Can't believe we posted 10+ pages of material in a month. Thanks to those of you following, posting, and giving me the advice I need at a time in my life I'd never dream of living through.
Currently, wife is in fog, reluctant to do any movement towards the M, really thinks she still doesn't love me anymore, but willing to start as 'friends'. OM is out of picture, but my effort at complete NC has failed - she's still FB friends with him, and could contact him at anytime. I'm still seeing IC for my porn addiction and for the M, but so far he's a much better substance abuse counselor than MC. My pastor is also a MC, but he wanted both of us on the ship, and my wife for a month always had one leg on the shore. So, that's on hold, and now I'm back to GAL, trying to detach, and living in the basement.
Kicking myself that we never finished the basement. We did roll out new carpeting across half of it, have a big TV, my treadmill, and a place to sleep. So, it's better than a tent or the van.
My prayer every day: May I learn how to be very patient, very fast. Keep my almost 40 body going, as I'm suffering from some tendonitis, slowing my weight loss and exercise. And work in my wife's heart to see that we're so much better together than apart.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
My prayer every day: May I learn how to be very patient, very fast. Keep my almost 40 body going, as I'm suffering from some tendonitis, slowing my weight loss and exercise. And work in my wife's heart to see that we're so much better together than apart.
I like praying for patience.
It's ok (and good!) to pray for your WW, but please please pray that God's will be done, not yours. Pray for strength to trust him and do what he asks, even if it takes you down a path you are afraid of. Ask him to allow you to feel his love and the love of all those around you, that gratitude may fill your heart to relieve your loss. And ask that he allow you to see through the confusion of your emotions and know his will that you may be the man he wants you to be for your family.
Good topic, thank you for sharing and know I am praying these things for you as well.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Personally, I think the Serenity Prayer is appropriate:
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen."
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
When she flat out refuses to leave the bedroom, under any circumstance, you really don't have a choice. If I leave, it would at the time be considered abandonment, and I didn't want to leave any impression with the kids that I was the one making the mistake.
Since my wife considers the porn addiction just as bad or even worse than her PA/EA, and the counseling that we went to treated them equally, I was told by my W I was no longer welcome to share the bed, and I wasn't going to argue.
Part of her still feels like I'm to blame for her having to resort to a PA 2+ years ago, and an EA over the last 6 months. I can't argue that I didn't contribute, but her decision to go ahead she does take the blame.
In the end, we both screwed up, so taking a hard line/hard approach just isn't going to work for me.
I did talk with our pastor/MC today. He's not completely on board with me not working on the M, as he says I'm abandoning trying to reconcile. I did make mention that any time we did talk with him, the W would get upset, and nothing good came out of it.
She has asked for time, and for me to be patient. She's willing to go out to eat with me, and asked me last week. Didn't go so well, but when I asked if she wanted to go out tonight, she said yes, but she thought I was asking for just the two of us. I did correct her and say the entire family, but then told her I'd be willing to try again, just the two of us.
I bought a bed for the basement today. Next stop is to find a nice set of sheets.
Would love to go faster and force my wife to talk about her feeling and the R, but she's not there yet. I will probably say something about the R if she hasn't after the holidays. The less I talk about it, the better things are right now. Would I rather be here, with my kids, and my wife and I NOT yelling at each other like we were, and me working on myself, or would I rather have one of us burning $$$ living somewhere else, having to ferry kids, equip, clothes, etc, and not knowing what's going on, or where we're headed? I choose the former.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Trumpet - think in terms of months and not weeks! It took me 6 months in 2012 with no EA/pa or addictions.
Unfortunately. I didn't make it stick..
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Had a good weekend. Wife actually wanted to go out to eat with me, we did, but it was a bit awkward. I didn't talk like I usually do - I now know I talk more than my wife when we're together. Shutting my yapper and listening more.
Bought a bed for the basement. Got a new cell phone, but it won't be to the house until tomorrow. Still, I'll have something to play with during Christmas.
My wife wants me to come with her and the kids to my MIL/FIL's place in Milwaukee Christmas Eve. It's a big change from a month ago - she wants me to be there.
I'm still not allowed to check the things for complete NC, but I can tell that she hasn't talked with him, at least she hasn't on her laptop. I'll be reminding her this week that I still need access in order to really move on.
I've gotten better at being patient. With some movement towards reconciling, I'm very aware of what I'm saying, and what I'm doing, but not trying to completely detach, as I need to be present with the W in order to show her I'm the guy she wants to be with.
My achilles tendon flared up last week - so I couldn't run or walk. Finally feeling better today - back to walking this week. I didn't gain any weight, though, so that's awesome.
My wife doesn't want to go to my parents place, which I told her I understood. The kids want her to go, though, and have been working on her about it. I'm staying away from that - she has shame for the affair, and will want to go when she's ready.
Wife has started working out and has lost 10-15 lbs, and wants to lose 50 like me. It's not a contest, but I'm doing all that I can to tell her that it's awesome, I can see changes, and that she has a cheerleader in that part of her life.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
My wife broke off the EA, but I don't know if she really has, as she won't let transparency happen. I'm willing to give her passwords, phone access, to make sure she sees I'm being open and not going back to my old porn habits.
I was expecting her to do the same to show she's ready to move on. Would that not be a good idea? Trying to build trust.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
