Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W got home from her trip to London. I had already texted her about the evenings arrangements for the boys after school activities (something she almost always does - so a 180 for me). I asked if she could pick up S11 from his drums lesson and start to cook their meal ready for 6:15 when I would be back with S8 from his swimming lesson. Me and S8 had some extra free swim time together which was nice.
W looked a little p1ssed when S8 and I returned. She was cooking and made a comment about her being left out of the meal plan. She is veggie, we are not. She tried to converse about her trip to London but I cut her short as I had planned to watch a soccer game on TV with S8 - his favourite team were on TV. W looked a bit more p1ssed! . I acted happy and chatted with boys through the meal and then went off to watch the second period with S8.
W ate alone.
After boys were in bed, W was still a bit p1ssed and came into lounge. Initially she asked if I had any more business trips in my diary. I asked her if something was wrong and did she want to talk...
She did. She started by saying she felt like I was 'pushing her out' by arranging all this stuff with the kids. That she had made lots of effort to include me in the kids activities but I was pushing her out. I listened and validated but also gave my view that I was trying to do more stuff with the kids, be a more active father and take more responsibility for the organisation of their schedule. She did accept this. Then we talked about the sitch ' how it was hard for her' and she was trying to be cheerful and I was too but after the kids were in bed I changed and it was 'more difficult' .
She didn't mention dates or separation or D but it's the elephant n the room.
After my validation and my relaxed demeanour , she relaxed and the talk drifted to Xmas arrangements, her trip to London, tomorrow's arrangement for the kids. Basically we had the best non-R talk for weeks and I ended up giving her a shoulder rub - our first physical contact for 6 weeks.
She shed a few tears as I gave her a shoulder rub. We talked and talked for about 90 mins.
So what to think?
She has noticed my 180s - but is interrupting them as 'pushing her out' - though she also understood my point of view. She is finding it tough mentally, can't sleep - on Wed she was working in bed at 6am as she couldn't sleep, she has told her close friends ' things are difficult between us' but not the full sitch. She shed a tear for the first time.
How am I? Feeling good! I felt calm and detached through this difficult talk, I was able to think rationally and not let my emotions control me. I avoided a full on R talk. We talked about the difficult Xmas arrangements.
She is hurting more than me. I am on the right path , I just need to walk straight.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Her inability to sleep and her moodiness is not because she's being pushed out. That is scripted BS. My w didn't get out of bed for 2 weeks. I really couldn't care less. Truthfully, once I got past the fear and frustration of it, I realized I didn't care and that it was all just adolescent emo nonsense.
I don't know what it is-is it their plan falling apart? Is it guilt? I dunno, don't care. In truth, I think it's because they realize they're losing the control. That's why I said go to karate. She has this whole super, single mom thing going on, but here you come "taking over" and probably doing a better job, and you're taking away her "story" (which is a loss btw) and doing and writing your own. Good work.
A nice summary from OG there. Here plan isn't going well, you're not a wreck, she can't play the 'hard done by' card. It's guilt. Be careful not to be too cold though - there is a thin line.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Her inability to sleep and her moodiness is not because she's being pushed out. That is scripted BS. My w didn't get out of bed for 2 weeks. I really couldn't care less. Truthfully, once I got past the fear and frustration of it, I realized I didn't care and that it was all just adolescent emo nonsense.
I don't know what it is-is it their plan falling apart? Is it guilt? I dunno, don't care. In truth, I think it's because they realize they're losing the control. That's why I said go to karate. She has this whole super, single mom thing going on, but here you come "taking over" and probably doing a better job, and you're taking away her "story" (which is a loss btw) and doing and writing your own. Good work.
OG - that sums it up nicely
I have stopped acting out of fear, with very little anxiety, and my balls are growing. Last night I handled the situation very well even after a few glasses of wine. I was unemotional, rationale, kind, caring, warm, validating, reasonable, reassuring, supportive.
So W thinks I'm 'pushing her out'
Me 'pushing her out' LOL! she was doing it to me for months FFS!
Its because I've stopped including her on some kids stuff and have taken over some of the super-mom stuff.
Last night me going to swim with S8, while she cooked dinner, then me watching soccer with S8, was just role reversal.
In the UK, we 'celebrate' Guy Fawkes night this weekend ...bonfires and firework displays either private or public. Tonight I am taking the boys to the local Rubgy club for the bonfire, fairground rides, , hotdogs, a beer or two for me, and two fireworks displays - it should be fun! A whole bunch of friends will be there as well with their kids. I have invited W but I act like I don't care if she comes or not.
Then Saturday she is away all day again from 06:30 to 7-8pm at an all day dance/exercise extravaganza about 2 hours drive from home. She is going with GFs from the gym. BUT she will be missing our private firework display in our garden. She might cut the gym day short to get back earlier - we will see.
Also I have booked a one night stay in London for me and the boys,on 12th Dec to see Xmas lights and Winter Wonderland. Normally W would go...but not this year. I haven't invited her as it would mean sharing a bed. To complicate matters its also her birthday on 19th Dec. Quite often we would have a special weekend in London to celebrate her birthday just before Xmas - not this year.
How to I feel? I haven't felt this good for a long time
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
PS W told me last night of a big project in work that she has to complete by 8th Dec.
That is a tight deadline and if she gets it wrong it would have consequences for years to come as it is to do with a new build project.
Over the last 4 years I have supported her immensely at work, she is a manager and often can't vent at work, so she comes home and I listen,listen,listen and make her feel better, just for talking about it. I have been consistently good with this, and never tried to 'fix' her problems.
SHe has had very little pressure these last 6 months or so, but now pressure will mount at work for the next 4 weeks. Will she turn to me??? For sure.
What do I do? Make myself available or not?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I am working from home today and W also, after her dental appointment this morning.
The conversation has moved on from last night with no mention of last night.
W had saved Skyfall (the Bond movie) to watch. I watched it over two nights (Wed/Thurs) W saw me watching it and looked a little peeved that I had started without her - another change from the old dynamic. She asked that I dont delete it as she wanted to watch it.
Then today I mentioned it and she said she watched to watch it again before going to see Spectre - the new Bond movie.
Convo then went:
W: 'you can come too'' Me 'thanks for asking' (slightly sarcastically) W: 'well it would be weird in our situation' '' You can come as a friend, though you said we would never be friends' Me: 'Well I would like to see it'
Then i left it and the convo moved on:
So I guess I should turn her down on this one. Though I also want to see it. My needs first? I think she doesn't have anyone else to go with as she tends to only watch chick-flicks with GFs
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/06/1512:15 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
[quote=isittoolate. Though I also want to see it. My needs first? [/quote]
Hey is, don't use your needs as a crutch.
If you told her you are not going to be friends because xxx, then that is your stance. Going with her is only going to weaken your position.
There are literally million other people you can go to the movies with that aren't your friend.
Don't lose site of the prize, you dropping the rope and detaching. Going to see a movie, although an action flick is a date...you were fired ad her husband, you are not her friend right now....makes sense???
Be strong, you will be tested...I can assure you of that.
- keep doing what is 'working' - disrupting the old dynamic.
- be less available. - Watch TV I want to watch - Get back my old passion for soccer - Cook food for me and the boys but without punishing her - Do what I want to do, when I want to do it - take more responsibility for childcare and childrens schedule - dont phone, txt or email unless strictly necessary. - no more shoulder rubs
PS its a 12A so I can take S11 if he wants to go.
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/06/1512:49 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
