyone else) that's it's just not going to work and therefore....maybe...everyone (including you) will go along with her plan to eventually be with OM and amicably divorce. Sometimes they (way wards) even ask the OM to back off and give them space to TRY reconciliation so they can look good to the OM. They like making the OM squirm and chase them or they actually do TRY (so they can simply say they tried) but in the meantime can't actually follow through with "no contact" because, like teenagers being told not to date so and so - they will sneak around and do it anyway. Remember - if OM is the back up plan - OM is single and can choose to leave her and/or date others anytime he wants so pushing him aside for long is usually way too risky for a "in love" wayward wife to handle....so despite best or half honest intentions they continue the affair contact underground and work both sides. They contact OM to keep him in check (and in love with her or just as her backup plan) AND act like they are in "no contact" so they can claim "they tried" while convincing themselves, you and everyone else that it's ALL YOUR FAULT and it's never going to work.
I kind of went in circles there but the point is - "no contact" isn't always a full on effort to reconcile. Sometimes it's just appearances. Usually it's a combination of everything I mentioned at various points in time. The point is - a withdrawing wayward wife is a monster of contradictions, good and bad intentions, hope and despair all in one. You just gotta get through it.
Another random thought -
She is trying to convince you that she is never going to ever be able to love you again. That you are a terrible person and haven't changed.....etc., etc., etc.
.......YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE. .......YOU ARE LOVABLE
Don't let the anger of her demons projecting their hatred on you deter your resolve. I reckon that as a husband and wife are 'one flesh' the demons in her are 'in you' too - and whispering all sorts of unhopeful things in your ears. Don't believe Satan. Your wife is not disposable. She is redeemable and capable of being more than she ever was (just like you) and more than her mother ever was (just like you can be better than your father). She'll either come around to repentance or not in her God's time (which you can help out with by holding her accountable to 'no contact' as best you can for the next few weeks) or not. Ultimately, your wife's choices (to have an affair....to disrespect and demean you...to reconcile or not) DO NOT define you as a man.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
