What did I learn in the last day? My wife has been talking to EA OM for 3 days. That she can spew with the best of them. That she has changed all her passwords on her email, FB, and phone. That I haven't been served...yet. That I can still get angry when someone hurts me - I have been very calm in the last month or so.
I have decided I will not be a doormat. However, after lots of prayer this afternoon, God's Grace wins again. I had actually thought that I might counter-file tomorrow. Does it make sense to do so? I don't think in my situation it will help. I am seeing another lawyer in the next few days to find out. Not being a doormat means I don't have to hang around my wife, trying to reconcile when there isn't anyone to reconcile with. I will be back to full-on GAL/DB'ing. I will need to see a wife fully repentant for her EA, and full commitment to a NC, including letter.
When that will happen, I don't know. I just know I'm not at the end of my rope...yet. After praying, I realize that being here, supporting the kids, is what I need to do. After I decided what to do, literally within 15 minutes I get a call from my D14. 'Dad, what REALLY happened last night? I heard a lot of what was said'. I asked her what do you think happened? She summarized things pretty well, and then let me know she called W.
D14 told W that 'Mom, what you're doing is wrong, and I don't like it. I don't like you talking to this other guy. I want you to stop'. Out of the mouths of babes... I asked D14 if mom said anything, and she said no, there was lots of silence, and mom had to go.
I don't know what's going on inside her brain, but she's really messed up. Would I leave my wife at the hospital with cancer? No. Would I not be there for her when she asked? No. Now, I'm getting the emotional c%^p kicked out of me, but I can see the spew for what it is.
I think this is where most people would have had enough. And I thought I was there. But I'm not. God's grace is sufficient.
Now, I'm not going to be pushed over. I will be conversing with my WW much less than I have - back to being pithy, and working on myself. I'm going to repeat to myself all night 'I will no longer snoop, I will no longer snoop...'.
My kids want a family. I want my family back. My wife does - just when her willfully disobiedent, selfish side isn't talking.
I'm exhausted, and it's not even 5PM here. Ugh. Mental anguish does that to you.
The Holy Spirit will do His work at the appointed time. If I stumbled in my porn addiction, and my wife found out a week after I tried to be clean, would she drop me like it's hot? I hope not. I hope I get a second, a third, a forth shot. If I deserve it, so does she. Now, if this was a PA, I might feel differently.
I will not leave this house. My kids need stability. I can give that to them. I will be the rock on which this family is built. I will use the strength in me to show love to all in this house, whether they deserve it or not.
I do think I'll get served in the next 2 days. All I can do is work on myself. When the clock starts, it will be another day.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Trumpet, I am sorry for the loss of your marriage.
What I hope for you is that you can detach. Most of your last post is still about whether or not you could still R someday, what that would look like, how that could happen, how you can stay open to that spiritually, etc.
For me, hope wasn't useful. It wasn't until I let go of hope that I was able to detach. When I allowed myself to accept that my marriage was over, that my WW wasn't going to hit rock bottom in the foreseeable future, that the loss was real and unavoidable...at that point I was able to start making progress towards acceptance. I was able to detach.
I say prepare for the worst. Believe in your heart and mind your marriage is over. Accept it. Let go of hope.
I am not saying to burn bridges. I am not saying to find another woman. I am not saying to counter file. I am saying to EMOTIONALLY let go. This is what NO EXPECTATIONS is about.
If something changes you will figure it out. Cross that bridge if you come to it. But the constant wondering what the chances are, if so how long will it take, if so how would that work, if so would you still be open, etc, etc...it is CRAZY making. It hurts to even read. I have been there. It took me about 3 months as well. Then finally $hit hit the fan, I saw the full magnitude of the situation, and I got off the roller coaster.
Detachment is needed both for your life and sanity, and for hers. As long as you're attached to her, as long as you have emotional reactions to whether she's moving towards you or towards OM...she will continue to pull away just because she wants to be free of you. Look at it like someone with a phobia of spiders, finding a spider on them. They aren't thinking, they are reacting, they are panicked, they want to get away from the spider. Right now she has Trumpet Phobia. She just needs to break the connection that you have and get away. If you don't let her, she will keep running. Now whether or not she decides later that she overreacted and decides to try to conquer her arachnophobia I don't know. But I'd operate with the assumption she will not.
I really believe that both of you have to go on separate journeys. There is a good chance those journeys won't meet again. But neither of you can start your journey until you let go.
Detachment means being able to know she shacked up with OM and shrugging. It means hearing her spew at you and shrugging. It impacts you no more than if you saw it happen to someone else on the news. Not a happy story, but whatever. You get there by accepting the reality that this is happening. You also need to focus on GAL, so that your emotional needs can be met elsewhere. The more you meet your own needs, the less you'll feel like your marriage is necessary for your happiness. Some people are afraid of losing their loving feelings for their spouse, but that is actually the goal. The most loving thing you can do is stop loving her. Marriage isn't about love or any feelings. If God has it in His plans for you two to R someday he'll find a way to allow feelings to renew. Instead take care of yourself, acknowledge the reality, get support for your grief, meet your own needs, and set firm boundaries to protect yourself financially and emotionally. This is the real journey, and I think you're ready for these next steps.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I realize that being here, supporting the kids, is what I need to do.
If you can hang in there and do it with some measure of strength on your part, detach and GAL and get sucked into her storm, then that is awesome. Think about 10 years from now: what do you want the kids to remember about you during this time?
You can't control what your W does, but you can lead your kids through this and show them how a man looks after his kids.
She was annoyed I was home early tonight. I paid her no heed. Got kids supper ready. I'm becoming the chef-in-residence. My wife used to make many more of the meals - I'm doing that now. When she got home she went straight to texting people on the couch - OM? Mom? You know what? I didn't care! I did walk by and she quick put the phone down, so it was probably OM.
She did go to church tonight, and came home about 45 later than she should have. Her guilt is still wearing on her. She even wore her wedding ring today, which I thought wasn't a possibility after last night.
Still, I'm beginning to just catalog these events. To realize I have to see a whole lot more of them, like a dump truck full of them, to really start to think my wayward is coming around.
I got a sniff of the fog lifting in the last month. I have to realize that this fog might not ever lift - Zues is right. I'm preparing for the worst. I'm expecting to be served papers tomorrow, and I'm fine with it. I really don't care to live under this 60 day 'trial period' my wife concocted. File/don't file... I'm working a different plan right now.
My only big concern is how I'll know when the fog has lifted. If it doesn't, do I secretly care? I'll hurt, and mourn for the kids, but the more I can detach right now, the better I will feel. Once you've done it once, you get a bit of a rush knowing you can do the detachment/GAL'ing thing again.
Oh, and my leg is much, much better. PT next week, and then I'll probably start to run again. Can't wait!
Interviewed for a sales manager job last week - might have a shot at it. Increase in pay, and actually would be used cars, so a big change. Hope to hear back soon. Not holding my hopes on it... it's actually nice to have this c&&p happening now, as January is just dead for car sales in the upper midwest.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
January is just dead for car sales in the upper midwest.
You're not going to get a sales manager job with that attitude!
There's always customers out there. 1 deal a day is on pace for 20, it's not about the market, it's market share! Let's get on the phones! Call back your customers and tell them we've got buyers for their trade in and want to make a deal! Anyone that wants to test drive a car gets a tank of gas! There are lists of lease ends and we've practically giving away the 2015s. Get in the BDC and let's set some appointments, when it's this cold it just weeds out the tire kickers so if we can get 'em on the lot we should be getting 'em in the box! Get some balloons on that front row and let's do some business!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
WW emotions ebb and flow like waves in the ocean, so there's no real way to tell what's going. on. I think the key to our sanity is detachment, so we don't get crushed by strong waves or pulled under by the undertow. Main thing is you can't stay still because you'll get pummeled - we need to keep moving (improving ourselves) to minimize the damage to yourself.
As for the kids, it's a no-brainer. Sure it would be easier to wwalk away and not deal with the pain. But you don't strkie me as someone who defaults to the easy route. You do what is right, what will help your children in the the future. Continue to be a great dad and good example, but remember to never put them in the middle or force them to take sides (BTW, I think you're doing a GREAT job of not involving them).
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Work on you, be there for the kiddos. It sounds like D14 really needs you to be strong and a leader right now.
Guide the Trumpet family ship and let W swim until she catches up!
I can see how this is going to play out, and trust me, if you can truly detach and live your life for you and the kids you're going to come out of all of this being able to hold your head high knowing you did everything you could.
Control: You have it over you.You've been able to keep your addiction at bay ( 84 days today, bud!) and have proven to yourself and your kids that you are a stable, quality human being: You're becoming someone only a fool would leave!
It's futile to chase a bird; they just hop from tree to tree. But when it gets cold outside, they're going to want a warm place to stay. Here's hoping your bird realizes that before you close the window. It's a cold, cold world out there!
It's another day. I knew it was coming. I thanked the courier that delivered the papers, and read through them.
Called another lawyer, waiting to hear back.
I will still fight for the marriage, but now in a very different way. I am prepared mentally. It's a marathon, not a sprint, right?
My wife is well off the reservation. Her fantasy is about to come crashing down around her.
I will be cool, calm, collected. Strong and confident. My kids will see me every day- I'm not leaving. I will be the best father they have ever seen. If the wife wants the D, she'll have to put up with me every day, or leave. It's just that simple. I will no longer be a doormat. No more begging or pleading - I did that months ago, and like DR, and a few other books say, it flat out doesn't work, and helps to drive the WW away.
In my weakness He is perfect.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
My kids took it rough. D14 is very, very angry at mom.
I'm moving more of my stuff to the basement. For now. Plans might change.
Is having communication with an affair partner using company sofware/phone a fireable offense?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
