I'm doing well! The kids and I moved today to my parents and I feel really peaceful and safe in the situation.
S9 is doing fabulous! I visited him for 2 hours today and he seems really really good. They actually thought he was going to come home today but there was a staff mixup so we're looking at Monday. I think being on sleeping meds is making a huge difference for him. They also prevent nightmares so he is getting deep sleep and seems really alert.
Oh Six that is awesome news about your little fella. Nothing like some decent sleep to knock back the anxiety monkeys! You sound good too. Rest up mamabear. Super awesome you are peaceful and safe. Today is a good day. Happy for the blessings. Jellyxxx
My husband is really great at knowing how to push all my buttons and he has been playing on my anxiety all week. I feel more empowered out of the house and my kids are so excited for their new rooms. Looking around as we unpacked all their stuff I just felt really peaceful.
I realized that no matter what ends up happening with visitation or custody, I am the one who has always made our house a "home" for them. I'm not going to lose my kids even if by some miracle my husband gets them half the time (I expect he will have more limited visits than he thinks he will get). Because mom=home.
And really, he is the one who is missing out. I know I'm coming from the BS perspective, but I can't imagine a situation where I'd throw away *living* with my kids for some selfish fantasy. I mean, I know he's all foggy or whatever. But if this divorce happens (and it will be a year probably) then he will never "live" with his kids again. I mean, they may come visit and stay the weekend or for vacation. Our kids were always the most important thing in our lives, and he is so wrapped up in himself it's insane to me.
You sound like you're doing well. If you don't mind me saying, your husband sounds like an idiot man-child. He behaves like a spoiled brat. You're not meeting his emotional needs? Please. He's not a man. He's a 5 year old. You deserve better unless he has a major epiphany and man's up. He embarrasses me as a male.
Okay, this may not be popular, but from my understanding, DB'ing is not about agreeing about what a jerk your spouse is or how wrong he is.
In the middle of our hurt and fear, we have to try to understand where the other person is coming from. Empathy, patience and willingness to change is the focus.
If you want to try to save your marriage, you need to try to understand where he's coming from. What do you think he felt that made him seek the attention of another woman? Which needs do you think he gets fulfilled? How hopeless did he feel to go to this length?
What did you do to bring the marriage to this place? How can you change? What can you do differently?
Maybe he is not the man you want to have in your life. Maybe you feel that his choice to get involved with someone else was so - immature? selfish? - that you don't want to reconcile even if he wanted to.
But if you want to try to save this relationship, you have to look at how *you* can change. It's the only way. And it can actually be a great experience!
And coming from a place where I have interacted with hundreds of divorced families, I want to urge you to not look at the custody situation as a competition. It's not about you or him, it's about the kids and their right to have plenty of access to both their parents. Please be generous.
I am very happy to hear that your son has responded so well to the medical attention he got.
Best wishes!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
You're right and I should clarify that my fear of "losing" the kids emotionally. I'm afraid of them blaming me and hating me. My husband is in a cruel place right now and plays off my anxiety to cause me to get upset. But I guess my realization was that my kids love me and I love them and I need to focus on those relationships vs what he is telling me.
I've also been thinking a lot about my role in things. I know one problem for him is that I obsess over money and in the past have flipped out when he acts irresponsible. Actually, I tend to react and flip out a lot of the time. So one thing I'm working on as he makes rude choices (changing his bank passwords, transferring large portions of his paycheck, etc) is just not react. He expects me to rage at him but I'm not going to. I have enough money to get by and it just doesn't really affect me. I'm letting go of my control issues.
I'm also working on being a happier person. I've let the stress of everyday life get me into a slump the past year and I'm finally letting go (of the same need to control everything) enough to lean on my family and friends and just focus on the positive in life. I need to become a better person and enjoy my life and my kids.
I would also like to clarify that I have no intention of keeping the kids from my husband. They adore him, but he is really hurting his own relationship with them. He caused a huge scene at the house Friday night. I had told him Thursday that my girlfriends were coming over to pack and could I bring the kids to his mothers for an overnight? He raged at me that his mothers place had nowhere for the kids to be (she is a pack rat and he's "clearing space") and demanding to do the overnight in the house. He said they couldn't even *go* to his moms for the evening to hang out because the floors were being redone. He said if my friends were here packing when he showed up he was calling the cops. Eventually it was resolved (the next day) that he would take the middle three out for dinner for a few hours. He kept insisting that he wanted to take my minivan, even though I told him I was using it to move boxes. My friends and I loaded all three cars and then waited an hour past when he said he'd get there. He threw a fit that he couldn't take the van, parading our kids out to the garage to do so. Despite the fact he had a car capable of taking them! They eventually left and my kids later told me they had pizza and then went to his moms! Where he had them sit on the floor while he sat on his computer!
All that to say, his fog is making him not the same dad. I can't stop him but I'm not saying anything bad about him to the kids. S9 told us in family therapy how much the divorce was hurting him and later my husband said I planted the thoughts in his head. He really doesn't see how his actions against me are hurting the kids too. S9 is an old soul and takes the betrayal to heart because he understands it more.
I guess my point about the whole custody thing is that my husband is making his bed with the kids. It's heartbreaking but all I can do is be their mom and show them that home is where we are together.
As far as reconciliation, every night I dream some variation of him coming to me and telling me he is choosing to end things with her. Then I wake up sad. I don't want the person he is acting like now as a husband. I don't even know that I want the old him either.
But the "him" he could be is a great fantasy. I need to become a kinder, more joyful and less controlling person before I'm ready for the "dream" him. And if my husband never works to better himself, I can't force him. But I do long for our family to be intact and for us to start our marriage fresh.
And WH is throwing a tantrum because it is my night with the kids and I won't bring them to hang out with him all evening. He says because it is a special occasion we should change the schedule (he has them tomorrow and Thursday). I disagree and think S9 needs to go home and get settled into the new house and have a quiet evening. Which is what we are doing.
