He isn't going to want her for a week. He will be working and won't want to be bothered finding childcare. If you are worried about when he visits her in Europe -- where is he even going to stay (not with you) and he plans to work while there too.
Very few divorces end up going to court. Less than 5 percent. Most settle ahead of time. It is a negotiation. You have to stand strong. And you have to be very careful with the custody issue because he won't be there.
You need him to understand that you are going to the primary parent, he won't be there 80-90 percent of the time, if he keeps his "word" about visiting Europe regularly.
At best you can expect a "Disney dad" at worst a really absent one.
No, I think he does want her for a week. Once in a while. He has no clue what that actually entails though. He would want her so they could go on vacation.
What do you mean I have to be careful re custody because he won't be there? I'm getting full physical custody. We'll have to share legal.
He's a Disney dad already. I told him once in a weak moment that he was more play mate than parent. He got upset and later admitted it was because I was right.
Thanks again for your input. I hope I can be helpful to you one day.
Gmum, came by to catch up and send you my support. I struggle to offer you advice because I have no experience with your current situation. From what I've read, my gut says you'll do fine. Be well Gmum
I misunderstood your concern. I thought you meant a week a month. Look up step up custody plans,which would be something like you are talking about. However, standard agreements usually allow each parent a certain amount of time for vacation each year. But here is where I get confused.
How is a US judge going to enforce a custody agreement in Europe? So, if your H says I want to take her to Pazis for a week for Christmas, and you say no, how does that play out?
In many divorce decrees, there are steps laid out for when parents disagree. Sometimes mediation or arbitration is ordered. You are in Europe, he is here. YOU have all written permission and a documented custody agreement that gives you the right to raise her in Europe and you need to get control of her passport spelled out in the agreement as well. (You get/have to have it). BOTH passports. Can a US Judge order you, in Europe, to do something? I don't think so, but check with an attorney.
I know you want to be cooperative, need to be cooperative for financial reasons, and frankly the vacation/Disney dad is just part of the sh*t sandwich that is divorce, but the key thing here is making sure that all bases are covered so that you are protected and your D is protected.
He did mention he was a certain number of days a year that he is guaranteed to have her. For some reason he said he wanted to make sure he has like 80 days so it won't be an issue when I meet a new man etc. Not sure what the two have to do with one another.
At the mediation intro we talked about also needing a lawyer from the country I'm moving to, involved in the process. Good point about the passports. I have both of them now and don't intend to give them to him. I'll get that in writing as well.
Not sure how we will do the visitation schedule. I want him to start slowly and build up over the years. And in the beginning she should not be too far away from me etc. Certainly don't want him to take her out of the country.
Thanks again for your comments. I'm writing it down on my list of demands/requests for the divorce agreement.
The 80 day thing may have to do with child support. Have you researched your state's child support formula? In some states it is based purely on income, in others it is based on a combination of custodial nights and income. I think he is getting advice somewhere. It has nothing to do with another man. I know you have said a percentage, but you need to make sure there isn't a time factor also figured in.
You want to end up with an agreement that leaves no DOUBT that you are the primary parent.
He seems obsessed with you meeting a new man. I suspect that this is part of his financial strategy. He [censored] big time.
80 days would give him about 20-25% custody. That is a lot (in my opinion) for someone not even living in the same country.)
If you are divorced in the US, whatever court divorces you will have jurisdiction. I am not sure what good a lawyer from your new country would do. Whatever, make sure he is the one who pays for it.
You may consider storing the passports with a trusted friend or hide them really well.
What happens if you refuse to go to Europe? How does that impact his plans?
Hmm...The lawyer didn't say anything about number of days influencing child support, so I doubt it. He makes pretty decent money, certainly more than I will when I start working and I know that makes a difference.
He doesn't want to pay me spousal if I meet someone else and don't get married, thinks that would be unfair to him.
I'm not worried about him stealing the passports. Won't he need my permission to travel with her anyways since I'll have custody?
You are right from the US he would need your permission, not sure about where you are going or for entry into the states. And it has nothing to do with custody rather than rules about children traveling out of the country without both parents. Also not sure how it works if he uses the non-US passport. INS/Customs/TSA etc won't have record of custody arrangements.
So he expects a casual boyfriend to pay your bills. GRRRR. Again, I think he expects you to meet someone so he doesn't have any obligation.
I asked about Europe because you may need something to use as leverage for negotiations. That is all. I know you are going but right now he seems to hold much (all of) the power because you have done everything he has asked. If you push back a little bit, you might find that he is actually more cooperative because he wants to get to a certain end game. (you in Europe, for example)
I know you plan to consult an attorney before you sign. Try your hardest to think of everything you need to include.
Remember in all likelihood the OW is advising/pushing him. And as others have written you cannot underestimate an OW who is trying to win a "prize."
I've travelled alone with D and no one has ever asked me anything. I've heard the same from other moms. Maybe they're more lenient with women.
He is holding a lot of cards but he will prob be surprised when he realizes I refuse to budge on the child support payments. I don't know if ow is pushing him. I think it's all his own doing. Either way it doesn't matter. Not signing anything I'm not happy with. And I'll see the lawyer before and after mediation. And likely throughout as well. I'd rather pay now than later.
