Back here for support 9 years after reconciling by using Divorce Busting book and this site
H originally left when DS was 2. He came home after 4 months but had been having an EA during that time. Things were great after a few months of reconciling, better than they'd ever been. Hit a bump in the road when I found a letter from the OW while pregnant with our 2nd child (DS). It intimated there was PA but he said it wasn't true and as I was pregnant with his child I chose to believe him.
Things were great until DS was 3, when, while helping him find his cufflinks to go to my brother's wedding reception I found a birthday card and Christmas card from OW hidden in the wardrobe. He again denied a PA. A week later, full of suspicion and looking for proof/clues I found a long email on our PC from him to her. All worded as though they'd been having a PA in the recent past - so 4 years after the original EA!
That was 4 1/2 years ago and things had been very up and down in that time. He started off well trying to apologise and earn my trust back but after a few months he thought I should be over it and started to be angry that I wasn't. He would alternate between trying to earn trust back and be loving or telling me if I wasn't over it I never would be and to make my mind up. It has been a long, long, road to recovery from it but I had got to the stage where I loved him again and we would have been OK if it hadn't been for another issue that has ran alongside the EA/PA issue. H is far too firm with DS, I really don't like the way he speaks to him and we have had a lot of arguments about the issue. I've bought books, read out advice, all sorts to try to get him to parent in a gentler way. All to no avail. To me, the way he deals with DS issue has been the main problem in the R for the last couple of years.
H lost his Mum at the beginning of this year and seemed to me to be depressed (completely understandably) but has refused to see that he is and go to the Dr. He hadn't been sleeping properly, was drinking every night he didn't have work the next day, whereas he used to very rarely drink and was even more snappy with DS and me (he dotes on DD and doesn't treat them both the same). A week after our 15th wedding anniversary in Sept he told me he didn't love me like you should love a wife any more and that he wanted us to see how we got on so that he could decide whether to stay or go. Despite being a former successful DBer I didn't stop temperature checking his feelings and it was just constantly arguing and him going to bed leaving me in a terrible state. He left on 9th November after I told him that if he didn't love me he should leave. He came back the next day and said he wasn't sure, which gave me hope, but now it is a month later and he says he is just not starting a D until after Christmas as he wants our debts to be paid off first. He comes round every day to see the kids and thinks he will still do this when he has divorced me. I am a mess. I am dying inside. I have pinned my hopes on DBing him again but don't seem to have the strength I had last time. He is doing up the spare room at his Dad's to make himself more comfortable and it just seems clear he won't come home. Before he left we booked a once in a lifetime trip to Lapland for the kids a couple of days before Christmas. He wants to still go on that as a family but I don't know what to do about it. I know it will make me think he'll want to come back when we get home, and I worry about it giving the kids false hope. They ask every day if he will be coming home.
Geez that's painful and tough. So sorry to hear you have to be back hear.
Interestingly...I was also here 9 years ago and find myself back again.
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I have pinned my hopes on DBing him again but don't seem to have the strength I had last time.
What is your hope and how do you think DB will get you there? Remember, it's about doing what's best for yourself as an individual and simply being open to your S if they choose to commit.
And remember...you're not DB'ing your H...you're busting the D. And the only shot you have at busting your D is by controlling the only thing you can anyway: yourself, right?
I don't want to take this comparison too far (for obvious reasons)...but have you ever owned a dog, or spent time with one? I have and used to love to play 'tag' with mine. Ever done that?
When you chase a dog (a normal, playful, family dog), it will run in the opposite direction. If you run in a different direction, it will usually run after you. Sometimes it will get distracted by something else and may not come for you. But there's only one way to find out.
Hi tl2, thank you for replying. Sorry you're here again too.
My hope is that I can have another chance with my H and to keep our little family together. Our children are aged 7 and 11 and are absolutely devastated. They cry every night but never in front of H, so he thinks they're coping just fine.
I know that I have caused some of the situation too - I was angry and hurt for a long time and couldn't seem to stop myself being snappy with him. I suppose I want a chance to show him that I can change that side of me, but there is no chance of doing that when he isn't living here. I feel like I have given so many chances and now he says that this time it is my fault.
Yes, I get what you're saying about not DBing H, but busting the D and that I can only change myself. In the last 4 weeks I've done some DBing techniques but also done all of the wrong things too. It is very difficult though with him coming round every day to see the kids.
I love your explanation using the dog. Yes, I have had a dog before so I know exactly what you mean and it has really made it make sense, thank you.
I only earn a 3rd of the total household income so am going to have to claim benefits if we do actually D. I'm very old fashioned in my view to M and believe that you should just keep working at it. Not throw in the towel. I just don't see how getting a D and not seeing your kids every day is preferable to coming home and trying to work things out.
I agree about keeping working at it. I think most everyone on this site does too
It's a shame and very painful to see the effects on kids. While my kids are older and can 'handle' it better than little ones, it's even hard to have to look at the pain they have over it.
Yes, it is very hard. I wish H could see how hard it is for them. They are just so pleased to see him when he comes round that they are all smiles. The tears are when he's gone. He hasn't been round to see them the last two days since a bad non DBing conversation we had the other morning. He said he was definitely filing for D but was never going to do it before Christmas as he wants to pay off debts first! I told him he still hadn't actually experienced what it would be like to not see his kids every day like when you're divorced so how could he possibly know that it is what he wants. Seems he's taken it to heart, he hasn't even called them to talk to them. I don't know if it's because he finds it easier to deal with the guilt he has over leaving them by not seeing them or if he is sulking about what I said.
I could do with opinions/advice on what to arrange for Christmas day and if I should approach him about arrangements or wait for him to approach me.
Also on what to do about this once in a lifetime Lapland trip we're supposed to go on the week after next. Should we go as a family for the sake of the kids? I don't know if it is too confusing for them.
Personally I would say go as a family for the kids
I have children of different ages 17 down to 2 and if and when I Divorce if I am on good terms with XW and I really do not know if this will be the case I would ask her on holiday with me and the kids
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thanks ATPeace, I think it's probably the right thing to do, it is just going to be unbelievably hard. Being in a magical place automatically makes me think of being happy and in love and I know that H is just not going to be like that. This all hurts so much
I told him he still hadn't actually experienced what it would be like to not see his kids every day like when you're divorced so how could he possibly know that it is what he wants. Seems he's taken it to heart, he hasn't even called them to talk to them.
This is why you don't talk about the R when DB'ing. What you said was, of course, logical and reasonable. But the WAS will filter and interpret it according to their current wants and then possibly even blame the results on you.
That is his choice not to call or see the kids right now and not your fault. But...follow the rules about no R talk!
Yes, you're right tl2, thank you. I was very upset the morning I said that as I'd just discovered he'd bought a new bed to make himself more comfortable at his Dad's Regret saying any of what I said but, of course, it is too late now. Just have to try and be different next time. H text this morning to ask if he can come and see the kids later. I just replied "Yes of course you can" then he replied with a time and I put "Yes that's fine." Hate having to be so short and blunt with my replies and it is really hard not to put 'x' on the end of them. Not sure if I should go out when he arrives or just make myself scarce in the house. Also not sure if I should bring up the Lapland trip again or Christmas, or in fact, his birthday which is the 21st. It is really difficult to be detached with kids and all these events looming on the horizon.
You're doing great with your replies. doing it with "just the facts" and nothing more is spot on.
I would say stay at home when he's there and just be off doing your own thing. Good practice for you in detaching. However, if you're going to cave in to your emotions than obviously leaving is better than caving, but staying home and carrying on with your business and giving him time and space with the kids is best, at least that's what I think.
The trip is likely going to be challenging for all involved. If it's possible to postpone (not cancel) that would be my choice, but clearly that's up to you.
