Again, the law in the rest of the UK might be slightly different, but in Scotland, you can't be forced out of a house you are legally entitled to be in (either mortgaged or rented) unless your W can prove, beyond reasonable doubt, abuse. Be careful here - here best friend might just say that. It's important to get an L at this point.
Personally, my in house separation was life sapping. I was drained every day and couldn't sleep properly. If I could have afforded it, I would have got a flat much, much earlier. Yeah, it's hard not to see the kids every day, but the feeling of peace is needed to get yourself in order. Once your relationship has got to this level, you're goosed. Fighting isn't gonna get you anywhere. I hope you can now see how she has been cake eating for the past few months.
She'll be using the journal as another excuse. Fact is she was looking for any convenient kick off point. She stayed over Christmas to get as much out of you as possible. Sorry if that sounds brutal, but that's how it is.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Is...I'm getting divorced. I don't want to - but that is what is going to happen. Now that I've wrapped my mind around that?
I am so looking forward to being out of this house. Having to see H all the time just hurts. It's hard to work on me with him around. I'm looking forward to freedom, to being able to just be...
Once you're away from her, I think you'll feel so much less pressure. It's scary, no question. But the release of pressure might just be the best possible thing you can do.
Hi Is, once H filed I just decided to do whatever was needed to resolve things in a timely way. So I have responded promptly to any queries and got my stuff together within deadlines. In fact, the delays have been more from H's end as our finances aren't straightforward and much of that is in his name.
Sometimes people recommend dragging out - it's up to you of course. But I think to have it drag on is pretty brutal. Equally, I wouldn't rush it through. Just let it run it's course.
Yes, more people go for UB than adultery. Often people just don't want to wait for the 2 year 'no fault' deadline. Also, adultery has to have proof - whereas UB doesn't. I think it has become a convenient 'catch all' reason. I don't really agree with that, but it is what it is I guess.
Good luck with whatever you decide my friend x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ok I get it ... Let go of the outcome and live my life for me....drop the rope.
If W files I will not contest, the reasons for D are not disclosed in the UK, so if W files under Unreasonable Behaviour no one will know, no matter how I feel about those two words.
I slept well last night , after two hours of bike riding with friends. Convos with W were better again with discussion of her new found love of running, S11's academic prowess and funeral arrangements. She seemed for comfortable around me , more relaxed.
I hate myself for screwing up and snooping on her. Getting caught ruined 3 months of DB work and has moved our sitch closer to D than ever.
Not snooping has given me a little peace inside, making it easier to detach, and live for me and the kids. Getting verbal support for friends is also helping.
Tonight I am meeting an old friend for a meal and drinks and to discuss our sitches. He is having some trouble at home with tension between his W and his Brother and SIL.
Tomorrow I am going out for drinks with friends. w is going for a meal with her GFs, then she is taking kids with her to MIL for the weekend.
It's one week to the funeral of FIL, then I go away to week in Greece for 5 nights. I fact in late Jan and early Feb I will be working away for 10 nights or so. It helps give W space, space to heal and think.
Sotto. Thanks for sharing details of your sitch...it helps a lot
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Is - Getting caught did not "ruin" 3 months of DB work. It set you back a little, but ruin is far too dramatic a way to view it. Each of us here made, or is making, some kind of mistake. We're just people, doing the best we can in difficult circumstances. Sometimes we make mistakes. Let it go. You screwed up, you realize it, and now you can move on.
If she files, Is, you may find the two of you getting along better than ever. The pressure of making a choice will be lifted from her, and she'll be more calm and relaxed. You have no idea how envious I am that it is harder to D in the UK. 2 years before D is final. I could do so much great DBing in 2 years.
Each state in the US has its' own laws regarding D. The state I reside in only requires 60 days to pass after filing. 60 days. That is ridiculous. I can't do anything about it, but it's hardly a good plan for keeping families together.
It sounds like you have some great activities planned for the next couple of days. Greece? OMG - I have always wanted to go there. You are correct when you say that your being away will help give W time and space. I hope she uses it wisely.
It will also give you some time to reflect. Take walks. Refresh.
This is a long, hard road. I'm sorry you're here - but I'm really proud of you for being here, too.
I am reading your thread but don't contribute as you have lots of support over there. Just to say yr a strong, kind, caring person and I'm sending you hugs x
I know what you mean about relieving the pressure and I'm looking forward to getting a little solo time this weekend, although I will miss the kids.
Time heals and I hope that W will eventually see that feelings can change and change quickly.
W forgave her father for the ultimate betrayal between daughter and Father. W hated her Father, then finds she loves him when he is dieing in hospital. He has passes away and W has to deal with her feelings, of remorse, regret, resentment, love and hate for that man.
For me the love of my spouse is more than the love of my parents - is that wrong? Or is it a different kind of love?
W has loved me, not loved me, loved me, and not loved me over the 15 years, hopefully she can find it in her heart to love me again.
Last edited by isittoolate; 01/07/1610:06 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Yeah my w took off the ring too after i caught her at OMs house even though "nothing was going on", because I had double standard and they were just friends. I didn't believe her. It helped me keep my sanity when she finally broke down and confessed.
Here's the thing, she's full of crap right now. Don't beat yourself up over her lies. She wants to leave? Tell her to leave. She wants to stay? Fine, whatever, but please, this hand wringing over stupidity like snooping has gotta stop. Here's the thing, when this is over and you start working on trust again, you're going to be snooping with her approval and blessing so that she can regain your trust. So some day, she's gonna get over this.
AND SHE SNOOPED ON YOU! SHE SNOOPED ON YOU SHE SNOOPED ON YOU SHE'S A LYING HYPOCRITE.
For me the love of my spouse is more than the love of my parents - is that wrong? Or is it a different kind of love?
Parents give you roots and they give you wings, then they set you free to live your own life.
A spouse you entwine your life with, learning to meet each others needs in so many ways. Man and woman are a perfect fit for each other if we can follow God's will.
It's totally natural to feel this way. Just don't mistake neediness for love. They are both feelings, but they are both different feelings.
GAL. Detach. Learn to meet your needs elsewhere. You'll suddenly stop feeling the feelings you think of as love towards her. Because suddenly instead of being this magical fairie that can fulfill your needs, she will be an emotionally immature girl that broke up your family. I'm not saying you'll hate or resent her, but the magic that makes her different from other women will fade, and she will be ordinary.
That doesn't mean you don't love her. It just means you aren't needy.
Love would be continuing to act lovingly to her despite your neediness. Feeling loving because you are either having your needs met or trying to is one thing. Acting in loving ways to someone based on your commitment is another.
Of course, if she leaves the M then you can both let the feelings AND behavior fade.
Don't let fear of losing those feelings hold you back from detaching. They can come back if it's appropriate.
And don't beat yourself up about slips. It isn't hurting the M as much as you think, that's pretty much gone anyway. It's just hurting you. And if it helps you let go, and you detach because of it, and you then feel better sooner, and you give your WAW a chance to go on her journey undisturbed...then that mistake might have been a blessing.
Ramblings from a loopy tired zues...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My short term goal is no R talk for 2 weeks at least and to GAL and detach from the outcome as much as possible. And to sleep well.
Last night W snooped again, and gained access to my phone. It was unlocked. She checked my photos and saw the photos of her bondage gear and sex toys that I had taken and not deleted.
She deleted them. I realised this late last night and wasn't sure if she had checked my emails or websites I have visited like this one!
I confronted her and she says she only deleted the photos. I think she only had a short time to do this, so maybe.
She agreed to draw a line under the snooping. Neither of us to snoop anymore and I made sure I have deleted all the photos on my iPhone and iPad and icloud.
This morning she was awake very early 5:30 am and so was I . She came into my room and asked to be 'friends'. Last night she used that phrase again ' you are the enemy in the house'.
I think this is another nail in the coffin of my M! But what the hell..... all I can do is detach and gal, and get rid of all the evidence of snooping.
I might not contribute to this site for a week or two as it is possible she saw this site on my iPhone.
This whole shitstorm [censored] as whatever I do in the interests of saving my M seems to backfire on me. We are on the edge of the cliff.
W if you read this..... Then every post I have made was honest and true as I saw it and done with the best of intentions. I believe in marriage, our vows, and not walking away from marriage.
Last edited by isittoolate; 01/08/1611:22 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
No R talks - period. Friends is just another piece of cake eating. 'Enemy in the house' - that's rich! Who's having the EA?
Look, it's all bull$hit on her part and YOU can't do anything to fix it. Once you understand that you can't fix it and that you have to accept it and start forward planning, you'll be in a better place.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
