Hello. I've been reading the board for about a month and decided that I could benefit from posting rather than lurking.
Originally I thought I had a rather unique situation but after having read many people's posts, it doesn't seem unique or different at all. My wife decided to use our vacation this past July to not only tell me that ILYBINILWY, bit that she wanted to pursue an open marriage. b She was unhappy with our sex life and blamed me and didn't feel it would change. I agree that it was pretty crappy but knew that it could change if we communicated more openly, but primarily because I smoked too much pot (doubt she knew because I was very good at concealing my use). One good thing to come from this mess was that I dropped that habit like it was hot and haven't looked back other than to regret doing it sooner.
I wasn't to thrilled with the idea but I said ok as long as I was still priority #1 and to buy some time. I figured that if I made some changes there would be no reason for her to pursue other relationships, particularly since the one she had on mind was about 9 hours away (she started talking to the guy while playing an online computer game that we both played)
Long story short, they decided to meet while she was visiting her Mom and that visit has turned into additional visits with her becoming more attached to him each time.
My reconciliation mistakes started immediately. I did a 180 by quitting smoking and actively increased my efforts in the bedroom. This only made her angry because she decided that I never cared for her. If I did. I would have made more of an effort in the bedroom sooner (we had discussed the poor sex a few times previously and I would change temporarily but it was easy to fall back into bad habits). I also should mention that this was the ONLY thing we ever argued about before the BD and these arguments only occurred 4 or 5 times over the course of our 9 year relationship.
Her new (to me) anger and resentment led to begging, pleading etc.. on my part to give me a chance to fix the problem. This led to more intimate IM conversations between the 2 and more distance between the both of us. Grrrrr. I began to try to rationalize the situation with her and this led her to disclose a whole slew of problems that I had no idea existed and to her rewriting a significant portion of our history.
I defended by pointing out inconcistencies and refuting evidence to contradict her revisionist history. BIG MISTAKE. Apparently, this basically minimized and trivialize her feelings which are real to her. Acknowledging and affirming her feelings would have been a much better way to approach the situation but it's very difficult when emotions cloud your judgement. I'm getting better and more consistent doing this but it will take time because she thinks I'm patronizing her (her words) rather than empathizing with her.
There are many more nuances to my situation but I think that begins to paint a description.
I still love my wife and want to repair our relationship but patience is not one of my virtues. Suggestions?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I got the book DR. I also was going to pick up her other book, The Sexless Wife, to get more insight into what led to her receptiveness to an affair but it wasn't on the shelf. Don't want to order it because I don't want to share what I'm reading with the W right now.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Met W in 2005 after receiving her profile on Eharmony in May of that year and was in an exclusive relationship by October when a hurricane left us without power for 10 days for a 2nd time in 3 months. Fortunately, I had a gas stove, a generator and my grill. Those 2 experiences definitely let us know we were compatible. Times were great.
We moved up to Chicago in July, 2006 when I got a new position. I proposed to her on Derby Day of 2007 and she said yes. We married the following May. She had problems finding work and became a bit depressed. This is when our sexual activity began to wane.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
