I just can't help commenting because I feel exactly the same. I just can't seem to accept the fact H has moved on just like that and I feel like everything is a nightmare someday I can wake up from. Our situations are very similar, I'm a foreigner with no family here. I see H almost every day and he spends time with kids only at our house cause he has nowhere else to take them (living with OW). H is very immature and wants to live his party life, which younger carefree OW can give him without burdens like kids and mortgage. H can come and go whenever he likes to see the kids a little bit, and other times he is just enjoying his single life. H has the best of both worlds. And I still love him and want him back so badly. I don't know why. I don't know why I would want this immature selfish kid with no money? WHY!
H also told me it's not about OW that he wants to leave, but I know without OW, he would never have left or foolishly wasted so much money, or neglected kids etc.
I just tell myself I can give up anytime, I think I will know when, if it is time. H even kept saying he will move out and never happened, and I had to kick him out 3 months after BD. But I'm not going to decide/initiate anything for him anymore. His attitude towards the issues are avoidance, like he thinks if he avoids them for long enough, they will go away. I have made arrangements and taken initiatives all our marriage life for everything, so I'm done doing that for him.
I'm no help, but I just wanted to let you know I'm in a similar boat and rooting for you. Hang in there Rouky.
Anna25 and Rouky it is always amazing to me to recognize the similarities in all of our situations. I could take the words of your husbands and insert my wife in their place and the picture would be identical to mine. I wish there was a psychologist who could chime in on this one. Every story is the same. These WAS all say the same things and do the same things. They all revert to a child like existence and relive their teenage years. Sadly the person in the relationship who has the maturity must clean up after the train wreck. I don't know why it is that the good people like us have to deal with the mess created by these unfortunate souls.
Rouky I wish that you could stop thinking about your husband and the other woman as it only serves to drain your spirit. I wish so much that you had family or a support group there for you. You do have me and the rest of the DB family but it isn't exactly the same. Maybe you can try to start small and try to focus on something else other than your husband for a few hours and then maybe a day or a few days. Maybe think about me and how much fun we have had here and how much fun we would have if we lived in the same neighborhood. I don't know why but so long ago when you said that you would share a drink with me someday it initiated a bit of healing that continues to improve. There are good people out there and we will find someone who loves us and someone we love but we have to heal first and be open to it.
I hope that Christmas is wonderful for you and your children and I hope that you can focus on the season and find a little peace each day and a distraction from your pain. You are special and you are loved and you will be OK. Hang in there and know that I think about you every day and will be here for you until you have made it through this process. Keep doing the hard work with your therapist and take a few minutes each day to think about what she says. Be safe my friend and you are always in my prayers!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Can't believe how very similar our situations are. It's unbelievable. Like you I used to do everything and now I can see why H didn't feel wanted or appreciated. I'd ask him to do something for me but it'd take him ages to do, so in the end I'd end up doing it. I also remember only pointing out at what he was doing wrong, not what he was doing right. Now I know I'll forever regret this. If only I had known about all the beautiful books out there, I don't think I'll be in this situation.
I'm no longer doing things for H, he still gets his mail send here, so I send it back to sender! Like you H is living with OW, hasn't told our kids about her, so he has nowhere to take them! When I don't see him, I'm happy and fine. It's when he is around that my head spins round and doesn't stop. I don't want to stop him from seeing his kids, but to heal better less contact for me would make such a huge difference.
Meet a new friend today, who unfortunately was in the position as me. What she said is that the problems lie with H not me. At the moment everything is rosy with OW, but it won't last and that I'm better off without him. I so wish that she was right, but I don't really see H coming back to me. His actions are not showing any signs of him coming towards me!
It has been 9 months, no I wonder if I really love him or if I miss having the company of someone. I know I'm quite attractive, but I feel ugly ( my H is living with OW, so I must be ugly), and mainly I feel that I don't have anything to offer to someone. I was dreading the holidays as when at work I focus on my job, now I have got too much time on my hand!
H looked after kids tonight when I went out (had a great night by the way!). As he left I told him see you on Saturday, then he said isn't possible for me to see the kids for the next 2 days. Then he said that I might have some issues with him but he added that it wouldn't be fair on the kids. I did STFU and told him that I'll have a think about it and will let him know.
Now I didn't tell him that if we were in this situation it was because of and I didn't tell him that the girls didn't deserve what is happening to them. TBH I felt tonight that he was putting the guilty trip on me as he knows that when I feel guilty I back down. He also added that I could go out while he sees his kids.
I'm being bluntly honest: he didn't bother about his eldest daughter's feeling about Xmas (she is now 16 and never spent one Xmas with us). In the Uk they got Boxing Day (26th Dec), so he can see the kids there. I'm honest I don't want to see him for Xmas Eve or Xmas Day. For me he lost the right to be part of this family when he started his affair and now living with OW. I feel by him not seeing the kids on those two days, he is getting a idea of what it is to lose his family.
I really need a third person points of view on this. I found out that with his ex-partner when they split up he stayed (24th/25th Dec) with her and their child, but it was the only time as we have been together 11 years and he never asked his ex to have his daughter around for Xmas.
These are the two messages I thought about sending him:
1) H I understand you want to see the girls during this family time that is Xmas, unfortunately some actions have led to the break up of our family unit and I don't feel it is right to pretend with our children. You are more than welcome to FaceTime them when they open their presents, and you can have them as long as you wish on Boxing Day.
2) H I understand that during this festive season you want to see our girls on their special day, unfortunately it has been a while since you lived with us I have made other arrangements. I will be more than happy to FaceTime you when they open their presents and you are welcome to keep them as long as you wish on Boxibg Day!
Hi H , We have prior arrangements for ....however your are more than welcome to have FaceTime with the children when the they open their presents and feel free to to keep them as long as you wish on Boxing Day!
Like I said I'm not an expert. I would think neutral is best.
Can anyone help Rouky out, Zues or Sotto - you two are excellent at this stuff.
Hi H, we will use FaceTime when we open our presents and the girls will be ready for you to take them out to eat like you usually do on Fridays, and feel free to keep them as long as you wish on Boxing Day.
I think by doing this (seen them opening their presents, he will lin some way be part of it), but also by allowing him to take them out on Friday night like he always does he can't use it against me in court as I have stopped him to have access to the kids when it's his agreed time.
Hi Rouky, I can only post from my own experience. We always split Xmas day - SS's mum would spend Xmas morning & lunch with him - then we'd pick him up and open pressies etc in the pm.
I think it's best to put any desire to ''make him feel the loss' to one side & have a look at what's going to be the best arrangement for the kids..I know it's not an ideal situation. But I think if you keep that as your compass, that's the best way I think...
Hope you can agree a way forward & have a good day tomorrow.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Gosh H is really in a world of his own! I texted him that he can FaceTime them when in the morning for the presents, and that he can pick them up at the usual time on Friday ( that the agreement we have in place), he said that as he is having dinner at his sister's tomorrow could he stay in the house instead. I didn't get the chance to reply as got a message stating that it was not fair to take the girls out on Xmas day ( well sorry mate but we are in this situation because of your actions! Didn't write this one down!), and if it was all I could offer he'd FaceTime them on Xmas day and treat Boxing Day as Xmas Day with them!
Gosh I can see that eating with his sister is more important than his kids? I only replied that as he has them every Friday evening, I thought he'd not want to chance the routine and that I thought it'd be lovely thing for him to do with the girls to open his presents with him on Xmas Day instead of Boxing Day. I finished my message back asking him to let me know what he decides!
I don't think I could have been more fair than that .
