I think of the pursuit/distance dance like going on a walk where you are walking 3 steps behind your H. If you go on this walk through life, you will always be chasing him. But your goal is to stop. At first, it will look like he's walking farther away, even though he hasn't changed anything, all you can do is hope that someday, he turns around and starts walking toward you again. But if you go after him, you'll just be chasing forever.
You aren't pushing him away....he's going to walk the same way no matter what you do. But if you stop, you give him a chance to walk toward you. And THAT is the only path towards reconciling. PLUS, it gives you the space that you need to grow and change, while he's doing his walk.
Azz is always a tough act to follow. I'll just say this- saying "no contact isn't working", with 'working' equating to making WAS come back, well, that's a trap. It assumes there is something that WILL make WAS come back. Since you can't control them you'll find nothing you can do will 'work'. So there's nothing wrong with no contact, any more than anything else. The question is what's best.
That is why you need to redefine 'working' to mean helping you detach, GAL, 180 for you, and use your gift of time. In that way no contact makes a lot of sense until you're far more detached.
Last edited by Zues126; 01/06/1603:07 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Azzork - I really really really love the way you explained that. It makes beautiful sense. I have been feeling like no contact has pushed H away because when I look back over the past year we always had contact - he was nice to me - he came for dinners - he did repair things around the house - since the kids walked in on him and OW I have reduced contact and since his anger over us going away at Christmas I have been NC. Maybe it was the going away at Christmas that pushed him farther away. But he has been with OW so I guess he has always been "away" it was just that he was being nice to me when I didn't know about OW Also as I have reduced contact it is like he amped up his R with OW. Moved in with her. Planning on going away in the summer with her
Zeus I think the "not working" for me is also partly about how H relationship with the kids has devolved. While I was having contact I would encourage him to spend time with them - inviting him for birthday dinners and holidays etc. without my encouragement his R with kids is nonexistent. Of course I know he is responsible for his R with the kids (they are all over 18) but they are so angry at him they don't want to see him and this is affecting them negatively. They are all hurting even more. It's not good for anyone.
