Oh, thank you ladies! Kiwi - I'll stop by your thread in Newcomers and have a look - thanks for thinking I 'rock' more than nice - I feel quite spunky now - is that a permitted description?? Nice to have another 'distant' MLCer - most people seem to be pretty close to theirs - there are pros and cons of course.
Well, as it was, H contacted me with an update on the house - so I was able to reply to his email and drop a Many happy returns into that. It felt more natural than me emailing him HBD out of the blue. It was a little funny that he hasn't been in touch for weeks until the day before his Bday - Perhaps he wanted to prompt contact around the day? IDK - and won't wonder about that too much.
Anyway, it was a frustrated email about viewers & their feedback to our agent, which H thought to be stupid. He sounded pretty fed up really. My response was a very pleasant DB tour de force - validating, breezy, sympathetic, HBD, a little joke and sign off - all in four lines. I blithely typed it and thought 'I have arrived '
We have passed the date where H can apply to finalise the D now. Not heard anything yet, but imagine that may be just around the corner. Otherwise, all is well. I'm steadier again and have GAL plans this weekend.
Hope you all have a great Wednesday! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, You sound stronger and more grounded today. I think you handled the email very well. Sometimes they do tend to poke their heads out around holidays or special events. Even though he was contacting you about the house, he was, in his own little mind, wanting to see if you remember his special day. Well done!
I hope you enjoy the rest of the week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Sotto - Whats new pussycat??...Have you got your Jones tickets yet??
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I was updating myself on your sitch and felt the need to storm things around.
Sotto you say that there is no contact and things are the way they are. As I recall, you found out about the A and left your H right away. Got yourself into a new place closer to your parents and went NC.
Is there any chance your H got the idea that he is better off far away from you? The MLCers have some crazy stuff in there tiny brains and he may well be thinking that "you" think he needs to be out of your way.
Being close to ours MLCers is very painful, sometimes it would be just easy to cut them off of all contact and move forward without the aggravation.
You are pleasant with him, more like business like. Who knows if in his head he thinks that you were so done with him and it is something that he may try to avoid because he will be rejected in many ways.
It's easy to conclude that "Oh well, H is done with me and is dying in love for the scam bag" ... is that really what he thinks? Is not that mind reading and guessing?
Yes he wants the D, but many others that came back home also said and did that. I did my D and yet I did not want it.
Do you ever think about jumping into the fire to see what really happens? You are stronger now. Even with some pity party episodes as I call, you are much more settle. Why you can put your foot forward and expose yourself a bit more.
Thus that hurt? Yes it does. Is that the right thing to do? It may or may not be. But are you conformed with the end results? Are you going to look back and say you did all you want to do before dropping the rope forever?
D or not D it does not make a difference. We are all human beings assembled with many feelings. You both were in a R and it had problems, but some of those wounds are not as obvious anymore. If there was an interaction today, you would be both some kind of new to each other.
If you would like to send him a card on his BDay, then do so. It really does not matter what he thinks about it. It is about what you think that really makes a difference for "you".
If he is with this scam bag or not it really does not matter much. You have no idea why is he with this woman. Maybe because he has no other option. It is just comfortable to have someone, but it does not mean you love that person.
So, how can you just think that he is in wonderland and moving on as there is no yesterday or tomorrow? If there is no contact, then you can think about how to have some.
If the house is having some selling issues, you could ask to meet him there and walk around to check if there is anything you both can do to improve what people will see.
Maybe there can be a date with SS and the two of you for a reason. Some closure for SS that has been ignored in the way that things just passed by in his life and no one really cares about what he feels.
Or maybe just a coffee because you feel like talking to him. Just that, I would like to chat for my own good.
Is that going to make yourself to open to a dangerous area and you can't expose yourself to that kind of vulnerability/ Why not? Is there anything to lose? Or checking the temperature will make you see what is really there?
I do not want to put the hot potato on your hands, but taking the NC road is letting you just guess about things and it is not going to help you with closure if that is what you want. Neither is giving him any clue that you have your door still open to him.
If I am him, I would think that you are so done with him you don't even want to look at him. And why not? Sometimes, a little contact for crazy reasons would create a situation to show you are in a better place with yourself.
Reading an email or text is not really enough, there are interpretations and the guessing game there. What for you may be polity, pleasant, positive, validating... can be for him that you just take care after business.
Question: How do you feel about exposing yourself a bit? Would that be something you feel you can do? Can you handle the pain?
Sorry to pock you with a short stick, but I have a little devil inside of me and for me I believe that if I need to be done and drop that rope, I need to be sure I tried everything before letting go.
Hi Pink, thanks so much for your post above. I actually didn't start DBing until 3 months after BD and his admission of the PA. During that time we had a number of talks and met up once (last time I saw him). He just kept saying he was confused, and he was clearly still in touch with OW. I asked him about MC and he said 'that's not my idea of romance!' It got to the point where we were going round in circles, and he clearly really wasn't interested in 'us.'
After 3 months, I moved to dim contact and DBing proper, so I have been doing that for 15 months now - and I haven't initiated any R talk during that time. We've spoken twice by phone Over that period - both 20 mins chat or so....all pleasant etc...and because there was some business to sort. I believe he truly thinks - she has her own life now.
In truth, unless he is interested in R, I wouldn't intend initiating any contact with him. I can see where you are going with that suggestion - but it wouldn't help me to see him if he is intent on R with OW. I'm reconciled to never actually seeing him again once the D is finalised.
I think you have a little streak of romance, and you think that perhaps if we meet, something may shift - and would I be at peace knowing I didn't try that? Perhaps - but I think I have done 'enough' for me to try and save things and feel at peace with my part. When he said he wanted us to D last Spring, I told him I loved him and that wasn't what I wanted. That I hoped we might find our way back to eachother.
For me, I plan not to date until at least a year after D. I accept the D will be finalised. During that period, maybe the door is open a tiny chink and if he peeps through it, I'll worry about it at that point. Until or unless that happens, I'm moving forward with my own life and likely won't see him again.
Thanks for your perspective though - it's always helpful to be challenged and to think about changing things up a little....have a lovely weekend. It's a busy one for me - meal out last night with the divorce group, then coffee at someone's house. Got in late. Craft workshop today then off to see the parents. Having a recently bereaved friend over for coffee on Sunday.
Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, I started emptying 'the case' that has been under my spare bed pretty much since BD. When I started moving stuff, I began stashing items that felt painful into that case and I pretty much haven't touched it since - apart to add the odd thing in.
This week, it just felt right to start tackling it, and a number of items of clothing bought for me by H soon before BD are off to the charity shop. Some things I like and have decided to keep and wear. Feels quite liberating. There are some tougher items in that case, but I figure I'll work my way on to those.
When we M, I wore a beautiful, heavy lace bolero and today I dyed that a lovely silver grey colour. It looks far less bridal now and I'm hoping it might become a nice evening jacket. I didn't want to part with it - but equally I didn't want my wedding outfit sitting in the wardrobe. But if it is reinvented as something else, I'm happy.
Feels like progress anyway xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, I think silver grey is a lovely color for a bolero. I think you did the right thing by dying it and you'll get a lot of wear out of it.
Take your time emptying that case. As you get stronger, you'll be able to tackle those tough items.
So, have you and your father decided on a pup yet? If so, what kind?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job - I was actually hoping for black (?!) but the silver grey looks pretty nice. Yes, it's good to get started on that case. And I'm finding that having so much time pass means I'm clearer on what matters to keep and what I can let go. I'll certainly keep a few things from H, but equally I may sell some higher value items and let someone else enjoy them. The harder parts are all the engagement and wedding cards and Valentines cards received from H over the years. I'm just not sure with those. Do I let it all go? I'm sure I can let most go - but would it be healthy to keep anything? Does chucking it all erase the 'good' times too?
I guess if I'm not really ready, I'll just wait on those....no news on pup yet....still mulling that one over.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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