Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

My last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2636026#Post2636026

My last post on that thread:

My H also blanks me when he comes to see kids and I don't sit with him when he is with kids as I see it as his "me time" with his children. It was hard at the beginning but now I'm fine with it! I reckon this is what you should do as it feels you are expecting him to interact with you when he is with kids.

Don't blame yourself for writing that text, we all have done it. Before you attempt to reply come and vent here and I'm sure after that you won't feel the need to reply.

Hang in there :-)

I was trying to do that when all this first started Rouky, but he turns up while I'm eating tea with them and so then I don't see why I should have to make myself scarce in the middle of that. You're right about it being hard to do too. I really hate the fact that I can't be with my kids all the time anymore because he has chosen to dump me. I feel like I'm being punished with it. He has hardly lifted a finger with the kids their whole lives. OK, a lot of it was because of working, but even when he isn't at work he's never been remotely interested. NOW I have to 'share' them with him and have to miss out on moments of their lives!?!?! This makes me hate him so much.

[Zues126]

IP, it's been too long since I posted on your thread.

I just posted on Rain's about texting/emailing. You SHOULD be hard on yourself about this. You control it. Hold out your hand. (harmless slap) Stop it. There. Now cut it out

OK, on to the next:

How can I contemplate R with a person who is prepared to do that to his kids?

You will feel this way a lot. More as you lose hope in R, and you start getting angrier about the pain you're in. Don't listen to these thoughts. I know you won't. Just a reminder in advance. Most people go through a phase of diagnosing their WAS. You might too. Just don't stay there. MLC links are helpful for a moment, but not if they take the focus off of what you can control...YOU.

You did well to not send the letter though. Still, it was therapeutic, and if you reread it you will see where you need to work on you:

H, I have made no secret of the fact that I am devastated to have lost you and that I would like to build a better M with you. I do not believe that D is the answer to our problems, I feel it will create more problems in both of our lives and in the lives of our children, but I also know that it is not a choice that I can make. The time has come for me to prove my love for you by letting you go. By respecting your decision to D.

Correct, you've made your position clear. If the purpose of this paragraph is to communicate your love and let him go, do so by actions and don't say this. Telling him you love him and will let him go is actually clinging to him. Letting him go and not sending this is letting him go.

With that in mind I would like to say sorry. I am sorry that I have caused you so much unbearable pain that you feel that D is your only option. I understand now that I have must have caused you an immense amount of pain for you to feel that living the life you do now is preferable to working on a R with me. I also want to thank you. I know we've had an incredibly tough few years and I want to thank you for trying so hard to make it work and make me happy. I know I pushed you away repeatedly. Looking at it now in the cold light of day I don't have the foggiest idea why I pushed you away and reacted negatively to everything you tried. All I ever wanted was for it to work out and I know now that I've sabotaged that every step of the way. I was hurt and angry for a long time. I have read many times that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and only now do I realise what that means and the truth in it. I needed to forgive you so that I could be happy and in turn we could have been happy too. What a fool I've been. I will be eternally sorry for not forgiving until it was too late. I do forgive you whole heartedly. You are a loving, kind and generous and and I wish I had forgiven you sooner. I know it is of little consolation but what I have done was done subconsciously and made me just as miserable as it has made you.

I truly feel your emotions and am touched by them. From a WAH perspective, however, this is controlling. It is further not respecting his wishes to be free of you. You'd be trying to stay emotionally attached, sharing feelings, staying close, sharing your point of view, trying to get him to share his with you. He would feel that your forgiveness and an apology is a manipulation to try to get one in exchange. Most of all, he would see you as trying to prove you can change in an effort to convince him to come work on the marriage, in other words all attempts at control for you to get what you want...the very problem that drove him away!

I do not blame you for wanting out. You've tried and tried and now I must respect that you cannot try anymore.

The funny part is they assume you don't blame them. They assume it's obvious you two just can't be compatible, and that you will agree with them. They can't even comprehend you don't see it the same, because it threatens them (see my opening post on Julie H's battle of the sexes thread).

I know I haven't always shown it but I loved you the whole way through this nightmare and all I ever wanted was your loving arms to hold me whilst at the same time pushing them away because of hurt, pride and stubbornness. It seems so stupid and crazy now. Never did I think we wouldn't work it out. I always thought we would get there in the end and even now I cannot imagine my old age with anyone but you or our family any way but four of us.

I am truly sorry for causing so much pain and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve.

Pretty much more of the same.


Again, it's a beautiful and touching letter, clearly stating your feelings and point of view. Only problem being is he doesn't want your feelings or point of view, or you trying to demonstrate how things would be different and you could make him happy if he does what you want.

I will admit, I have a letter I wrote that DB asked me: Why can't you EVER EVER send that? And she wouldn't let me change the subject until I had given her all the answers I just gave you.

So nice letter, good job not sending it...now really let that sink in. Please follow my email/text advice to Rain. And feel free to post tough text messages to reply to here.

Keep posting and trust that your 90 days of hell are moving by!

[Mona52]

(((inpain)))

I understand how you feel when you say you dont know what to do now, or what techniques to try next. There are times when this gets overwhelming. And overwhelmed is the worst place for us to be. When we are overwhelmed that feeling blocks out most other feelings. Happiness, hope, joy are blocked so thoroughly that we dont see how we will get them again.

The only way past being overwhelmed is by taking an action to prove that you are still in control of some things. Something that is measurable to you. If you cannot think of an action, rearrange your living room or bedroom.

Once you complete the action, you will prove that you really are not overwhelmed. you have control over your life. You do not have control over him. Your text messages were how you feel, but he cant respond to your feelings. He cant see you have feelings. He cant work with you as a team on family affairs. Do not include him in any more birthdays, cards, gifts, etc. For your own sanity, you have to separate your life from his. Completely.

I know you want to text him through out the day. But you cant. That is just the way life is for you now. But I promise... swear... cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye... you will be happier if you can get to the point where you accept you cannot text him and find other ways to get your needs met.

You cant text him, but you can pop on here and talk to anyone.

This was hard for me. I wanted things fixed MY way. Because MY way was logical and right. But the truth is, our way does not matter one bit. We only hurt ourselves by trying.

Patience is needed right away for you. Find an obsession that will distract your brain and use it as a shield while you practice patience. This is a long, slow journey. Rip your focus away from crazytown and back onto you.

[Cadet]

bump

[inpain]

IP, it's been too long since I posted on your thread.

It has! Thank you so much for returning. I have missed your sound advice.

I just posted on Rain's about texting/emailing. You SHOULD be hard on yourself about this. You control it. Hold out your hand. (harmless slap) Stop it. There. Now cut it out

OK, so that was to be expected (rubs slapped hand).

How can I contemplate R with a person who is prepared to do that to his kids?

You will feel this way a lot. More as you lose hope in R, and you start getting angrier about the pain you're in. Don't listen to these thoughts. I know you won't. Just a reminder in advance. Most people go through a phase of diagnosing their WAS. You might too. Just don't stay there. MLC links are helpful for a moment, but not if they take the focus off of what you can control...YOU.

OK, this has confused me somewhat. Why do you say not to listen to these thoughts? Because I want build a happy M with H? Or because I shouldn't be angry? Or because I'm asking questions to do with H? Or another reason?

You did well to not send the letter though. Still, it was therapeutic, and if you reread it you will see where you need to work on you:

Thanks. It is still killing me not sending it though. I am tempted every single day.

I truly feel your emotions and am touched by them. From a WAH perspective, however, this is controlling. It is further not respecting his wishes to be free of you. You'd be trying to stay emotionally attached, sharing feelings, staying close, sharing your point of view, trying to get him to share his with you. He would feel that your forgiveness and an apology is a manipulation to try to get one in exchange. Most of all, he would see you as trying to prove you can change in an effort to convince him to come work on the marriage, in other words all attempts at control for you to get what you want...the very problem that drove him away!

I do see what you're saying in your analyses of the letter and how H would see it. Although...when H first dropped his ILYBNILWY bomb and was still in the house I wrote a letter not too dissimilar to this one but it also included an idea that he could get some space to think by moving into my parent's house for a couple of weeks while they were away. He read it and gave me the biggest hug ever and said, "I'm not going anywhere." So, that incident and his reaction to that letter is what tempts me to send one now. Maybe he would react well to it? Maybe he is thinking it strange that I don't reach out to him? Maybe he is hurt by not reaching out to him? He seemed put out the other day that I didn't respond to one of his texts!?!?!

Again, it's a beautiful and touching letter, clearly stating your feelings and point of view. Only problem being is he doesn't want your feelings or point of view, or you trying to demonstrate how things would be different and you could make him happy if he does what you want.

I know. I am struggling with acceptance of the situation I am in. Still waiting for a life belt.


quote=Zues126]I will admit, I have a letter I wrote that DB asked me: Why can't you EVER EVER send that? And she wouldn't let me change the subject until I had given her all the answers I just gave you.[/quote]

Thank you for sharing your answers with me. I do really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

So nice letter, good job not sending it...now really let that sink in. Please follow my email/text advice to Rain. And feel free to post tough text messages to reply to here.

I am trying really hard to do that. I have trouble with the time difference as I am in UK so sometimes when I post I don't get a reply and then I end up just going ahead with things without advice.

[inpain]

(((inpain)))

I understand how you feel when you say you dont know what to do now, or what techniques to try next. There are times when this gets overwhelming. And overwhelmed is the worst place for us to be. When we are overwhelmed that feeling blocks out most other feelings. Happiness, hope, joy are blocked so thoroughly that we dont see how we will get them again.

Mona, thank you so much for visiting me and posting! I appreciate it so much! You are right, I do feel very overwhelmed. I feel totally consumed with wanting H back, wanting to talk to him, text him, hug him. I seem to be constantly haunted by memories of sweet things he has done in the past and then I cannot stop the tears. I miss him so much all of the time. I haven't found anything that takes my mind off him.

The only way past being overwhelmed is by taking an action to prove that you are still in control of some things. Something that is measurable to you. If you cannot think of an action, rearrange your living room or bedroom.

I like this idea!

Once you complete the action, you will prove that you really are not overwhelmed. you have control over your life. You do not have control over him. Your text messages were how you feel, but he cant respond to your feelings. He cant see you have feelings. He cant work with you as a team on family affairs. Do not include him in any more birthdays, cards, gifts, etc. For your own sanity, you have to separate your life from his. Completely.

I know you want to text him through out the day. But you cant. That is just the way life is for you now. But I promise... swear... cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye... you will be happier if you can get to the point where you accept you cannot text him and find other ways to get your needs met.

I am really struggling with this, yes. We used to text a lot. Right up to the end. In fact, he was still texting all the little things that happened in his day for a couple of weeks after he left. He has been my everything for years.

You cant text him, but you can pop on here and talk to anyone.

This was hard for me. I wanted things fixed MY way. Because MY way was logical and right. But the truth is, our way does not matter one bit. We only hurt ourselves by trying.

Patience is needed right away for you. Find an obsession that will distract your brain and use it as a shield while you practice patience. This is a long, slow journey. Rip your focus away from crazytown and back onto you.

I know what you mean, we do hurt ourselves trying. I am not a very patient person by nature to be honest. Everything I do I like to get it done straight away. Maybe that's why I'm struggling with this so much. If I'm decorating - I stick at it to the point of exhaustion to get it done, because I want it done yesterday, for example. Hard to break my own mould.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

I just read your entire thread. I think you are doing very well and you are following some great advise. He isn't a vanisher so it's harder because you interact with him.

Your kids are watching you and it's important you show them strength. Your H had some very confusing moments. Sadly he has to figure it out for himself and you can't say anything to help him along with his MLC

I too am in my 2nd MLC with my W. It's a lot worse but similar. Her actions and words. I said I would not go through this a 2nd time but look where I am. Standing.

Continue your journey for you and your kids. Your H is missing out big time. It will all hit him one day or he will be searching forever.

Why should you be in limbo and wait for him to decide your fate. In the end if he decides he wants it all back, it will be you who decides if you want him back. In the meantime you will have grown and changed to be a more complete person and that is where you find your own happiness.

My prayers are with you and all the LBS here and those who are reading these post looking for answers xx hugs oo

[Ancaire]

Hello, IP! Just dropping in to check on you, and let you know I'm thinking about you today. I know how hard this is, but I can tell you - it's getting better for me. I was an emotional basket case, but finally, finally...starting to get my feet on solid ground again.

The more you can think about other things, so you spend less time on H? The better it will be. Mona's rearranging suggestion was really quite good. Look for things that require a lot of concentration, too.

You're doing fine - and this will all get better. Promise.

[inpain]

Hi Irish M and thank you for reading my thread and posting. Sorry to hear that you're in this situation for a 2nd time too.

Continue your journey for you and your kids. Your H is missing out big time. It will all hit him one day or he will be searching forever.

Yes, you're right, he is missing out big time. So sad that he cannot seem to see it.

Why should you be in limbo and wait for him to decide your fate. In the end if he decides he wants it all back, it will be you who decides if you want him back. In the meantime you will have grown and changed to be a more complete person and that is where you find your own happiness.

I think I need to repeat this to myself a lot. Why is it that I feel like it is the opposite? You saying it will be for me to decide if I want him back - I wish I could feel like that and truly believe that I have that strength. I feel like I'm waiting for him to decide he wants to come back.

My prayers are with you and all the LBS here and those who are reading these post looking for answers xx hugs oo

Thank you Irish M, your post has really made me think that maybe I should look at things differently.

[inpain]

Hello, IP! Just dropping in to check on you, and let you know I'm thinking about you today. I know how hard this is, but I can tell you - it's getting better for me. I was an emotional basket case, but finally, finally...starting to get my feet on solid ground again.

The more you can think about other things, so you spend less time on H? The better it will be. Mona's rearranging suggestion was really quite good. Look for things that require a lot of concentration, too.

You're doing fine - and this will all get better. Promise.

Hi Ancaire, thank you so much for checking in on me. I really don't feel like I'm doing fine. I seem to have really slipped back this past week. I have been crying an awful lot - even at work. Many times I've had to go and hide somewhere so that I can cry. I haven't been sleeping well and eating food has started to be tasteless again. I wish I could get to where you are now. I feel so drained by it all. I have looked round my home and can see many things I could really get my teeth into to take my mind off H, but I seem to lack the energy and motivation right now.