Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[Free]

OM is a work A in my situation also. Seems very common, unfortunately.
Also, I don't know if Tx is accurate on the 5 to 1 ratio, but there are an incredible amount of available women over 40.
This whole experience has opened my eyes to a world I had never noticed. When you are married, you tend to hang out and be friends with married people. Now, I'm seeing the other side.
Women at the gym, old HS friends, friends, friends of friends... They all have someone that they want to hook you up with.
It will be a little while until I'm in the right frame of mind for that, but the possibilities are encouraging.
Tx, when the time comes for me to finally blow off the steam, I'll let you know and give you a heads up. You may need an umbrella, even in Texas.

[Vanilla]

The 5 to 1 only works if women are polygamous.

V

[Vanilla]

Go research time labs if you are in the US.

Apparently 2.3% of the male population meet my criteria, and I am very choosy.

V

[SciDad]

Yikes! Looks like I missed a little activity on my thread while I was snowed in! So before I update, I'll quickly respond.

First, I'm not blowing my cobwebs out that way. Never been into having sex just for the sake of having sex. For me it's gotta have an emotional tie or I may as well do it by myself. Also less chance of catching anything nasty that way....

Second, I think that the prospects are better for both men and women after divorce. But only if we did the work to learn how to improve ourselves and future relationships. It's not the reason why we did all this work on ourselves, but it's a very nice side-effect.

Third, there is nothing wrong noticing people of the opposite sex or being noticed by the opposite sex. I love ego boosts as much as the next person, and there have been times in the past few months where I really needed to see that people could find me attractive. But I'm not ready to settle for what's available - I want to get the best person for me.

[SciDad]

Update:

My interview happened and I think it went really well. Weird thing is that my wife helped me prep. Ran through interview questions, helped me pick out my clothes. Helped in ways that I'd always wanted, but haven't seen in years. And because it was a long drive to get there she asked me to let her know when I got there because she was worried. WTF? And afterwards we talked for over an hour about the interview. Maybe she just wanted everything to go well so we'd get the bump in pay, but it felt like more. Like she actually cared. But I'm stopping myself before I try to read any more into it - I've already gone to far that road....

Guess what else happened. It snowed a lot. And the roads aren't really very good yet. I did most of the shoveling because my wife got an important phone call she needed to deal with after she said she'd help, but near the end she told me to stop and that she'd finish. So I made a path only big enough for my car to get out and said goodbye to her while was still on the phone. This was a HUGE departure for me - I'd usually finish all the shoveling since I was there anyway, but I thought it was important to let her do a little bit to help. I also never would have left the house without telling her where I was going.

I drove around a little to assess the roads and picked up a few things we were missing from the grocery store. Got back and the shoveling was done, and the kids were playing outside in the snow. Wife had picked up after the kids and was making us a snack. She had been playing tickle monster with the kids earlier (it's a game I usually play with them while she just sits on the couch looking bored). The odd thing is that all this is stuff she hasn't done in a very, very long time. Who says cabin fever is bad?

There were a lot of other details that made the whole weekend surreal to me. My wife barely touched her phone all weekend and we worked more as a team then we ever had. That's not saying much, but why now? We spent almost every waking moment together and it never felt forced. We sat together on the couch while watched a movie with the kids. Had a few deep conversations. Laughed together. It really seems odd that things felt so normal even though she's told me she's still trying to decide if she has feelings for me.

Then again, maybe she separates her feelings of our family life from her feelings of me. It might make sense because I think she clings to the idea that she can't have feelings for me in order to have feelings for the OM. I'm not convinced that she doesn't love me, or that she's rally in love with the OM. But what I think doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is what she believes or what she wants to believe. I'm curious if her actions will change tonight, after she sees the OM at work

[ARose]

SciDad, good updates! Sounds like a positive shift in the dynamic, I hope it holds up! How much snow did you get?

[rich4j]

Sci Dad- definitely looks like at least some positive power going in the right direction

It is hard not to think that way and still try to be guarded and DB'ing. I hope things continue down the path for you this way and get better

[SciDad]

Only about 2 feet of snow. How's your shoulder?

I'm not totally sure anything has changed. None of what she's doing tells me that her mind has changed. Even if things appear better on the surface she could just be acting in a way to minimize family arguments. In other words, she could still plan on asking for a divorce at any time. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid, but I'm being very cautious about this

[SciDad]

Hi Rich, thanks for stopping by!

Yeah, like most everyone here I'm struggling to maintain a balanced view of the situation. On some days and in some ways I can pull back and look at it with a little perspective, but I am heavily influenced by my past, my hopes, and my pain.

The closest I can get is to identify the actions that my wife is making, but leave them as observations only. No interpretations. I suppose this is where being a scientist helps a bit - I never look at data with attachments

[SciDad]

Something I just realized- my wife had started getting really into working out when I discovered the om. It was actually part of why i started going to the gym. Turns out she was probably trying to look good for him (although they also went to the gym together)

Now she's barely ever exercising. I personally think my wife still looks good, but is it a good idea for me to encourage her to go to the gym or should I not say anything? I'd love for her to get some self esteem back, but I also don't want her to feel like she needs to look better for anyone but herself. Mind you, the farthest I'd go is to suggest we aLloyd go together (they will babysit the kids for 1 hour).